My Big fat friendzone

chapter 34

new chapter :) too much assignemnts/assesments to upload every day. sorry !!!

Chapter 34

As i unfolded the crinkled up, hidden ,blue lined paper, my heart began to pound, louder and louder, thumping against my hot fuming flesh, my tears became more fluent, and my mind, more shattered than it had ever been.

I couldn’t help my tears, if something like this where ever to happen to you, i don’t know what you would do, i am hopeless.

It was a letter.

Dear jai,

I understand your relationship with mikayla, you are indeed the most beloved human being, so close to her heart, you have for sure nurtured her and shown her more love and affection than i would of ever had the chance too. I don't blame her for feeling this way, i thank you for all the love and affection you have showed , i thank you solemnly for being her only true friend , her only family , the only person she can rely on, since i did not do a pretty good job at it . i wish i could show you anyway somehow, I wish I could show her the person I wanted to be, how I wanted her to feel loved and cared for, but sadly that is not possible for i am now unsure of my existence on this earth, whether I am alive or dead. Life is not how I planned it to be, for me or for my mikayla. This letter is my last letter before i go, i am unable to face her, or explain it to her myself as i would not be able to contain myself after i witness her reaction. I like to blame society for what i am about to do, but then again, we are society. I simply cannot carry on being the selfish, un-caring person i am; i have to take my own life, to re-assure mikayla's . It may sound stupid and selfish, but it is the right thing to do, for me, or mikayla will forever hold a gaping hole in her heart, carrying the unaffection and sorrow that comes from being uncared for. For this reason I have chosen you to send this letter to be for one main reason. I put you in charge of being mikayla's guardian , i give you permission to take her wherever ,whenever as long as you know she will be safe, she is in your hands because i would of probably be in the in-between by the time you read this letter. Please explain to mikayla my disappearance at the right time, i don't want to see her like this, i don't want to know what happens to her, i can not bare myself , my conscious is eating my alive and as i write this letter tears of apology are pouring  down my dull, ill , lonesome face. I beg you take  full care of my sweet baby girl mikayla, never let her go because i know how much she means to you, and i know for a fact you mean so much more to her, she just may not show it right now. I hope you can fulfill my needs, i have full trust in you; please take care of my daughter, mikayla

Just remember something and one thing only, when mikayla is down, and you have no clue what to do, hold her tight , point into the sky and tell her that I will always be here in her heart, and that e will, one day meet again.

Sweet guardian jai.

At that moment everything was in place, the stars were aligned, everything was clear.

Mum had committed suicide. All because of me

How could I forgive myself for this?

I poured into tears, what do you expect, my mother took her own life because she failed to keep up with mine. She didn't know what to do; she had no control over her life, now i simply don't know what to do either. I’m just a girl.

I sat on the floor crying. Crying like I've never cried before. 

Jai was walking up the stairs and i could hear him, but i couldn't stop myself. I just kept crying.

As he walked in the door, i lifted my head up and stared into his eyes, my eyes filled with tears, my heart shattered into a million and one pieces , my bones shaking, now knowing that my entire life is in jai's hands.

Jai knew what had just happened while he was away , he understood that i had found my mothers suicide  note, and that i had read it and knew that he had kept it away from me ,he knew. Just by the look on my face, the note in my hand, even by his own expression.

Jai's expression was blank, shocked maybe. He had a single tear in his left eye, escaping from his pupil whom dripped right down his vulnerable face onto the carpeted floor.

He slowly looked down onto the floor, at my hands, he saw the paper in my hands, the tremble in my hands, he attempted to come near me, and I stood up. Fear in my teary eyes.

I backed away, i felt like i was abandoned, like a wounded bird, that had been shot in the heart, gasping for any last particle of oxygen. An someone coming to aid the bird, to pick me up, the type of bird that  would be terrified and back away,unnecepting of any help, I felt like that.

Jai tried to speak, but he stuttered. "Mi-i-Kayla please let me explain"

My tears were even more than before, my breathing was so hard, and my heart was thumping against my chest. 

"How could you"

"How dare you"

My crying became unbearable, I couldn’t control it, i was about to stop breathing

Jai tried to hug me, i couldn't let him, not now, and no-one could make me feel better, not at this moment.

"Don't touch me"

My voice was serious

"I trusted you"

"Why jai"

"Why would you do this to me?"

"Why would you want to do this to me?"

He wouldn’t stare into my eyes

I knew that the way I had found out was wrong but i had to know what was going on, i knew how mean and cold i was being, but i deserved answers. At the least.

Not a second did i think that it wasn’t Jai’s choice, only after i calmed down had i realized jai hadn't told me he had to protect me. Because he wanted to protect me regardless. I didn’t tell him though.

“Mikayla i had no choice, you have to believe me; i had no clue “

He stopped at that, he began to cry. Never in my life had i seen jai cry, not like this. That’s my job, 

I couldn't stand to see jai in the state he was in, i wasn't prepared for this. I threw the paper on the ground, i was hardly breathing, jai came to comfort me , trying to hug me but I took off, i jumped out that window, onto the freshly cut green grass , looked back up into jai's window, and saw him on his bed with his hands on his head crying , confused.

Poor me? Poor jai. 

I’ve never been so frustrated in my entire 15 years of existence, jai the boy i thought i loved turned out to be one of my guardian ordered by my dead mother, does that mean all the kisses hugs and affection were just to make me comfortable and safe, was the fact that jai had treated me this way just because i had a dead father and now a dead mother. Does he really love me, does her care about me or does he just feel sorry for me, that last thought was ringing in my head, my life is completely ruined. What was i to do?

I had no clue who to go to at this point, jai the only guy i had trusted with my life just..... And this was when i wanted to run out of his house and this was when i wanted to forget every little memory we had possibly made together at this moment i was hopeless but what if... 

I couldn’t.

I cried and cried, nearly out of breathe, this was different ruby's party, different to prom, different from the four fingered ring dude, it was the fact that I knew, truly had no-one to go to.

So much thoughts where in my mind at this state, in fact too much to list down. I sat on the front patio, i don’t know why i didn’t run this time , even after what happened just moments ago, i couldn't leave jai , i need jai, jai needs me more than i need him. I sat down and cried. I left my phone on the grass. 

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