First Light

21 heavy

Monday 1st of November 2021

Marlo:

Some days I will not get out of bed.

I can't. I am too heavy.

My bones feel like they're made out of concrete and my mind is fuzzy and I don't want to eat or be awake, let alone speak to another person. I don't want to do anything that requires more than minimal effort.

I just want to be left alone, in my room. Away from the rest of the world.

That way, I can pretend that I'm not real and that nothing's real and nothing matters or will ever matter and it's okay that I'm struggling and have no motivation to do anything and that even if I did have motivation I don't think I'd want to do anything because I'm not real and nothing's real and nothing matters or will ever matter.

Today is one of those days.

I tend to try and sleep, because other than going to the toilet and binge-watching shows and movies, there's nothing that my body wants to do.

Well, nothing that my mind wants to do. My mind has convinced my body that every physical task is too exhausting, no matter how menial. Something as simple as brushing my teeth, or showering. Which sounds disgusting, I know. I always feel disgusting when I'm back to being me.

I like sleeping, though. Sleeping is like being dead, but it doesn't hurt your friends or family.

As for food, I have a complete loss of appetite when I'm feeling like this. I usually keep snacks just in case I do get hungry, so that I don't have to get up and cook. I can't even order food because it makes me feel so tired to think about having to get up and go down to collect it.

Even if I have no appetite, I will force myself because it isn't a very good idea to not eat anything for the entire day. I've had times before when I've woken up with a horrible pain in my stomach, and then I won't be able to get back to sleep because that's the only thing I'm thinking about.

I'm just glad that I don't have any lectures today. I have missed classes before on days like this.

Missing classes means that future-me has to catch up, and I end up hating myself for it because it's not fucking difficult to get out of bed, you're just being lazy.

But it is difficult.

I don't know how I manage to get away with it, but Jonah tends to leave me alone when I'm having days like this.

I think he assumes that I'm sleeping, which I usually am. He doesn't try to wake me up on these kind of days.

If he doesn't think I'm sleeping, he probably assumes that I'm busy with assignments. I know he'd never try and pull me away from that.

I do find it kind of strange, though, that most of the time on these type of days, I won't be bothered by anyone. Guess I'm just lucky.

There have been times, occasionally, when Jonah will text or call to ask me where I am, and I'll tell him that I'm in my room and that I don't have any energy to be around anyone. He never gets offended, though. He'll then ask me if I'm okay, and I'll say that I'm just thinking about my mum, because I don't want him to think that it's even more than that. This is the only way to stop him from asking more.

I feel terrible, though, using my mum as an excuse. It's not her being gone that is making me feel like this. It's more about me, how trapped and tired I feel in my mind, than anything else that makes me upset.

It's not that I don't trust Jonah with this kind of thing, it's just that I don't think he'd actually understand, because he's not like me. I know he would try to understand, though. But it's just not the same.

I'm not even sure if I could explain to anyone how my mind works.

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Tuesday 2nd of November

It's 01.24am when my phone buzzes, the light from the screen disrupting the darkness in my room. It makes me wince, because apparently I hadn't pushed the phone far enough underneath my pillow after I last went to check the time just five minutes ago.

The day always goes by so painstakingly slowly when I'm feeling like this. I have a 10am lecture tomorrow. Well, technically today.

My phone buzzes again, and all I can think is that I don't want to talk to anyone right now.

I check it though, and it's Faye. She hasn't texted me twice, it was just the 2 minute notification.

You awake?

I think about just turning my phone off, pretending that I didn't see the message, but I can't do that. Not to her.

Hey yeah I am
Is everything okay?

Her reply comes through in the next 10 seconds. Yes everything's fine I just wanted to ask if u wanna go outside?

I stare at the message for what feels like ages. I can't see anyone though, not right now.

I'm so sorry, Faye.

I type out a reply so she doesn't think I'm ignoring her. I'd prefer being by myself rn. If that's alright

She texts back almost instantly.

Yh that's okay! Dw :)

My phone buzzes again three times.
I haven't gone to sleep yet - don't have lectures today
I'm just gna go out to smoke instead
I don't want to go to our place without you

Our place.

We've been there only a couple times together, since the first time we went.

I like that she's called it our place.

Alright be safe I begin to type

Then I add three smiley faces so she doesn't ask me if I'm okay.