First Light

46 understanding

Thursday 17th of February 2022

Marlo:

The evening breeze feels cold on my face, the sky made up of shades of blue-black, the branches of the trees around us dipped in silver from the pale moonlight.

The silence is a comforting one, not one that either of us feels the need to fill right now. Faye's fingertips are cold against the back of my hand, and my chest tinges with guilt - it's my fault we're outside right now.

Well, maybe 'fault' is the wrong word - I should say it was my 'idea'. I'm the one who wanted to go outside. We could very easily be in my room right now, or her's.

But the want - the need - to be outside in the woods, just for a little bit, was too strong to ignore. My thoughts are particularly loud today. I thought there was a chance that being with Faye could make them quiet, at least enough for me to not have to focus on them, but I was wrong.

Maybe it's the persistance or the volume of these thoughts that makes me speak.

"I don't really want to be alive."

I feel Faye startle slightly at my sudden words. For a horrible moment of silence, I think I've made her dislike me.

"Me too."

Oh.

I look at her. "Really?"

She sniffs a little, nose scrunching slightly, her eyes focused downwards. "Yeah."

I don't really know how to go about this.

"Did you want to talk about it?" She asks, squeezing my hand. "I can just listen, I don't mind."

I can physically feel my entire self fighting for me not to open up, not to talk about this. No one wants to hear this.

Maybe Faye does.

So I tell her. With much pausing and uncertainty of how to explain it, with my body cringing and my head telling me I'm overreacting and to stop talking, I tell her.

And then she tells me. As best as she can.

From how she describes it I know she completely understands me, even if we don't experience it identically to each other, because I completely understand her. I'm relieved, in a way, that someone understands what it's like.

But my heart is hurting. Hurting for her and what she has to experience.

I wonder how someone this unkind to herself can be so kind to others.

"I don't see you any differently, by the way," Faye says to me once she's finished telling me, green eyes looking into mine. "I don't see you in a bad way, I mean."

I do my best to smile at her. "Me too. With you."

She nods, eyes flicking away again. "I really care about you, Marlo. I wish I could make everything okay."

"And I want you to be okay. You don't deserve to suffer like this. You deserve to always be happy."

It's only when she wipes her face that I see she's crying, just a little. This makes my heart hurt even more, and I'm pulling her in to hug me.

"Oh, Faye. What's wrong?"

Her arms are tight around me like she doesn't want to let go. "Hearing you speak about your problems and what you're going through, I - ... Just makes me upset, I'm sorry."

You've made her upset.

I pull her closer to me because she's nowhere near close enough. "No, Faye, don't apologise. I'll be okay, don't worry."

We stay like that for a while with my arms around her and her's around me. Each inhale fills me with her perfume and how lucky I am to know her. It's such a privilege to have found such a radiant soul inside someone so beautiful.

She doesn't let go of my hand once on the walk to my flat.

I ask her to stay the night. This is the first time that we've shared a bed to sleep.

I don't really want her to leave, when we've shared something so intimate. Talking about something like that and then going back to being by yourself doesn't seem like very much of a good idea. She agrees, and when she gets in next to me I pull her close against my chest, secure, and kiss the back of her shoulder.

We shouldn't be this kind of tired at our age.

Faye:

Marlo drops off before I do. I can feel his heart beating steadily against the curve of my back as he sleeps. It makes me happy, that I'm giving him some sort of comfort to be able to get to sleep when he usually struggles so much to. It makes me think I'm doing something right.

If it was possible, I'd want to take all of his pain away so that I could deal with it, just so he wouldn't have to.

It takes me a long time to fall asleep.