My Big fat friendzone

Chapter 18

Hey guys, this isn't a chapter of the story, it is a soliloquy, while mikki was in bed no able to sleep, she starts to think. This is what she thinks about.hope you enjoy :)

Chapter 18

Imagine this, even though it may be absolutely surreal, sometimes, well, ever since my mum died, these are the thoughts that have been flying around in my helpless, mind.

can you imagine that you know youve had enough of life.sitting at your desk. Thinking to yourself, you can hear yourself speak but you try to ignore the negative thoughts, the thoughts that it is time to go, You've said that to yourself over a million times, but this time you know, for sure, that the time has come, this time , it is real. You're tired. You're just so very tired.tired of the fact that you are now an orphan, mum and dad are both dead, dead and gone, no more goodnight kisses, well from mum at least, no more daddy's big hugs and fishing at the beach, those talks that create memories in your mind and heart. The ones that will always and forever be with you. Do you know those ones? Well i don't. Which is why i question my existence most of the time.

On the other hand school isnt any better. The bully who is just jelous of you but dosent like to admit the fact that you are why she has always wanted to be? Those type of people who live just to thrash you, living to make your life a living , breathing hell hole.

today.You go to get the rope, or the knife, or the gun or the contemplation of whether you should jump of this bridge or throw yourself off the balcony or whatever you choose to use because you're that desperate to leave. You're ready.

You think of it as some game. Never taken it seriously, the consequences, the loss of your life, how it would affect the people around you , not like i have anyone anyway, other than jai, it has seemed to me that The first one dead is the one who wins.the one who wins peace, for eternity.

No ones home, they're both dead. I'm an only child anyway, perfect. it's the perfect time. You're ready.you start to fiddle around with your books, over thinking the situation, If you don't do it now, you're gonna look down on yourself even more,forever. You're going to hate yourself even more. Everyone will hate you even more, you'll jus get more and more depressed, more and more upset,No one knows, no one will know, no one will care....until later on.

Avoiding the paper and a pen, you decide to get the video camera, along with a chair, "The"chair,lets call it the slaughter chair.it will be the last thing you stand on, the last breate, the last glimpse of what will be wiped away from your sight forever, the last smell of life, the last thought, which in most cases is , "sorry" , sorry for what? For being who i am.

You're standing on the chair. You decided to go with the rope. That way you're gone instantly,there will be no noise, no suspicion, no smell, nothing.

The left side of the rope is tied to the top of your fan,the part that swings around clockwise, while the other is already around your neck.Tightened , , so that you wont stop yourself from jumping off that chair, in that way, it will tighten and choke you even faster.

You're in tears, you know it's for real this time. You can feel it. You turn on the video camera and just stare at the red light blinking , flashing in your eyes. You start to mumble out a few words.I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm sorry, but I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. I don't even know who I am anymore. I've lost myself and I seem to not find my way back. I cant blame anyone, because there is no-one to blame, i blame myself. please. Its not my fault who sees this video, I'm sorry to all the people who have cared about me but didn't say or defend me when i was getting bullies, because it would kill your rep. Stay strong, and stay safe. I'll see you all soon."thats if you make it where i am going.

You say sorry to your best friend because you know you won't be there for him anymore especially when he needs you more than ever. I thouht of jai.

You say sorry to everyone you could think of... even yourself. You're sorry for not being strong anymore. You're sorry for breaking down. You're sorry for putting them through so much pain in their life.sorry for putting yourself into so much pain, sorry your could not defend yourself, sorry you couldn't stand up to the bastards that put you down. Your just sorry.

You regain your thoughts, the day dream has ended, once again, you look at the red light blinking , trying to wipe off the abandoned tear trying to escape your throbbing soul. One foot is off the chair now as you begin to mouth the word goodbye. Goodbye to life, the world as we know it, to school, to my friends, to waffles, to the beach, to jai.

You have the remote control to turn off the camera in your right hand. Your index finger is placed firmly on the off button already. You clicked that button and as soon as you see that light go off, you go off. Both feet are now off the chair... the chair is on the floor... the room is filled with silence.silence because you cant hear it.

You're gone. You're dead. There is no going back.but you dont know your dead, simply because, you are dead.

Everything is over. You don't have to live in pain anymore.no more living through guilt of both your parents being dead, no more of the threats you take in from all the bullies, pain from the ugly things in life.

No, you wont feel anymore pain.

But everyone else will.

What are your parents going to think? I don't have anymore parents, I'm an orphan. What about jai.

You're gone.

You're dead.

There is no going back.

You ended your life because the person of your dreams only likes you as a friend? You ended your life because that one teacher was harder on you than anyone else in the class because she knew you're the only one that is going somewhere in life.

No- one comes home, since you ar an orphan living alone. no one calls the ambulance.... but something's different.No actually nothing is, no one has ever care about you anyway, no-one cares whether your alive, They don't hear your voice.no-one does.

I started to think about how jai would notice my exit from this life.

Jai will come upstairs thinking your sleeping or showering. He opens your bedroom door and does nothing but open his mouth in shock .He. screams "MIKAYLA" He runs over to you hitting your leg begging you to wake up. "WAKE UP, WAKE UP. PLEASE STOP WAKE UP". But you don't answer, you're not waking up.

You're gone.

You're dead.

There is no waking up.

There's no going back.

He watches his baby girl swing back and forth on a rope. Watches his best friend , his sister, maybe his one true love. He sees the video camera and he sees the chair. But he doesn't move. He cries.... Jai never cries.he is usually your rock, your the one who always breaks down. Tables have turned. He picks up the phone and calls 999. He can barely get the words "My best friend committed suicide." out of his mouth. He's in tears.

. Jai hangs up , crying harder than ever.

Only because knows you're gone. He begins to blame himself, but the blame wont bring you back to life. he knows you're dead. There is no going back.

Everything is over.

Just like that.

You're gone.

You're dead.

There's no going back.

Nothing is the same.

How could i do this to jai, sure i can imagine myself doing this exactly, but no, i cant, not to jai.