First Light

34 numbness

Wednesday 12th of January 2022 (the following week)

Marlo:

I sometimes feel nothing.

No emotion. Just numbness.

Days like this I try minimise human contact because I hate having to pretend like everything's okay, because it is pretending. I have to remember how Marlo would talk, how Marlo would act.

And it requires so much effort. One slip, and someone can notice.

"You okay?"

Big smile. "Yeah, of course. Why?"

"You look upset or something."

"Oh, no, I'm alright. Just tired."

Tired. I've lost count of how many times I've used that word.

I am tired, but not only in the way that people assume I am when I use that excuse. I don't mean just tired physically, I mean tired of living. Having to wake up every day and exist.

It doesn't even have to be on days when I'm actually busy. I sometimes feel like this as soon as I wake up.

You never really realise how difficult it is to look happy and okay until you're pretending. At least, that's what my experience is.

As a society, it should be normalised to not look 100% yourself all the time, without people making a huge deal about it. Because you don't even need to be mentally ill or have any sort of problems for something to affect your mood. Sometimes people just don't want to have to socialise with others in a way that forces them to look put-together.

If I was myself 100% all the time around people, I know I wouldn't have half the friends that I have right now. Some people don't like when people aren't happy. They don't want to have to deal with any other emotion, let alone other people's problems.

I think a lot of people find it uncomfortable when someone shows actual emotion, especially if that person has a mental illness. I think because the solution is more difficult and requires more effort than a simple "don't worry, you'll be okay" that can be said to lesser problems.

Not that I'm trying to belittle anyone who doesn't have a mental illness. I think any kind of problem someone can experience is significant, but I definitely think a lot of people have some sort of weird approach to mental illnesses, that tends to alienate those who experience them. When it really should be normalised, considering how many people have mental illnesses.

I don't know, that's just my opinion.

Is it better to feel numb, or to have to experience these Bad emotions all the time? There's pros and cons for each, I guess. I just know that I don't want to experience either.