// amethyst //
-
"I hate the feeling when you have to say goodbye to the person you want to spend every minute with."
-
"I think I know what'll make you feel better." Val speaks up after a few minutes of thought. she stands up from her seat on the stool and opens the door to the refrigerator.
"it's not going to help." I wipe my eyes with the sleeve of my hoodie. I feel like I've cried out all of my energy and happiness.
"are you sure this won't help?" she offers, holding out a carton of Ben and Jerry's chocolate fudge brownie. she knows it's my favorite.
"it might help a little." I smile weakly, outstretching my hand to hold the cold cardboard in my hand.
"do you want to watch some movies or do you just want to eat your ice cream?" Val asks me courageously. I feel like Val is going to be an amazing mother one day based on how she treats me.
"um, I think I just want ice cream now, thanks." I look down at the carton before entering my room. all I wanted was to be alone right now, no interruptions, nothing. just me, by myself.
"okay, come on out if you need anything." Val chirps before I focus back on the warm tears sliding down my cheeks.
how could he do this again? after all of this effort he put in to getting here and being with me, he just decides to replay everything over again? I'm so confused, why would he put so much effort into our relationship if he just wanted to hurt me again? this might be a complete misunderstanding. but yet, I don't think there could be another way this could've happened.
I felt the metal spoon against my warm lips, more tears falling as the taste of chocolate overflowed my senses. my continuous tears turn in to continuous sobs, so full of sadness and pain. my tears fall into the box of ice cream, but I eat it anyways.
the buzz of my phone makes me sniff my nose and wipe the rivers of tears. my phone unlocks and my chest literally aches from the message.
Michael.
"no, Ames." I mumble to myself, my voice cracking from the first sound.
"no."
temptation to open it runs through my veins as I ignore it, tossing my phone on the other side of my bed while I do just as I did moments before. cry and eat my ice cream.
I'm just going to have to learn to live without him. I mean, I did it for about 13 years so I know I can do it now.
"you're okay." my eyes well with tears.
"you're fine." a tear caresses my cheek.
"you're perfectly fine without him." more tears fall, my blurred vision falls onto my phone. there's another message from him.
Michael
iMessage (2)
the temptation inside me breaks, my hand reaching out to the phone and unlocking it quickly. when I see the two messages, tears and the painful sobs return.
- Ames, please let me explain
- I love you
you probably think that those three little words changed my mind completely, but you're wrong. it didn't change my mind. all it did was make the sobs louder and the tears fall quicker. with my heart thumping out of my chest a little bit.
we hadn't said those three words ever since we were home in Australia. they felt so unfamiliar, so distant. but there's no doubt in my mind it confirmed how I felt. I loved him.
I love Michael, and that's what hurt the most. even though he says he loves me, why would he repeat the same thing over again if he did? over the past month or two he's been here, I've fallen in love with how much he's tried to be with me- how much he's tried to take things slow, just like I wanted. I wanted to take things slow to see if he would still be here, after waiting to be with me. and finally, when I gave in to being with him- he ruins it all. I guess that's how it's always been. I've always been there for him and he always, always has to ruin it. he says he loves me, but how could it be true?
it can't be.
because if he learnt his mistake, he wouldn't have done it again. after the second chance, there's nothing left. there's no third or fourth chance, mostly because people catch on by then. and I've given him his second chance, there isn't anything left for me to offer.
he can't do anything to make things better or make me run into his arms again. I've had enough of his games he plays with me, and I feel like he enjoys it. messing with my head, and mostly my feelings. he messes with my feelings so fucking much. one day, he's so focused on getting me back, the next he's focused on breaking me to pieces. and that's what he did. he broke me, but I'm completely fine. I have to be happy without him in my life, and I have to start now.
because if you love someone, you need to let them go. especially if they repeatedly hurt you. and that's what he's done, but honestly, I can't stop loving him.
I've loved Michael since I was 13 years old, and he was 14, almost 15. I know cheesy teenage love never works out, but with him it was a whole different story. he treated me with care and respect unlike any boys at that age. and I began to like him, and the more and more familiar I came with him, I realized I loved him, and I knew he liked me. I never knew he loved me until a year after at my 14th birthday party. he kissed me then, and I was never happier than that moment. when his soft hand was holding my neck gently and his dirty blonde hair was fallen over his face, I couldn't think of a happier and more perfect moment then that one.
thinking about that moment made me scream, but nothing came out. no words, no sounds, just silence. my eyes were filled with tears and my cheeks were wet with tears. my eyes focused back on his messages and those three little words. they didn't mean a thing. before this happened, I would believe it, but now, I couldn't believe a single word.
-fuck you.
I smile at my my message to him before quickly sending it. he needs to know I'm done with him, and hopefully that message will show him that.
what he said back was the part that made me break down with the smile on my face fading.
- I promise you babe that it's a misunderstanding. she kissed me, I wouldn't do that to you.
even though I didn't believe his words, I figured I'd ask Val just to be sure.
"Val?" I come out of my room with my undoubtedly bloodshot eyes.
"yes love?" her Australian voice speaks from the kitchen, my footsteps following her voice. when I saw her, she was sitting at the table with a mug to her mouth. my stomach lurched when she looked up and her eyes met mine.
"I know t-this is completely weird and no way this could happen," I begin, swaying from side to side. "but is there by any chance that you kissed Michael instead of Michael kissing you?"
"no- not at all." she immediately replies, she breaks eye contact with me and suddenly has a fascination with the magazine she's reading. "oh my god, did you hear about Meghan trainor having to cancel the rest of her tour?"
"no.." I reply awkwardly before walking very slowly to my room. the way she changed the subject immediately, and how she didn't have time to think before answering my question. I can't help but think maybe she did kiss him. but I know Val would never do that to me, she loves me too much. she probably just hated that I brought up the subject of me and Michael being over. it may be why, but I'll never know.
•••••
hey guys!
sorry it's been taking me forever to update lately, schools sadly started and I'm beginning to write my next book!!
I can't wait for you guys to read it!
