Time Astral | Sirius Black

38||The Poisonous Affection

"The war will end and leaders will shake hands, and the old lady will still wait for her martyred son and the woman will wait for her beloved husband, and those children will wait for their heroic father. I don't know who sold the homeland but I know who paid the price." Mahmoud Darwish

Midnight,

Perhaps that's why the poets wrote about wildness and freedom, of drowning and flying, for if there was no one to reassure you, you'd have to do it yourself. Icarus had chosen the sun over the moon and when one chooses someone above everyone else,  that is their downfall, their ruination. Why should one choose wildness over everything else? Even though it is detested by many. Because wildness loved her, too. And so she loved it back. 

But that wildness was going to be her demolition. She had done so much in her untamed state of mind, and now she was a swimmer on salt water, not quite drowning, not quite breathing. 

 She would have never allowed herself to plummet in a sinkhole that is love, never would've allowed herself to drop, drop, drop towards the unending bottom of affection towards a man knowing, that it would never end in a right way. There was no right way. 

Please love me. Love me, love me, love me. Lay by my side while I tremble to sleep. Stroke my hair, love me. Kiss my head and, love me. Hold my hand, love me. Poison me, love me. Wound me, love me. Love me, I beg of you. Love me, I'm wretched. Love me, I cannot breathe. Love me because I love you.

She was moulded the way people around her wanted her to shape. She was carved, sculpt, chiseled, whittled, slashed, engraved. Love me, I am not enough.

And it was the unmeasurable, irrevocable feeling of being long gone down a road where you can't return from. Not that you don't know the way back, but you cannot walk - cannot fathom how you could ever return. And if it isn't terror, what is it? If love wasn't fear, why would we tremble before it?

It was fear, that Alasia felt the moment the patronus had arrived. Even though it only consisted of the words 'Send Aid'. She knew something was deeply wrong. 

It was a matter of moments when she arrived at the scene, and it wasn't her alone. 

Remus, Tonks, Mad-Eye and Shacklebolt were there, too. Sirius must have sent it to anyone he could think of. 

Alasia's heart lurched, dropping, dropping, dropping millions of feet down to the riverbed of her colossal fear. 

There were five death eaters plus two injured, one of the Hit Wizards were dead and the other was bleeding heavily. 

And among them, was Sirius Black, the back of his vest torn, a slice deep towards the bone visible. His nose was bleeding, so was his mouth and his eyes had tears in them while his hands quivered to the point of jerks. And he was kneeling on the ground, nearly falling sideways with his mouth forming her name before his eyes closed. 

Alasia nearly screamed, afraid if she went closer, he wouldn't be breathing. And if he wouldn't be, she - she...

A Death Eater attacked her from behind and she thrusted her hand towards him, an enraged ball of flame emitting from it, going straight towards his face. 

The Aurors stopped for a moment when the man's eyes went gold, his veins appeared as though molten lava was flowing through them and then, in a blink's time, he caught fire. And he was screaming, screaming and yelling in pain but she couldn't hear. 

She was enraged, furious and so, so angry that she couldn't think straight. Her hands lifted in the air and two Death Eaters were hovering above the ground, hands clutching their throats as she gritted her teeth and pushed them yards away. 

Moody and Remus had taken care of one while Shacklebolt and Tonks of another. She was walking, running, she didn't know. Didn't stop until she was in front of Sirius, didn't care that Tonks was now holding her arm, saying something about him needing to leave for St. Mungo's. 

But Alasia would not let anyone come near her wizard, she would not trust anyone. She was going to heal him herself. 

She jerked Tonks off her, grabbing hold of Sirius' arm and in a matter of seconds, perhaps less, they were both gone. 

***

December 17th, 1996

"Allie?"

Alasia dropped the bandages in her hand, startled. 

Sirius was awake, barely, but awake. His eyes were squinting in the light, hand reaching for hers from under his blanket. She instantly switched the light off, instead using a duller one and reached for his hand, entwining their fingers. 

It had taken her hours, more than that in fact, to apply all the healing crystals, apply all her energy to concentrating in removing shards of dark magic threads from inside him. He'd been hexed badly. And someone had definitely used the cruciatus curse on him. 

It had taken even longer to heal his wound on the back, and then stitch it like muggles for it was so deep and she was so exhausted and it needed better healing than over the top magic. 

And then she'd had to bandage his entire arm for there were slices there, too. And his cheekbone was now purple, his ribs had a faint scar, just above the tattoo on his navel. His nose had been crooked but that was probably the easiest to fix. 

It was now a little after dawn and she was so tired, so damned tired, it was a wonder that she was standing still. 

Sirius tried to sit up and her heart thundered when he winced. She was so - so in love with him and she couldn't breathe, couldn't halt - couldn't take a single break even though her wrists ached and her feet hurt. For what if something happened to him? What if the next time she blinked, his chest would stop moving?

But it hadn't. He'd held on. 

She helped him gently lean his back against the headboard and then glared. "You are not going to any spying missions from now on."

He laughed, grimacing when his cheekbone ached. "You cannot tell me what or what not to do."

"I am going to," She tried to be stern but her voice wobbled. "I cannot -  I cannot look at you without envisioning the ancient stone archway, the dais - the veil, cannot stop envisioning you nearly falling in it from Bellatrix's spell, and now, I can barely look at you without seeing you lying there, barely alive. Please, I cannot...I cannot."

"Allie," He whispered, raising his hand very slowly as he rested it on hers. "I love you."

"And I love you," She exhaled shakily, "I love you madly, so bad it hurts. I will burn the entire world if you ask me, Sirius. I think I am going insane."

Sirius' eyes were glimmering as he leant down and she kissed him. 

She kissed him as if she wasn't going to get a chance again, she kissed him as though they were two ends of a rope and it was stretched so far apart that she could not reach him, there was too much space between them and she needed it to vanish. 

She kissed him even though he had a bruise on his lips, she kissed him and he let her because it was her, it never hurt when it was her. And even though his hands were trembling and his eyes were rimmed, he kissed her back. And it felt as though the world was ending tomorrow, and perhaps it was. 

But she knew as much, and he did as well, that whether it ends tomorrow or not, they will love one another to death and through it. And after it.