First Light

41 books

Saturday 29th of January 2022

Marlo:

Calm. Everything is calm when I'm with Faye.

The Bad thoughts and emotions are quieter, I can't quite hear them. They're straining to be heard, to be listened to, but I have to focus on them properly to understand what they're telling me.

She blocks them out with her smile, and her laugh. Her presence.

She makes everything okay, at least for a little while

She's my peace.

I look at her like I'm trying to memorise each facial feature, each faded freckle across her nose. She's pretty like weeping willow trees.

She notices me looking, and gives that embarrassed laugh she always does, rolling her eyes exaggeratedly.

"Can you not stare so intensely?" When she smiles like this, her mouth closed but turned upwards at the sides ever so slightly, like she's amused, it makes me want to kiss her.

I always want to kiss her.

I roll my eyes right back as a response, getting a laugh out of her that always makes me feel like I've achieved something amazing. "I'm not staring."

She sighs quietly, because she knows that even though I know I'm staring, I will never admit it.

"Can you focus on picking a book, please? That's what bookstores are for." Her tone suggests annoyance but I know she isn't actually annoyed.

I smirk because she's right, turning back to the shelf that's in front of me. It was her idea, after all, to come here and pick out one book for each other.

I sneak a quick glance back at her again, and she's got one in her hand, reading the blurb with a focused expression, one burgundy-painted nail following the words. She's clearly taking this book-picking task very seriously, even though I'd read anything that she gave me.

I should probably take it very seriously too, because god forbid her book ends up being better than mine. This has now turned into a competition, unbeknownst to Faye.

In the end, she's chosen a mystery novel for me and I've picked a fantasy novel for her.

I suggest going out to eat something once we step outside the bookstore. It's late afternoon now, and the light is soft and gentle.

She doesn't say anything, avoiding eye contact, and I think she hasn't heard me for a second. Her hands are fixing her hair, her jacket, her necklaces, doing everything but keeping still. She does this as a self-soothing kind of thing, I've noticed.

"Faye? What's wrong?" I say gently.

She looks back at me, half-frowning. "Marlo?"

I nod. "Yeah?"

She licks her upper lip, closes her eyes for a second, like she is is trying to muster patience. "I need to tell you something."

How she says it makes my heart sink into my stomach, but I don't show it on my face.

She doesn't like you anymore is the first thought that pops into my head.

"I'm listening, Faye. You can tell me anything."

"Okay," She nods twice. "Okay, okay."

I wait for her to speak again because I don't want her to think I'm rushing her.

"Could we walk a bit? Back to the direction of the bus stop, or something. I think it's better if I say it while you're not directly looking at me, if that's okay."

"Yeah, of course." I reply.

She takes my hand as we're walking, intertwining her fingers with mine, and warmth courses up my arm, travelling into my chest to my heart, and this calms me. It feels so good to be able to hold her hand in public.

"It's something I should've told you ages ago, but Gia's the only one who really knows about it," She begins.

I rub my thumb over her knuckle.

"I don't know if you've noticed, but I have problems with food. Issues eating it. Not eating enough,"

My heart sinks in a different way than before.

"I've had anorexia for a while now, years. A lot of my life. Sometimes it's fine, but sometimes it's really bad. It affects how I see myself a lot. I'm very overly obsessive with how my body looks, and I know it's unhealthy but I try to ignore it. The negative thoughts, I mean."

I squeeze her hand gently. "Please don't take this the wrong way but I kind of suspected it. You hide it very well but I had my suspicions, I just didn't want to attack you with accusations in case it wasn't true. I wanted you to be able to feel comfortable telling me, whenever that was. Even if it was ages from now," I turn to look at her even though she asked me not to. "But thank you though, for telling me. I know that it took a lot of trust for you to say something private like that."

She nods, then turns to me. "I wanted to tell you before but things like this can be a bit awkward to say."

I offer a reassuring smile. "I completely get that, don't worry. I'm not going to force you to eat but I would really like to help you, if possible. I don't want you to restrict yourself."

The end of her nose is tinged pink from the cold and she sniffs a little, turning back to look straight ahead. "I know. I'm trying to get better."

"And I'm very proud of you for that. Progress isn't linear, remember. It's okay if it's only small steps."

She smiles without looking at me, just a little, but it makes my heart soar all the same. "Okay."