Don't Leave Me (Behind) || [BokuAka] || ✔️

21

“I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you.” The three snuggled up together, each left to their own devices, thoughts plaguing them each. There was silence again. God, he’s getting sick of the silences. Then Kuroo snickered, shifting so he was leaning his arms on the couch cushions, chin in the crook of his elbow as he looked at Bokuto. 

“...So, Akaashi?” He asked, and Bokuto groaned, flopping against the food of the couch behind him, causing the dark haired boy to chuckle and Kenma to send a glare his way from across Bokuto. “Tell me, what's been happening? How did you two meet up again? I thought he moved away.”

“Uh, he did. He sold the house and moved away to Hokkaido not long after we ended things, but he moved back here. I went on a jog one morning and he was at the park with his daughter.”

“Daughter?” Kuroo seemed to spring up at that news, eyebrows furrowed as he stared down at Bokuto. Even Kenma seemed confused, sitting up a slight bit straighter after Bokuto had said that. 

“Yeah. Her name is Yukie. She met me at the park that day, and since then, she keeps asking to hang out with me. I was over there yesterday, actually. She turns 5 this weekend, oh, and you two are invited to her party on Sunday. ‘Kaashi adopted her when she was about 3 with his ex-husband.” Kuroo’s face seemed to contort more, growing more confused with every word Bokuto was saying. 

“Ex-husband?”

“Yeah. I don't remember ‘Kaashi saying how long they were together, but… Apparently he didn’t love Keiji.” The thought made him sad; who wouldn’t love Akaashi? He’s amazing and tries so hard… It’s almost impossible to not love him. 

“Oh… Have you two been meeting up often, lately?” Kuroo asked, and Bokuto nodded. 

“Yeah, every now and again. Usually it's just because Yukie wants to play with me, but the past few times, Akaashi and I have hung out without her around. Like, the other day we went to see a movie together while Yukie was with her other dad, and last night, after she went to sleep, Keiji and I- Holy shit Akaashi kissed me.” His eyes flung open at the realisation and back shot up, ramrod straight. 

He shoved his face into his elbows as he shuffled around, making his way up onto his feet so he could pace across his floor. His feet thudded against the floor as his breathing quickened, holding off a panic attack. Kenma instantly got up when he realised what was wrong, wrapping his arms around Bokuto’s chest and trying to manoeuvre him back to the lounge. 

“W-wait, what happened?” Kuroo, who seemed to have been processing everything until that moment, snapped out of his little stupor, picking himself up off the floor and helping his boyfriend to sit Bokuto down. 

“I-i don’t know. He messaged me asking for me to come over, and Yukie and I played together for a while, and then when I went to leave, he said he wanted to hang out with me too. And then he started drinking, and crying, and then he kissed me, saying all this stuff about still being in love with me.” Kuroo stared at him for a second, before moving to the side, catching Kenma’s eyes.

“Kenma, did you understand any of that?” He asked, and Kenma shook his head. Kuroo sighed, rubbing his temples as Kenma rubbed Bokuto’s arm, still trying to keep him calm against the war that was inevitably raging through his head. 

“He said he never stopped loving me.” Bokuto whispered again, feeling tears flood into his eyes again as he thought back on the last few years, the way he tore himself to shreds over and *over* again in the three years they were apart, searching for why he wasn't good enough, only to be told that Akaashi was confused. 

“Wait, what? He said he still loved you? Then why did you two break up, i thought you said-”

“He told me, when I asked him if he still loved me, that he used to love me so much it hurt, but he wasn't in love with me in that way anymore. But last night, he told me he made a mistake, he said something about being scared, and then convincing himself he didnt love me anymore, but he still did.” Bokuto was still on the verge of tears, but he took a second to regulate his breathing, focusing on the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. 

“He was confused. I tore myself to shreds, broke myself repeatedly, because he was confused, of all things.” 

“Bo, don’t blame him. Feelings are hard, and-”

“No, no I don't blame him. Not one bit. I never have, and I don't think I ever could. I’m just… Relieved? Relieved he loves me, that maybe I still have a chance, that it wasn't anything i did. But also, I had to have done something. I mustn’t have loved him enough, maybe i didn't tell him enough, I don't know, but he didnt realise how much I love him-”

“Koutarou, don’t degrade yourself. He said he was confused. It’s easy to mistake emotions for others, they're very tricky to navigate regardless of how old you are. I get scared all the time when i think about Kuroo’s and my future, how much i love him. Akaashi probably went through the same thing, just on a much larger scale.” Kenma’s voice was smooth, comforting, and Bokuto felt himself leaning into the smaller boy as he pondered over the words. There was another silence, but the silver-haired boy felt comfortable with this one, not begging another to break the quiet. 

“So, what are you going to do, Kou?” Kuroo had broken the silence to ask the question that was hanging over all of their heads, the one thing that Bokuto wasn't sure of himself. He sighed, leaning more into the youngest boy who looked like he was struggling under the weight of him. 

“I never stopped loving him, you know?” Both the other boys, who had effectively turned into his personal therapists, nodded, humming that, yes, they were in fact aware Bokuto was still madly in love with his ex-boyfriend. Bokuto sighed again, before shifting his eyes upwards and meeting Kenma's. “I want him back, so badly. My heart aches for him, day after day. I feel like I can breathe when I'm around him, but i feel... betrayed, almost, that he  let me go for 3 years, with no contact. I wanted nothing more than to just see him, but he let me go for years, and tore myself apart with want, just for it to have all been a misunderstanding. I love him, though.”

“Well then do something about it, bro.”

"I-i will, I think I just need some time to think about everything... to sort out my brain." His voice dropped in volume at the end, and Kenma snuggled into his arm again.

"Take all the time you need. Kuro and I will be there every step of the way if you need us to be."

*****

I'm not sure how I feel about the ending of this chapter, since it feels a little bit rushed, and I feel like Bokuto's feelings about Akaashi's reveal aren't really explored in the way  I want them to be, but I tried. I might review it when I finish the whole story, but I think it gets the job done, even if it's not as good as I want it to be.