Wednesday 20th of October 2021
Marlo:
I think about dying a lot.
I think about different ways of dying, and what ones would be easiest to do.
I think about how it would feel. Which way would be the least painful, the quickest. Because I don't want to be in pain for long.
I also think about how it would feel like to actually die. That moment between life and death right before your body goes unconscious.
Right as they're about to slip away forever, I wonder if anyone's ever thought "wait, I don't want to die anymore", but they can't save themself because it's too late. I wonder if there's a moment when the brain is still awake, just for a fraction of a second, when the rest of the body has shut down, and the person who is dead is feeling nothing but regret.
But then, I wonder if it would be the same feeling as I get walking through the woods.
Calm. No Bad thoughts or emotions. Just peace.
For eternity.
I wish I was dead.
I have a longing for it, I can feel it in my mind and heart and body and soul. It's almost desperate at times, how badly I want to leave. It's almost a constant thought.
Because it is tiring.
So tiring, to be fighting to survive.
And it is surviving, rather than living, because I don't think living should ever feel this difficult. Like you're struggling to keep your head above water, so close to drowning.
Sometimes, I think I should just let myself drown.
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First Light
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