First Light

63 gold

I wake with a start, overly conscious that there is not a warm body holding me anymore. The light in the room is still dark, not pitch-black like it was when we fell asleep, but I can tell that the sun will be up soon. I have only slept for a couple hours at most. That's when I sit bolt-upright, aware that the reason a warm body is no longer holding me is because Marlo isn't even here. He's not in the bed at all.

The light switch is on in a second, and I am checking everywhere in a panic. I feel incredibly stupid checking both in his wardrobe and under the bed as if I'm expecting that Marlo is lurking there like a monster, ready to scare me. But I am already scared. He isn't in the bathroom or the kitchen, and my hands are shaking when I grab my phone off his desk and call him.

I wouldn't normally be like this, be this panicked over him not being in the flat, but how he was is making me scared. I don't think he is a safety to himself at all if him feeling numb is anything like how I feel when I switch off.

The phone rings but eventually goes straight to his voicemail. I try another two times but nothing changes. An incredibly misspelled text message that I have to end up asking Siri to send for me turns into another 5. They all send through, the grey "delivered" font showing up underneath them. This must mean he is either in a place with wifi or has his data turned on. I stare at my phone for another 2 minutes in the hopes that he replies, or just even reads the messages, but he doesn't either way.

I then think to check his location, hating myself yet again for being so stupid. I do not function well under pressure. That's when I frown at my phone, confusion adding to the panic. He isn't far from the accommodation, but where he is isn't showing a specific name.

I push my feet into my shoes, taking one of Marlo's hoodies with me in case it's cold. Which it is, the early spring air crisp and sharp against my skin. It has me shoving my free hand into the hoodie pocket. I walk very quickly, passing a couple of cars and early morning joggers and dog-walkers, looking down at my phone every so often to make sure Marlo hasn't moved from where he is. He doesn't, not in the slightest, and with a dreading feeling that almost makes me dry-heave, I'm starting to wonder if that's a bad thing.

It takes me less than 5 minutes to reach the general area of where he is: the woods. I question the reasons why he must've decided to come here as I rush into them. Low hanging branches snag my hair as I walk further and further, anxiously looking from his location to where I am. I have tried again and again to call him, but to no avail. Either he won't or he can't pick up. I am wishing that it's the former so at least I can be somewhat annoyed at him.

I have given up trying to carefully make my way around blooming flowers without stepping on them, but I tell myself that it's an emergency and that I shouldn't care about killing plants if this is the only way to reach Marlo.

And then I do reach him. I almost miss him, what with how close together the trees are in this area and how overgrown the flowers and plants are. Adrenaline lets me run over to him faster than I could've ever thought possible, because he is lying down. Why is he lying down?

My knees slam into the ground beside him so I can get a better look at his state, but I don't even feel the pain. I am immune to it, right now. He has gone out without any hoodie or jacket whatsoever. There are goosebumps along his neck and his arms. I take the one I'm wearing off, drape it over him like a blanket.

His eyes are closed, his face angled slightly away from me in a way that makes his neck look odd. My hand immediately darts out and presses two fingers to where his pulse would be, making myself completely still and silent so I am able to pick up on it. It is faint, very faint. His skin is far too cold.

"Marlo?" I almost-shout, feeling stupid once more that I haven't even used my voice up until this point.

There is no response from him so I shake him, hard, very hard. "Marlo! Marlo, wake up! Please, please!"

I am startled when his face turns to me, his dark eyes opening wide in fright. But oh, he is awake.

I am crying uncontrollably, emitting weak, helpless sounds that only happen when I properly sob. It sounds disgusting to my ears, pathetic. I want it to stop, so I clamp one hand over my mouth. My tears are so hot they feel as though they are searing my skin, my whole body shuddering from what I know is not possibly just because of the cold.

He is confused, beginning to sit up, the hoodie I placed on him falling off. My hand lashes out to push him, to push his chest, because I am suddenly angry at his confusion.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I try to say, but it comes out a blubbering mess. This only adds more anger, to myself.

He is just watching me make an absolute mess of myself.

I force my words out, conscious that I may as well be spitting on him. "Why are you here? Why did you leave? I didn't know where you went, I was so worried -"

Marlo's arms are around me in an instant, strong arms that pull me onto his lap and push my head into the space between his collarbones and his neck. His hand is over my ear, the other pressed into him, so his voice is muffled when he replies.

"I'm sorry, Faye, I'm sorry."

Is that it?

I wait until I feel capable enough to speak to answer him, wiping my nose with my sleeve. There are still tears falling from my eyes.

"What are you doing here? In the woods?"

"I... I don't know." He responds.

"You're going to have to give me more than that, Marlo."

"I know, I'm sorry," He presses a kiss to the top of my hair. "I honestly don't remember even walking here, I promise. No memory of it at all. I might've been sleep-walking or something, I don't know."

"You sleep-walk?" I ask.

"Not to my knowledge. It's either that or I was so caught up in my head that I wasn't conscious about what I was doing."

This seems like a plausible explanation. I feel some of the anger at him turn into guilt.

"Why didn't you pick up when I tried to call you?" I ask.

"My phone is on silent, must've been. I promise I wasn't intentionally ignoring you, you know I'd never do that."

More guilt sinks in my stomach like stones.

"You worried me. A lot. I didn't know if you were okay. What if I hadn't had your location? I wouldn't have known where you were."

I'm back to blubbering now, more tears, but his hand is there to stroke my hair soothingly. He apologises over and over, kissing my forehead over and over. He leans back a little to get me to look at him, both his hands moving to my face to wipe the tears there, and then he kisses them. My tear-stained cheeks. It can't be a nice feeling at all, what with them still being wet.

"I'm sorry. I can't imagine what you must've been feeling, trying to look for me. Please forgive me."

"Marlo, of course I forgive you. It's not your fault that you weren't aware of what you were doing. I was just really worried that you wouldn't be okay when I found you. If I found you." It's my turn to kiss him, three down his cheek.

I tell him I love him, and he does the same, and I hold onto him for just a little longer. The sun has almost risen now, making the shadows length, its light just beginning to burnish the trees with gold. And him with gold. Marlo. My beautiful boy.