// michael //
-
"and in the end, we're all just humans. drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness."
-
"hey honey," my mom says walking through the door and setting down her keys. "you okay?"
"yeah I'm fine." I lie, lifting my head from my hands and try my best to crack a smile.
"you've been crying, haven't you?" she asks me, sitting down beside me on the couch.
"no, I don't cry." I answer as manly as I can. I'm not known around here for crying.
"Mike, you don't have to lie to me." she says sympathetically, placing her hand on top of mine and doing the stroky hand thing that amethyst always loved. "hey, where's amethyst? I thought Saturdays were-"
"she's gone mom, she's fucking gone and I can't get her back." I cut her off, the tears I tried to keep away, coming back. "I met another girl while I was with her and- and I don't know what happened. I told amethyst that I was leaving her because she smokes and I told her to come back when she stopped. and she did. she stopped mom and she came to tell me and saw me kissing her. it's all my damn fault all my fucking fault."
she doesn't answer, she scoots closer to me and holds me in a comforting embrace. she always knows what to do in these situations.
"babe, you don't need to blame this on yourself. it was her choice to leave, you couldn't control it. it might've been her family being how they are to her, you never know Mike." she says before pulling out from the hug.
"I know it was me though. I was the only thing keeping her here and I can't get her back because I have no clue where she can be. it-it's all my fault." I sob into the heels of my hands while she rubs my back.
"honey, I promise you, if she loves you and you love her, you'll find your way back to each other. look I've got to go visit my mum in the nursing home, but remember that it isn't your fault." she tells me as I avoid eye contact.
I tell her I'll try but I'm good at lying. I have to find her, somehow. like, maybe she left something to show where she was going? that doesn't sound like her, but I can't help but hope. Amethyst was all I had, and now she's gone, nowhere to be found. now I'm left with nothing. I mean, I know I deserve it based on what I did to her. but she's all I had and now I don't know half of the shit I'm doing every day. it's been only a few days without her and I can't seem to find the words to tell how I feel.
I hate myself for this.
I ruined everything with her.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't live with myself.
I get up slowly, my eyes keeping on one thing and one thing only.
a knife.
I pull it out of the drawer and get a tight grip on it in my hand. I'm broken from my thoughts when the garage door opens once again.
"I left my- michael what are you doing?" my mom says, inching closer to me.
"I-I don't know." I answer truthfully, tugging at the ends of my hair angrily after I throw the knife onto the counter.
"calm down babe. calm down." she says softly as I sob and curse at myself in anger. I watch her place the knife back in the drawer slowly. "I told you to not blame it on yourself. it isn't all your fault, what do I need to do to prove it to you?"
"I just want her to tell me it isn't." I cry into her shoulder, my words being muffled. "I just need to know she forgives me and I'll be fine again."
"you really need to find her." is all she says.
"I know. I would if I could." I answer.
"and I'm going to help you." she says with a wide smile.
"really?" I ask her in shock.
"yep. we just need to find out where she is." she says with less confidence.
" that's impossible." I say, fiddling with my fingers.
"nothing's impossible." she says genuinely.
"okay well you tell me how to find her then." I raise my voice.
"michael, I'm not going to tell you again. calm down." she says strictly.
"I'm sorry, but I don't know where she could be." I say scratching my neck.
"we will find her okay?" she tells me, looking my right in the eye.
"okay." I grin. "thanks mom."
"you're welcome, michael." she says patting my back in the midst of a hug.
"how will we find her?" I ask her again.
"maybe there's something in her room at her house?" my mom answers in a den of a question.
"I highly doubt it, but we might as well try." I shrug.
"okay let's just hope her parents aren't home right now." she says, grabbing the keys she forgot in the first place off the kitchen island.
"what about grams at the nursing home?" I ask her, buckling my seatbelt in the passenger seat.
"I'll go see her tomorrow." she brushes her off, backing out of the driveway.
she drives recklessly, it kind of scares me.
"mom why are you driving so fast?" I ask, gripping the passenger seat handle as we take a sharp turn.
"my son's relationship is on the line, so this is a reason to drive like this." she scoffs lightly.
"go now." she tells me as I run out of the car to her front door. I notice her parent's suv isn't in the driveway, so I go the way I used to when I'd sneak to see her at night.
in the midst of climbing up the vine-covered wall, I notice her window is still open from when she last left it and I can't help but smally smile as I climb into the open window easily.
her room is the exact same as left it, except there's something under her bed that's been pulled from under it. the jar says 'college savings' and it's completely empty. her vanity is empty too, nothing on the outside. I search the inside scanning through many books, crumbled up papers, empty jars until I find this small crumbled piece of paper that reads:
Val - 201-587-0258
wait
isn't Val her aunt that her mom says is messed up like her? isn't she the one that left to major in cosmetology in New York?
New York.
that's where she is.
she has to be there.
New York,
here I come.
•••••••••••
hey guys!! sorry this was super long tell me what you think!!
I'm sorry that this book is awful. I've noticed some people have stopped reading it but that's okay I guess.
bye love
you!!
