Don't Leave Me (Behind) || [BokuAka] || ✔️

17

Mentions in this chapter about Depression and mental health, more towards the end. Please just be careful when reading, I don't want anyone to get triggered by anything.

***
The minute Bokuto pulled into the driveway, he knew his already incredibly long night was about to get even longer. He could hear faint voices coming from inside, and when he caught sight of the small ragdoll kitten, Bokuto knew his two roommates were having an argument. 

The only times Kuroo ever threw out Jelly, the year old black and white ragdoll Kenma bought on a whim, was when she was the last straw in an already bad day. She usually got in the way of his cooking, or just his existing, and he sent her outside, which without fail, made Kenma mad. 

Bokuto walked into the house, and the shouts of his two best friends were instantly prominent as he toed off his shoes, tossing his keys into the bowl next to the door. He stood in the doorway, not making any effort to move further into the house or to make himself known, not wanting to further rile up the situation or irritate either more than they were at current. Instead, he listened in to the words being thrown at each other, trying to discern the cause of the argument to then find a way to diffuse the situation. 

“No, Kuro, you haven’t made an effort since Kou moved in. If you had, maybe he would have told you himself!” Koutarou felt his heart stop. The couple rarely argued, usually nothing more than a slightly tense atmosphere over silly things like the cat or Kenma’s diet.

…But not this one. He was the reason for this fight. He caused this.

“I have tried Kenma!”

“Well, not hard enough! Have you ever gone and checked in on him? After work, when he goes into his room, do you know what he does? He cries, Kuro, everyday, and you have made no fucking effort to calm him, to be there for him. You hear him at night, we both do, and you have done nothing.”

“Ok, I’m sorry that I don't want to overstep any boundaries with him, but that is not my fault.” Kuroo had moved closer to Kenma by this point, using his height to his advantage and towering over the other in an attempt to intimidate the smaller.

“It's not a fucking boundary to ask him if he’s alright, to prod when he obviously lies!”

“It’s also not my fucking place!”

“Yes, it is. You are the closest thing he has to family at the moment, and to be real honest with you, if i were him, i wouldn't even consider you my family! After all, have you made any, any effort to ask him how he feels since he broke up with Akaashi? Any at all?” 

“No, it's not my place.” His  voice dropped in volume, though his tone was filled with such withheld anger it sent shivers down Bokuto’s spine. 

“Yes, it literally is. You two live together! It’s my place to ask you what's up when you're pissy. When you toss Jelly out, I make an effort to push at you until you tell me what's up. I do the same with Bo, and so should you. He thinks of you as a brother, Kuro! But what good is a brother if he isn't there for you, ever!” A hurt look flashed across Kuroo’s face, but it was quickly replaced with more anger, furrowed brows and teeth bared. 

“That's different, Kenma!”

“How? How is it any different?”

“I’m not romantically involved with him like I am with you!” Bokuto felt his heart drop, and while he knew this was true anyway, it still hurt. 

“So what? He’s still your best friend, Kuro! I make an effort to check in on him every few days, and I’m not romantically involved with him either! Are you that fucking careless that unless you’re dating someone, then other’s feelings are irrelevant?”

“No! I never said that! Of course I want to help other people when they're feeling down!” 

“Unless it's Bokuto, right? Because all you’ve been saying since you brought up this subject is make excuse after excuse for why it's not your responsibility to help your best friend. Is it because he’s good at hiding how he really feels? Because he doesn't want to ‘burden’ others with his feelings, so he just toughs it out? Because, news flash, that doesn't mean he doesnt have feelings!”

Bokuto watched as Kuroo’s face morphed from anger, to hurt, to realisation, before settling on anger again, and the silver-haired boy felt tears well up in his eyes, blurring his vision as they threatened to fall. 

God, he fucking failed as a friend. He tried so hard to make sure his problems never became anyone else's, yet here they were.

“This isn’t the point of this conversation!” The threatening tone snapped the oldest boy out of his own mind, and by this point the tears were flowing freely down his cheeks. 

“Wow, what a way to change the fucking subject! Now that you know you fucked up, youre tying to get out of it!” 

“This doesn't even have anything to do with you! Leave my fucking business alone!” 

“It has everything to do with me, since I’m the only one who has been checking on him! Even just a simple ‘hey, did you eat today?’ would do! How many times over the past year has your check in conversation consisted of more than ‘how was your day’? Did you ever actually follow it up? Did you think that maybe that’s why he never told you about Akaashi? Maybe he just doesn't want to tell you about something so personal, when you cant even find the time of day to message him without me asking!”

Bokuto had never seen the usually timid youngest boy so upset over something that wasn't a game or something Jelly related. It honestly felt weird to watch, like it was an invasion of privacy seeing him so angry on someone else’s behalf. 

“Bokuto is fine! I think you’re making this way bigger than it is, Kenma!” the younger flinched, pulling back from the older, before taking a deep breath and standing his ground against the bigger. 

“Koutarou is depressed, Kuro! I don't think he wants to live anymore, so excuse me for wanting to keep my best friend, the boy i consider a brother, from killing himself!” 

Time stopped around him. He wasn’t depressed, was he? He never thought of it, to be honest… No, no he can't be depressed! He didn't want to kill himself…

He just wished he didn't have to live.

“Bokuto is fucking fine Kenma!”

“No, he's not! Are you that blind!” Kenma’s eyes dropped from Kuroo’s, turning to meet Bokuto’s instead, gold against gold. His entire demeanour softened, eyebrows no longer creased as his voice held a gentleness he rarely heard the fake-blonde use. “Koutarou, please be honest with me.” It took everything in him to not break down when he heard the small break in the younger's voice.

*****

Haha sorry guys-
I won't lie, this one hurt to write. I nearly cried. I hope this reveals a little more about Bokuto's internal thoughts, but I feel like it was pretty obvious from the park chapter. Also, I feel like Kuroo is a little OOC this chapter, and he's a bit of an ass, but it'll get better, I promise!

also, last chapter I lied. I said Bo would be thinking about Akaashi's confession this chapter, but it'll be soon (maybe not the next chapter, the one after?)

:)