First Light

70 thoughts

I don't keep track of what day it is. What time. It doesn't matter anyway, not with her gone.

I am never alone, I have someone constantly with me. It's mostly Jonah. I know he's worried about me. I think he thinks I'm going to kill myself. Truth is, I want to. I have never wanted to as much as I do at this point in time. If heaven is real, then I can see her again, yes? If it doesn't exist, then at least I would have stopped the pain, the thing that burns inside of me so hot it is unbearable.

I do not want to do anything the whole day. Jonah tries to get me to go outside, but I can't think of anything more horrible. I would like to lie here alone with my thoughts, because they are filled with her. All of them. I feel like if I stop thinking about her she will just disappear entirely, as though I never even met her. Like I will instantly forget her and that she ever existed.

Even though all my thoughts are of her lying there on the floor like that. How drunk she was that she was very nearly passing out, and the blood on the carpet that they had to clean out. I wonder if they were able to, or if it was too much.

I wonder if she planned it. If she knew that she was going to do it that day. Or if it was spontaneous, if the alcohol impaired her ability to think properly. She didn't leave a note. Her last text to me was that she wasn't coming to the party. I wonder if she attempted straight after she sent the text. During maybe. I wonder if I had gone to check up on her before the party, if I would've been able to stop her. I wonder if I had checked my phone earlier, instead of leaving her for 12 whole minutes, the paramedics would've been able to save her.

I don't share these thoughts with anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone about her.