First Light

25 this is real

Saturday 20th of November 2021

Faye:

There's times when I don't feel like myself. I am completely on auto-pilot, like there's something inside me that's pretending to be me, but it isn't actually me. It still looks like me and talks like me and acts like me, but it's like an echo of the real me. Real me is somewhere far away.

It's like I'm watching everything from inside my head, behind a window or glass panel. I'm not seeing things with my eyes like I normally do.

It really depends how long I am on auto-pilot for. It can be as little as hours, or as long as days.

When this happens, I try to do things that I enjoy, to try and bring the real me back. Like reading or painting or drawing. It doesn't always work.

Sometimes, I'll wake up and I'll be back, and it's like I've never left. Sometimes, fake-me will appear out of nowhere, even if real-me has been completely fine and okay. Sometimes, I like when fake-me takes control, because it's very draining to be completely conscious all the time.

If I think about it for too long, even breathing seems like it takes up too much energy.

It feels like nothing is real when I dissociate. The world is blurred slightly around the edges, not quite in focus. I have to remind myself that even though I don't feel like me, I am technically still me, so I can't be doing anything stupid and thinking there won't be any consequences. Even though it feels like I'm dreaming.

This is real, this is real, this is real.

Repeating over and over in my head so I can try and put all attention on my surroundings if I'm not by myself in a safe place. So I remember not to step out into traffic, so I remember to ignore any creepy men, so I remember that this is real life and I am still very capable of getting hurt or being in danger.

This is real, this is real, this is real.

Over and over in my head until I'm by myself and in a safe place again, like my room. Although sometimes, I am not safe when I'm by myself. There are still times when I have to repeat that phrase, just so I remember that I'm not invincible and I am still very, very mortal.

It's not very ideal when I'm like this around other people, because having to keep reminding myself that this is real kind of takes up a lot of my attention. No-one can tell, though. I don't think it is easy to notice, because this has been happening for years now. Fake-me is a very good imitator.

I tried to explain what it's like to Gia, but I never tell her that I'm dissociating unless it's been happening for days. She has never realised, and that's how I know that no one else can, because she's the person who knows me best. Maybe it's not easy for her to realise because she doesn't really understand what it's like.

I don't want to be me anymore.