Don't Leave Me (Behind) || [BokuAka] || ✔️

35

More mentions of mental health

*****

The two stayed on the couch, tangled in each other’s embrace, sharing lazy kisses and whispered words and ‘I love you’s. Akaashi had laid himself across Bokuto’s chest, letting the older wrap his fingers through his hair, massaging the delicate skin of his scalp.

He picked himself up, shifting to look at the owlish boy in front of him, pressing a quick kiss to his lips and caressing his lips with his fingers.

“So, be honest with me. Kuroo and Kenma didn’t buy those presents, did they?” He questioned, and Bokuto chuckled, his chest rumbling beneath Keiji.

“Uh, no. No they did not.” Akaashi smiled, pressing his lips to Koutarou’s cheek in a quick peck, before resting his cheek against Bokuto’s chest, feeling the rise and fall of his breathing and the heartbeats beneath the skin. “How did you know?”

“Hmm, well, for starters, they’ve never met Yukie before. And from memory, they barely bothered to get their friends presents, let alone the daughter of a boy one of them barely likes. And second, I specifically remember overhearing a conversation between you and Yukie about nerf wars, and her explicit request for one for her birthday.” Koutarou sighed, pressing his forehead forward against Keiji’s.

“So that’s what Kuroo came and spoke to you about.” It wasn’t a question. It didn’t need to be; he already knew the answer. “What did he say?”

“Nothing bad, don’t worry about it.” The younger pressed a soft kiss against his jaw, but Bokuto sighed again.

“No, Keiji, as much as I would love to kiss you all night, things between him and I aren’t… great, at the moment. If he said something, I need to know.” That pulled the younger off of him, his brows furrowed as he came eye to eye with Bokuto.

“Is everything ok? I thought he was your best friend. What’s wrong?” His voice had a certain level of panic behind it, rising slightly. Bokuto nodded, continuing to massage Akaashi’s strands of hair with his fingertips.

“It’s nothing unfixable. In fact, I don’t think he even realises that things between us have changed.” Keiji’s eyes searched the white-haired boy’s, flicking over every inch of his face in a blind panic. “Keiji, if I tell you, will you just listen? No cutting in?” His voice was quiet, and Akaashi’s heart sputtered at the broken tone of his boyfriend’s voice.

“Yes, of course.” He said, sitting up so he was straddling Bokuto’s hips, pulling the older up with him as he straightened out. Said boy took a deep breath, reaching down to Keiji’s hand and wrapping his fingers around his, sending a small, obviously fake smile to the ravenette.

“I don’t really know where to start.” He chuckled humorlessly, Keiji’s fingers tightening their grip on Bokuto’s hand. “So, I don’t know when it started, or why, but… I fell in love with him. Or at least, I thought I did. I don’t think it was love, looking back on it. What was it you said?”

“Escape?” Keiji asked, lifting his hands to run up and down Koutarou’s biceps. He held back thoughts about how the older boy had filled out in their years apart, his arms growing even more muscular over time. Bokuto hummed.

“Yeah… Escape. I think I was just trying to find an escape. I didn’t want to be with Kuroo. I didn’t even want to love him, I think. I just… did. And it tore me apart. I wasn’t over you, I didnt even think i could get over you, but yet my heart was tossing me around. I felt so guilty, especially when Kenma moved in. I felt like I was betraying him, you know? And as is, I was already struggling. I barely wanted to continue with my life, and now fate was fucking me over.” Keiji’s fingers running along his skin were grounding, keeping him from completely zoning out into his own world.

“I started isolating myself; locking myself away, barely eating, I pretty much didn’t talk to either of them. I don’t know if he even noticed, to be honest. He seemed to just continue on like normal, like there was nothing different. And I convinced myself he hated me. It was a stupid thought, I know. We have been best friends for most of our lives, of course he didn’t hate me… But it was hard to believe when our conversations mostly consisted of ‘how was your day’, and ‘fine’.” Keiji’s fingers paused for a minute, one being brought up to Koutarou’s cheeks and brushing over the sensitive skin there.

“When Kenma put everything together, realised I wasn’t… doing ok, he came to me and we had a talk. He was asking about you, and how I was doing, but he also told me he knew about my feelings, and I ran off. I shut myself away… I didn’t see them for a few days after that, because I was so ashamed.” Koutarou’s breathing grew uneven, and Keiji felt his own panic rise as he tried to keep the older grounded, aware and calm.

“Kou… Are you ok? Do you want to have a break?” He asked softly, but the older shook his head, turning his gaze to once again settle on Keiji.

“No… No, I’m ok. I just… Anyway, I thought he dropped the subject, but he didn’t, and a few days later, after I came over for dinner, I walked inside and they were fighting. Kennma was saying that Kuroo wasn’t there for me, that I was growing more and more depressed and he hadn’t even realised, which was true… unfortunately. That was the first time I really realised how dark my mind had been, and I finally opened up about feeling depressed… About not really wanting to be alive...” he trailed off a little, eyes unfocusing as he remembered how it felt to bare himself in front of the two people he loved most.

“Koutarou. Koutarou, I don’t ever want you to feel like that.” He whispered against the older’s neck, feeling tears threatening his eyes as he thought about the pain Bokuto must’ve been feeling. “I love you, I never want to lose you again. So I need, need you to tell me when you feel like that, ok? Whenever you feel bad, even if it's just a bad day, please tell me. We can talk, I don’t mind taking some time out of the day to talk to you, but I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you.” the tears were freely flowing, and Koutarou smiled sadly, wiping them away with the pads of his thumb.

“Of course, ‘Ji. I love you.”

*****

There's probably 2 more chapters left, plus an epilogue.