Don't Leave Me (Behind) || [BokuAka] || ✔️

33

“How long were you guys together?” he asked tentatively, watching as Akaashi ran his fingers up and down Koutarou’s palm, feeling the soft skin on the pads of his fingers run over the lines and calluses of his own.

“We were married for about 9 months, but we were together for about 2 years. We met shortly after you and I split, but it took a few months for me to make a move on him.” His voice was soft, delicate, and Bokuto found himself wanting to bathe in the sound. He wanted to listen to it every day. To wake up to the soft, morning grogginess of that voice, or to once again hear him hum absentmindedly in the kitchen.

“Do you think he loved you?” He meant it seriously. It wasn’t a joke or a tease. He genuinely wanted to know if the boy sitting before him had felt the love he deserved from Osamu.

“I think he wanted to. I think, more than anything, he wanted to love me. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have bothered marrying me. And, I don't blame him. Because I think I only stayed with him to get over you.” There was a pause in their conversation again, and Bokuto had questions that he didn’t know how to ask.

“After literally like 3 months of being married, which is about a year ago now, I could feel him growing distant. And, honestly I don’t know what possessed me to do this, but that’s when I decided to adopt Yukie. I just… I think I subconsciously knew our marriage wasn’t going to last, so I did everything I could to keep it going for as long as possible. I think… I just remember laying down one day in bed and thinking about my parents. I realised that if I let my marriage fall to shreds, they would win.”

Koutarou remembers the day Keiji came out to his parents. They yelled and screamed, they called him a disappointment and other cruel names. They told him he could never be happy with a man; that if he was to marry one, his life would remain dull and unpleasant because he would miss the one thing that made love successful; a woman.

For months after that day, Koutarou asked if Keiji was fine, harassing him to tell the truth, promising they could talk and that he loved him wholeheartedly. Each time, the ravenette swore he was fine; that he knew his parents just said that out of anger. And over time, Bokuto started to believe what Akaashi was saying.

But clearly it had had a greater impact on the younger boy than either of them had thought.

“I knew that if my marriage failed, and they found out… I would probably die of shame.” He chuckled a little at that, though there was no humour behind his laugh. “And so I did everything I could to prevent that. I adopted Yukie to help bring us together, which sounds awful, I know. I don’t regret adopting her, not one bit, but I adopted her for selfish reasons, and that’s what I regret.” He sighed, taking a big drink of his wine, before leaning forward against Bokuto’s chest.

“After I brought her home, Osamu was pissed. He was upset, rightfully so, that I went behind his back. That was probably the first time I truly felt insecurity in our relationship. But… after that, he got along amazingly with Yukie. He really loved her, and he is an amazing dad. For a while it worked; there was less strain on our relationship, and he seemed to enjoy being around me again, but then the late nights started again, and he stopped enjoying my presence. He even invited Atsumu-san and Suna-san over every night so we wouldn't have to be alone together for too long.”

Bokuto put his drink down on the coffee table, reaching out with the now empty hand and pulling the younger boy closer towards his chest, his fingers tangling in the short black curls at the nape of his neck. He pressed a soft kiss on the boy’s temple, before pulling away again, linking his hand with Akaashi’s other.

“You don’t have to keep talking about it.” His voice was incredibly quiet, almost a whisper, and Keiji shook his head. He continued to map out the lines on the older boy’s hands, his short nails gently scratching over his palms, warm and pleasant.

“It’s ok. There’s not much after that, really. I saw the way he would look at Suna-san, and how it was completely different to the way he would look at me. And so I sat him down, handed him the papers, and we talked. It went well. He told me that, while he loves Yukie with everything, he doesn’t think he could do it without me. And we agreed I would have custody over her, and she would visit whenever she wanted…”

He trailed off, but Bokuto knew there was more he wanted to say. He gave the younger’s hand a short, gentle squeeze, letting him know they could stop there if he wanted. This wasn’t even the way the conversation was intended to go in, anyway. Akaashi’s head was tilted to the left just the slightest bit, his eyes unfocused as he reminisced.

“I told him to confess to Suna-san. I said that he clearly returned those feelings, and that I wouldn't have any ill-feelings if he did. Then, he apologised. He told me he loved me in a different way, and that he tried, because if there’s anyone he wants to love that isn’t Suna, it was me, and… we left it there. He visited Yukie every few days, since it had nothing to do with her, and we remained on good terms. Even now, I can’t blame him. I was a little bit the same, I think… Just looking for an escape, rather than love.”