Don't Leave Me (Behind) || [BokuAka] || ✔️

1

His heart was heavy, beating loudly in his ears, seemingly too slow. Everything was moving too slow, yet simultaneously too fast. He needs to talk to Keiji. He needs to. He's put it off long enough.

...But he doesn't want to. Putting it into words will confirm it... and that's not something Bokuto is sure he can live with. 

The confirmation that Keiji is no longer in love with him might break him... 

No.

It will break him. 

He can't live without Keiji. The ever constant presence in his life; in the kitchen, humming as he stands over the stove, cooking dinner, or as a familiar warmth on the lounge as they sat and watched a shitty romcom. 

He can't remember a time of his life without Keiji. He was there when Bokuto got promoted, hugging him, kissing him, sharing the moment with him in every way possible. Keiji spent that night sharing soft, gentle kisses with him, their arms wrapped around each other. Bokuto had felt so extremely happy that night; proud of himself for ascending the ranks at his workplace, but also because the smile his boyfriend gave him when he told him the news was beautiful. 

Keiji had been there the day Bokuto had graduated university, a bundle of flowers in his hand and the brightest smile on his face, nothing but pride shining behind his eyes. He remembers the way the younger had run up to him, jumping into his arms and peppering kisses all over his face, whispering how proud he was to see Bokuto finish college.

He was there when Koutarou finished high school, tears in his eyes and a conflicting emotion flashing over his face, sad Bokuto was leaving, but happy he was starting the next point in his life. 

He was there when Fukurodani won nationals in Kou’s third year of high school, spinning around in the older’s arms as tears of pride ran down both of their faces. They spent the afternoon snuggled up on the couch, whispering how proud they were to each other and promising each other a future. 

Bokuto genuinely can't remember a time in his life that doesn't involve the raven haired boy. The first ever memory he has had Keiji in it, and every memory since then either involved him, or was shared with him. 

A day without him would be torture, let alone a life without him. Bokuto knows this.

But Bokuto also knows he will be damned if his selfishness is what keeps the boy he loves from being truly happy in his life. 

His life may not be the same after Keiji leaves, but he would not be able to live with himself if he is the reason the ravenette lives the rest of his life in emotional torture, not wanting to break the heart of his best friend. 

Tears were making their way down his face as he came out of his thoughts, the warm air hitting his skin highlighting the streaked areas of his cheeks. 

He should get up, do something productive. Maybe he should make dinner tonight, or plan where he was going to stay from here on out. 

There's no use sitting here, wallowing in his misery, wishing and wanting nothing more than for things to stay the same, yet knowing everything is going to be different. His nervous energy manifested in the form of his leg, bouncing up and down, repeatedly, timed perfectly with his breathing. 

He was verging on a panic attack, he knew, and while he didnt want to panic, he also found himself unable to do anything to counteract the impending hyperventilating. 

The only sound he could comprehend was his heavy breathing and the repetitive thump, thump, thump of his foot making contact with the ground repeatedly. He completely missed the sound of his phone ringing, once, twice, several times, the abundance of messages from his panicking boyfriend asking if he was ok, begging him to respond, comforting him and saying he would be home soon. 

Bokuto hadn't paid any attention to his phone, so he had no way to know Akaashi was on his way home, and when the ravenette got home, seeing the owlish man curled up on a corner of the lounge, his knees pulled up to his chest and his face hidden in his arms, sharp sobs cutting through the silence, and the younger’s heart practically stopped. 

He's only ever seen Bokuto like this once; when he thought the two of them were going to break up after Akaashi came out to his parents, and it didn't turn out the way they both would have liked. Reason after reason for Bokuto’s mood ran through his head, though none seemed feasible. 

This wasn't just a shitty day at work. This wasn't a bad ending in a tv show, or a small argument with Kuroo. This had to do with him. 

Akaashi kicked his shoes off, the movements sloppy with their rush, and he threw his keys into the small basket they had on the small table next to the door. He shoved his coat off as he started hurrying to the couch, dropping the heavy cloth on the floor behind him. He can fix it later, but right now, he needs to console the sobbing man on the couch. 

As he rounded the couch, ending up directly in front of the crying Bokuto, he reached his hands out, softly placing them on the muscular arms of the older boy. Bokuto audibly sucked in a breath, then held it, his chest not moving as he attempted to stop his cries. 

“Bokuto, what's wrong?” Akaashi’s voice was soft and gentle, trying to coax an answer out of him as opposed to demanding a response. The melodic tune of his voice was soothing, and he eventually saw Koutarou start taking small breaths, but he still didn't get an answer. 

“Bo?” Nothing. Instead, the elder just sighed, his muscles relaxing slightly as he lifted his head, resting his chin on his interlocked arms. His golden eyes were wide, staring deep into Akaashi’s blue-green eyes, the mirth that usually stirs beneath the surface seeming to have shifted into something much less energetic… 

He looked sadder, and not just because he’d been crying. He looked like he hadn't laughed in days, like over the course of the past few weeks, the happiness was being drained out of him slowly, and today was the final straw. But, that can't be the case. After all, he was laughing and joking yesterday, wasn't he?

He was laughing, yes, but the happiness seemed fake, forced, a fact that only became obvious now that he was looking back on it. He honestly doesn't know when the last time he saw Bokuto truly happy was. 

God, how much did he ignore in his day to day?

“Bokuto, please, talk to me.” He begged, his hands gripping the forearm of the upset boy, their eyes meeting and searching the other. Keiji’s grip was firm, but not painful, however, to Bokuto, it still burned like a hellfire. 

By this point, Bokuto had stopped crying, the remnants of his tears still clinging to his face, but he no longer had tears streaking his flushed cheeks. Akaashi felt his heart skip a beat as something changed behind Bokuto’s eyes, and he shifted, lifting his arms and stretching his legs out in front of him, lining up side by side with Akaashi’s. 

Akaashi went to say something, to repeat his question again, or to console the upset boy, he wasn't sure which, but he was cut off by Bokuto opening his mouth to say something. He sat there for a few minutes, opening and closing his mouth, his eyes distant like he was searching for the words. And then they came. 

“Keiji, when did you stop calling me Koutarou?”

*****

Hi, thank you so much for reading this. I started this one day because I was feeling a bit down and bored, but I ended up getting a little too into it (*nervous laugh*)

let me know what you think :)