The next day, we all went to a hotel since we had three days off. Gerard and I got our own room, and that was good, but something felt a little... Off. I couldn't explain it. I just felt overwhelmed. I felt like my depression was coming back for me. I didn't even know why, but I felt a breakdown coming on.
Gerard had gone to the bathroom to take a shower, so I laid in bed and decided to check my social media. I hadn't really checked since Gerard and I announced our relationship. I logged onto MySpace first. I noticed that I had tons of messages. Most of them were really sweet. I took time to think of good, sincere responses to each and every sweet message I got. It was great.
A few of them weren't so sweet.
"Why would Gerard want you? You're so ugly!"
"I'm sure you're just using Gerard for his fame. How's that working out for you?"
"Where'd Gerard meet you, a dumpster?"
"I bet Gerard's already cheated on you lmao"
"Stop being such a slut"
"Are you and Gerard even together or is this a publicity stunt?"
"Gerard doesn't even love you. I hope you know that."
These were the messages that stuck out the most to me. I felt warm tears begin to slide down my face. Did the fans really hate me this much? I hadn't even noticed Gerard coming out of the bathroom until he ran over to lay down next to me.
"Baby, what's wrong?" he asked. The confusion on his face immediately turned to anger as he looked over at my shoulder at my laptop and read the messages. "I can't believe they'd say this shit to you. You know none of that's true, right?" I shook my head.
"It is true. I'm worthless and I'm ugly and I don't deserve you. Maybe they're wrong when they say you don't love me. I know you love me, but you shouldn't. At this point I wouldn't even blame you if it turned out you don't really love me. I'm sorry I came into your life and fucked everything up," I bawled.
"Stop that, Lily. You didn't fuck anything up. You're beautiful and I will always love you. C'mere. If they don't believe I love you, I'll make them believe it. Come get in a picture with me," he said. I wiped my tears and made sure there was no makeup running down my face. I sat up and so did he. He handed me the camera and I held it up. He placed his hand on my cheek and kissed me. I snapped the picture and hoped it came out good. He pulled away and grabbed the camera to look at the picture.
"Perfect. I'm gonna post this now, okay? Hand me your laptop," he said. I handed it to him and he logged me out of MySpace so he could log into his own. He posted the new picture with the caption "This one's for all of those motherfuckers who are doubting my love for her." I laughed at his caption as he closed the laptop and set it down on the floor next to the bed. I still felt almost empty. I still felt like a breakdown was coming on.
"Gerard, can I tell you something?" I asked quietly.
"Of course! Anything, baby," he said calmly.
"When I was younger I'd have these times where I'd push everything aside for too long, and then one day it would all come crashing down on me. I just... I have this feeling right now, Gerard. I have the same feeling that I always used to get before that would happen. I-I think it's going to happen again," I muttered. "Shit, what's the date today?" I asked, suddenly panicked.
"September 19th. Why do you ask?" he asked.
"I have to call Samantha," I shouted, panic taking over my entire body. He tried to calm me down and he handed me my cell phone. He got up to leave me to have my private phone call, but I shook my head and asked him to stay. I frantically looked for Samantha's number in my contacts and clicked it. It rang five times. That was much more than her usual three.
