Don't Leave Me (Behind) || [BokuAka] || ✔️

36

Description of a panic attack later in the chapter, and talks about mental health, depression and suicidal thoughts.

*****

Bokuto sat on the couch of the living room he had frequented for the past few years, legs tucked up to his chin and a small warmth radiating from the bottle-blonde leaning against his left. Kuroo sat on the floor in front of him hair slightly deflated to match the more prominent eye-bags and slightly washed out skin.

“Kou, we found you a therapist, if you’re still willing to go. You don’t have to, obviously, we won’t push you if you don’t want to… But it’s the same doctor Kenma used to see in high school, and we think she will really help you.” His voice was soft, obviously hesitant to broach the topic with the owlish boy, but it needed to be done.

“She works locally, so it won’t be too much of a trip to see her every week or fortnight or however long you go between sessions. Are you still… willing to go?” Kenma’s voice was right next to him, and he tensed slightly when he felt the younger shuffle around, relaxing again when he wrapped thin hands around Bokuto’s bicep.

“I don’t want to, but I will.” he said, and both Kenma and Kuroo released a breath he didn’t realise they were holding. Kenma’s grip tightened slightly, fingers digging into the skin and muscle of Bo’s arms, seeming to beg and plead the older to stay rooted in that spot for the rest of eternity.

There was a silence, Kenma content to remain wrapped around Bokuto for good, but Kuroo eventually broke it, sighing deeply and leaning forward to rest flat against the couch, chest pressed against the front of Bokuto’s shins and cheeks pressed against his knees. His eyes were shining under the dim living room light, hazy as they held back tears, and the raven head searched for his hands resting against the cushions.

“Bo, promise me you’ll never do anything to hurt yourself. I can’t, won’t live without you. I love you, you’re like my brother, don’t leave me please.” He whispered against the skin of  Bokuto’s knees, hiding his eyes that were obviously leaking tears by this point. He sobbed against the older boy, hazel eyes red-rimmed and lined with tears.

“I… I won’t.” He whispered, squeezing the hand that was laced with his own.

“No, no promise me. Promise me you won’t kill yourself, please. ‘I promise you I won’t kill myself’- That’s what you need to say, please.” He was begging, chest heaving with the force of his sobs. His hands were gripping even tighter against Bokuto’s, the force leaving his fingers borderline numb.

“Kuroo, I-”

“No, no, say it. Say it!” He said, lifting his eyes up to finally meet Bokuto’s. Kenma took a sudden breath, rubbing his face into Koutarou’s arm, and the older knew he was also crying. Kuroo’s cheeks were puffy, and the older could finally see just how exhausted he had become over the past few days, overthinking and hyperfocusing on every small little thing. “Please, I will beg you, please say it.” His voice cracked, and Bokuto’s heart broke.

“I won’t kill myself, I promise.” He said, and Kuroo sobbed in relief.

“I’m so sorry. I’m awful!” He wailed, throwing his body weight forward a little bit and forcing Bokuto to reach out and hold him. By now, the raven had his head pressed against Koutarou’s chest, arms wrapped around his shoulders.

“No, no you’re not.” He whispered to Kuroo, but he shook his head, sobbing more.

“No, I am! I ignored every sign. I actively told myself you were doing ok. I denied it up until you told me you wanted to die! I’m awful! I don’t deserve you. I don't deserve you as a friend, and I definitely don't deserve you as a brother. If I was a better man, I wouldn’t force you to stay. I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t have missed the signs. I refuse to let something happen to you.” His hands were tight against his shoulders, and Bokuto felt like he couldn't breathe.

He had hurt the two people he never wanted to hurt, the two people he actively attempted to avoid hurting.

And the revelation caused shivers up his spine. Everywhere Kuroo touched burned, every small indent of fingers felt like fire erupting through his veins. He was vaguely aware of his quickening breathing, of the suffocating feeling in his chest as he couldn’t take deep enough breaths. His heart was beating through his body, heavy and quick; painful. He was vaguely aware of his panic attack.

But his first thought wasn’t to breathe, to calm down. It was to hide away, to cover his face and curl up. The only thing he had ever wanted to do was keep  his friends happy, and he failed, since his best friend was sitting in front of him, sobbing.

He had failed.

“Koutarou, what happened?” Kuroo’s voice was distant, barely heard over the blood rushing through his ears and the pounding of his head, but Bokuto’s mind was preoccupied. “Bo, please, talk to me.”

Kuroo’s weight shifted around over his legs and chest, now sitting to his side as he squeezed at Bokuto’s shoulders as his face levelled with the older’s, peering past the tears running down his eyes and into Koutarou’s golden eyes. Kenma was also peering at him through dark lashes, concern written over his face as his eyes scanned over Bokuto’s features.

“He’s having a panic attack.” Kenma shifted around, straddling Bokuto’s lap and cupping the older’s cheeks with his palms, slightly bumping the raven out of the way as he came face to face with Bokuto. He started rubbing against Bokuto’s cheeks, the pads of his thumbs skimming over the slight stubble that accumulated there in the past few days.

“Kou, you’re having a panic attack.” he whispered, his fingers continuing to dance over soft, supple skin as he tried to ground Bokuto. The owlish boy nodded, grabbing at Kenma’s arms and gripping too tight, causing the bottle-blonde to wince a little at the pressure being placed on his arms. “Try and breathe with me, can you do that? In for 5, hold for 3, out for 7.”

Bokuto attempted to follow Kenma’s instructions, breathing with the younger as he modelled the breathing he wanted Bokuto to follow. Slowly, Bokuto felt his heart slow to a normal pace, feeling his chest grow lighter and breathing come easier as oxygen rushed through  his body again. When he came fully to, he practically collapsed against the youngest boy’s chest, subconsciously wrapping his arms around slim shoulders and pulling the blonde against his chest in a bear hug.

“Kou, are you ok?” Kuroo’s voice came from his right, tentative and unsure as he overanalysed the owl’s face. He felt fresh tears prick at his eyes in embarrassment and shame.

“I’m sorry.”