Never Safe

Chapter Fifty-Six

You heard him crying next to you. You didn't move much when you woke up, so Bucky didn't realise that you'd opened your eyes. You looked around the room and quickly realised you'd been moved to the med-bay.

And Bucky was next to you, holding his head in his hands as he weeped quietly to himself.

Bucky rarely cried in front of you. It always upset you to see him like this. You felt so guilty because you knew it was your fault. You felt horrible for making him feel that way when he didn't deserve it. You loved him; you shouldn't do that to him.

You looked to your arm, where there was an IV attached. You needed to get rid of it. You pulled at it with your other hand. As soon as you moved, Bucky looked up.

"Y/n." He tried to stop you. "No, don't..." His voice broke, which brought tears to your own eyes. You tried to push Bucky off of you as he kept trying to grab your hands to stop you ripping off the IV. You succeeded.

Bucky was leaning over you, as it had been attached to the arm opposite to where he was sitting. He was looking at where you'd pulled it out when you hugged him, catching him completely off guard. He slowly stood up but you didn't let go; you got to your knees so you could keep your arms wrapped around him.

You pressed your face into his jumper, dampening it with your tears as Bucky's dropped into your hair. He pulled you closer towards him, hugging you back. He sat down on the bed, leaning back against the pillows. You lie down across his chest. Your fingernails dug into him slightly as you were desperate to hold on. Bucky placed a hand on the back of your head, brushing over your hair with his palm.

"I'm so sorry" you moaned as you cried. "I'm sorry, Bucky-"

"Sh, it's okay."

"I'm sorry..."

"It's okay. I'm here. You don't need to say sorry. It's okay."

Neither of you said anything more after that. You were too busy sobbing against Bucky's chest and he was too busy holding you, wanting you to feel safe. He comforted you as much as he could. He hoped this meant you were feeling better. You'd spoken to him, which was an improvement from ignoring him, and everyone else.

He didn't want to push you too far, so he didn't try to make conversation. You were sat in his arms for a long while, but neither of you went to sleep.

Eventually, after the sun had risen, Bruce stopped by to check on you. You were facing away from the door but you heard it open. Bucky felt you tense up slightly. He hugged you tighter for a second, kissing the top of your head to assure you it was okay. Then he looked up at Bruce, who'd made his way over to the bed. He had his lips slightly parted, trying to figure out what to ask.

"Is... everything okay?" 

Bucky released an exhausted breath and admitted "I don't know."

"How long have you been up?"    

"A couple hours."  

"Is she..."

"She's awake" Bucky nodded. He lowered his voice a little. "I don't think she's going to be up for conversation."   

"That's fine" Bruce replied. "I can come back to check on her later. I'm just gonna grab the stuff for her cuts in case you wanna try taking care of them." He started gathering supplies and putting them all within arms reach of the bed. Bucky watched him, but he wasn't paying attention. Your finger was tapping him, and not just randomly.    

Morse code was one of the things you'd learnt for fun.

"Do you have any of the medication you gave her for her head?" Bucky asked, after deciphering the word 'headache'. Bruce smiled and added it to the small pile of things he'd put together for you.

"Do you need anything else?"  

"I think we're all good for now. Thanks, Bruce."

"No problem. See you in a bit." 

Bruce left. Bucky reached over to the table and picked up the small bottle of pills. "Mild or really bad?"

You shrugged.

"Why don't we start with one and see if that's enough for now?" he suggested, handing you a pill. You took it and quickly dry-swallowed it. Bucky picked up something else. He moved your hair to the side.

As soon as he began applying the cream, your hand curled into a fist around his jumper, wincing as your skin stung.

"I'm sorry sweetheart. This will only take a minute." 

When he was done, he fixed your hair (as much as he could while you were lying down). The next thing he needed to do was look at your face. He sat still for a moment as he thought it through in his head.

He lifted you further up his chest before rolling you over so you were next to him. You let him, pushing yourself up to sit back against the cushions. Bucky sat opposite you. He frowned at the sight of your skin. He used his finger to lift your chin so he could look at the bruises on your neck.

"God, I should've killed him" he muttered.

You looked away uncomfortably. Bucky didn't notice as he turned to the small bedside table where Bruce had left the supplies. When he faced you again, he placed his hand on your cheek and turned your head towards him. You sat in silence for a while; he was almost done when you first spoke.

"You can say I told you so now."

Bucky paused what he was doing. He made eye contact with you. "No... no, because you don't understand how much I really wished I was wrong."   

"You said you didn't want me here." 

"I know. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. I'd rather have you here with me than with anyone else. I should never have said it in the first place. I was mad, and I said things I shouldn't. It's no excuse... It happens a lot, so I'm going to work on it."

You nodded. Bucky finished what he was doing. He moved the supplies off the bed then looked back at you.

"Do I really make you unhappy, y/n?"    

You instantly shook your head.

"Are you sure?"      

"It's not you. It's not your fault and I never should have blamed you... I just didn't feel safe anymore. And I got scared." 

Bucky pulled you into a hug. "I am so sorry. You don't deserve this. I wish I could promise that nothing's ever going to happen again, but every time I do it just seems to get worse. I hate that this is happening to you."

"Me too."