First Light

69 faye

The silence is awful, like all the oxygen in the room has turned to glass or ice, and I can't breathe, I can't breathe.

I close my eyes and feel her hand on my skin and hear her laughing. My eyes open with a start, but her laugh was just inside my head. My whole body aches and burns and my stomach turns, and I reach down to her. I hold her face in my hands, kiss her forehead, and it's warm, as if she's sleeping. She is sleeping. Any second now she'll wake up, and I'll hear that laugh that I love so much.

Any second now.

I can hear someone saying my name, pulling my arm, but I ignore them.

Why are they trying to take me away from you, Faye?

I can tell her what we have planned for her birthday. She'll be 19 in a few days.

I stare at her.

Why aren't you waking up?

My face is wet, and some of it falls onto her, onto Faye. Am I crying?

I'm so sorry, Faye.

I try to wipe my tears off her, but my hands are covered in it.

Blood. Her blood. I'm so sorry.

"I love you. I love you so much." My words are incoherent to anyone but me.

Whoever it is pulls me again, gently but firmly, and I shake them off.

"No, we can't leave her like this. We need to make sure she's okay."

"She's gone, Marlo. She's gone."

"No she isn't!" I'm shouting all of a sudden because I'm angry, very angry, and I turn to Jonah, who's crying, still trying to pull me.

Why isn't he angry? He's given up on her.

I lay her flat on her back and kneel so I'm facing her sideways, putting my palm on her chest and interlocking my fingers with my other hand on top. I press down on her chest hard, counting 30 pushes before tilting her head back gently and lifting her chin with one hand, pinching her nose with the other. I push air from my mouth into her's, twice, and then back to the chest pushing. I repeat.

The only thing I can focus on is the blood that's on her chin and her nose, from my hands and from her.

It's not working, why is it not working?

I hear loud voices as I'm doing one of the chest compressions, and the door to the flat bursts open behind me, people shouting "Paramedics!"

Jonah tugs my shoulder from behind. "The paramedics are here."

Like I didn't hear them.

They took way too long to get here.

I move out of the way so they can get to Faye.

"Help her! Please, help her." I say to one of them.

"We're doing the best we can, sir."

Jonah pulls my arm so both of us are completely out of the room, saying to me that the paramedics need space.

Standing up has made me dizzy, and I lean on the wall for support. I can see Jonah looking at me but I don't turn to him. I can't take my eyes off of Faye. I want to make sure she's okay.

They're blocking my view of her.

After what only seems like 5 seconds, one of them turns to me, sighs a little. I want him to shut up before he even opens his mouth.

"I'm so sorry, sir, she's lost too much blood. There's nothing we can do. She's - "

Dead.

She's dead.

Faye's dead.

The world right now is not quite there.

I am very far away from everything and everyone.

I can hear people's voices but I can't quite make out what they're saying. The paramedic is still speaking to me, and he's looking at me like I should answer him but I have no idea what he just said.

And even if I could hear him, I can't speak. I'm certain of it. I can't do anything.

I do not want to be alive right now.