The next day I went over to the Way house again because the guys were going to be there soon to discuss this with me. Jamia came too to support me, but mostly because she wanted to see Frank. What we hadn't realized was that Gerard had not left yet. According to Mikey, he was supposed to be doing something with Lindsey today, but apparently not yet.
The guys and Jamia snuck past Gerard, (who was sitting on the living room sofa instead of his usual hideout in the basement) and went right up to Mikey's room without Gerard noticing. Unfortunately, I was not so lucky.
"Hey Lily," he said, smiling at me.
"Hey Gerard," I said, using my best fake smile on him. I guess it wasn't good enough, because he looked into my eyes and his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
"What's the matter?" he asked helpfully.
"N-nothing. I'm just tired," I mumbled. He patted the spot next to him on the couch and I groaned internally as I sat down.
"Lily, just because we're not dating anymore doesn't mean you can't tell me these things. You're still one of my best friends," he sighed.
"It's nothing, okay?" I snapped slightly. I felt bad, but I just couldn't tell him about it. He sighed and buried his face into his hands.
"You don't trust me anymore, do you?" he asked quietly.
"It's not that... It's just..." I paused. I couldn't tell him the real reason. He lifted his head up and looked into my eyes. I have no fucking idea what came over me, but I started to lean in. I thought I was dreaming or something. I couldn't really be this stupid, could I? But as soon as our lips touched I was brought right back to reality, and I was loving it. I never wanted to pull away again. The sparks and the butterflies started going at full force. It felt so right.
Our kiss was cut short as we heard the front door slam open. He pulled away quickly just before a voice I still recognized all too well filled the room.
"Hey babe! Ready to go?" she asked Gerard. "Wait. What the hell is she doing here?" she spat.
"Y-yeah babe. I'm ready. Um... She was just here to visit Mikey again," he lied.
"Y-yeah... Um... I was just leaving, actually," I said awkwardly as tears threatened to spill out from my eyes once more.
"Lily, wait!" I heard Gerard call after me, but I ran right out of the house and back to my own without once looking back. I ran right past Samantha and the girls and up to my room without a word. I heard the doorbell ring but I just buried myself farther under my blankets and started bawling. I shut the curtains of my bed. I wanted to be alone. I was too humiliated and heartbroken right now. I just wanted to be left alone.
Why would I do that? God, I'm such an idiot. Why did I think he'd want to kiss me?
My thoughts were cut short as I heard a big group of footsteps coming up the stairs. The curtains of my bed were pulled back, and Frank, Ray and Mikey all stood in front of me. "What the hell happened in there?" Frank asked.
"Leave me alone," I said, refusing to answer his question. They all climbed into bed and sat next to me.
"Should we show her?" I heard Mikey whisper to Ray. He probably thought I could hear him. Ray nodded.
"Lily, where's your laptop?" Ray asked. I silently pointed to my desk and Ray got up to grab it. He climbed back into bed and turned it on, handing it to me.
"Check his MySpace," Ray said sadly. So I did. That's when my heart officially broke. I actually felt the pain of heartbreak in my chest.
He had deleted every single post he had ever made with or about me. He cropped me out of all the pictures from the tour he had posted. Even the picture of us kissing he had posted was gone. All evidence of our relationship was gone from his MySpace page. "I can't believe he'd do that," I sobbed loudly. "I guess it's official then. He hates my fucking guts," I bawled as I slammed my laptop shut.
Everybody sat in silence as they let me cry. Nobody knew what to say to comfort me.
*~Gerard's P.O.V~*
I really fucked up this time. What the fuck was I thinking? I don't love Lindsey. I was just so lonely without Lily that I thought she'd be enough to fill the hole in my heart. Once Lily kissed me, I realized that I had never wanted Lindsey. Lily was the only woman I love. The only problem was, I didn't want to break up with Lindsey. Sure, she treats me and all of my friends like shit, but I still don't want to hurt her. I was distant to Lindsey all day. I couldn't stop my mind from wandering back to that kiss. It felt so right. She kissed me, so that must mean she still loves me, right?
I thought back to her lips. They were soft and smooth just like before. They fit against mine just as well as before. It broke my heart as she left because I wasn't sure if she'd be back.
She must hate me.
I wouldn't even blame her. I've broken her heart so many times that I'm sure I've left some permanent damage to her mental state.
I've dumped her, I've cheated on her, plus whatever horrible shit I did to her while I was drunk.
What did I do to her while I was drunk? That's what I needed to find out.
I was pulled from my thoughts by Lindsey snapping her fingers in front of my face. "Babe? You're spacing out again," she sighed.
"I don't feel good. I-I've gotta go," I said.
"You're not going over to that blue-haired whore's house, are you?" she asked.
I shook my head. "No. I'm just gonna go lie down for a while," I said, planting a quick peck on her cheek to make it seem more believable.
"Bye hun. Love you," she said, but I didn't return it. I just left. It wasn't fair to lie to her.
When I got home I searched everywhere for Mikey, but he wasn't here. I called him.
"What do you want?" he asked. I heard light crying in the background and I wondered where he was.
"Come here. I need to ask you something," I explained quickly.
"Fine," he huffed. I heard his voice faintly talking to the female voice that I heard the cries coming from earlier. He must have covered the phone, because I couldn't hear what he was saying. Then the line went dead went dead and I figured Mikey was on his way. He got home like three minutes later and I realized there was only one place he could have been if he got home in three minutes on foot.
The woman's voice I had heard was Lily's.
My princess was crying over me again.
My heart broke even more.
"What do you want, Gerard?" Mikey scoffed.
"Tell me what I did to Lily," I said coldly.
"G-Gerard you know I can't do that," he denied.
"Please, Mikey! I need to know!" I pleaded.
"I'm gonna go ask Ray and Frank. They'll settle this," Mikey said. He ran off to Lily's house and came back about ten minutes later.
"They said I can tell you," he said. I let out a heavy sigh of relief. Now I'd finally learn the truth.
"You made sexual advances on her twice and... You almost killed her once," he murmured. My heart sank.
"What do you mean by 'almost killed her?'" I asked.
"You um... You strangled her for a long time," he mumbled, looking down at the ground. I suddenly felt a tear roll down my face. I'm a fucking monster. No wonder she doesn't trust me. I almost killed her. What kind of boyfriend was I? I almost killed the love of my life. Lily meant everything to me. She was my princess, my love, my other half. I've never loved anybody as much as I love Lily. She helped me through all of the low points in my life. I can't believe I almost killed her. I would never be able to live without her. Especially not if I was the reason she was gone. I felt sick to my stomach just thinking that. I collapsed to my knees on the ground and started crying. I couldn't help it. I was scared. I didn't want to lose Lily again. Those were the worst two years of my life, but I also didn't want to hurt Lindsey.
I've broken her heart too many times.
I fucked up.
