First Light

73 the fox

Monday 27th of June 2022 (the following week)

The only thing I have that solely belonged to her, not the presents she gave me, is one of her jumpers. It is a knitted one, in a bright blue.

Her parents gave some of her stuff to Georgina, who had asked me if I wanted any of them to keep, as she is moving back to her house today. She gave me some privacy to sort through them, telling me I could take as much as I wanted. I wonder if Georgina is overwhelmed by all of it, if me taking some will lighten the load a little. I hope it does, but if I listen to the selfish little voice inside of me, I want to take all of it, and it will be as though she never left.

All her clothes smell like her, like spring. It is an awful crushing feeling, to wake up to the smell of her and her not be there beside me. I'm afraid if I don't have her stuff that I will forget how she smells, and then I will have lost a part of her.

I don't know where her perfume is, whether it's with her parents or with Georgina, but I don't want to ask either of them because this seems incredibly disrespectful. I wonder if it would be too unhealthy of me to order a new one online.

I tell myself I can decide, when her clothes no longer hold any perfume.

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Wednesday 29th of June 2022

The appointment takes a while to book, but I manage to get one eventually. The man at the till is a huge red-head with muscly arms and a moustache that curls up at both sides. He looks intimidating as fuck, but he smiles when I walk in. I force a smile back.

I am dreading having to speak, but there's no way I can get through this appointment by being silent.

"Are you Marlo by any chance?" The artist asks in a deep Scottish accent, and I nod. "My name's Duncan, I'll be your artist today."*

I nod as a response again.

"Give me a wee sec, I'll get up the picture you sent. You're welcome to come and sit down."

So I do, thanking him, walking over to one of the armchairs they have to the side. He prints off different sizes to show me so I can pick what one I prefer.

"This isn't your first time, is it?" Duncan asks, pointing at my arm.

"It'll be my fourth." I answer.

"Oh, that's great. You're used to the pain now then, eh?" He chuckles to himself and I force another smile.

"Yeah."

"All right, you can come through now, we can put the stencil on. Tell me if you need anything changing."

When I'm happy with the placement, Duncan points to one of the free chairs. "I'll have you on this here."

Once I'm sat on it, he pulls the lever at the side so I'm lying down.

"Did you have one artist do all these? Or different every time?" He asks as he gets the ink and the needle ready.

"They're all from one, but I don't go back home for a couple of weeks. I wanted to get this done as soon as possible." I tell him.

"Ah, all right." He doesn't attempt to say any more, as I explained the situation to him a little bit by email, just so he wouldn't ask me in person and so I didn't have to talk about it.

When he is finished, he lets me get up, pointing to the floor-length mirror they have to the side so I can check what it looks like. The tattoo is little stars in the pattern of Faye's freckles across her nose and cheeks, except they on my chest, across my heart. This way, it is something that I can never lose or break, some part of her that I will always have with me.

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Thursday 7th of July (the following week)

I want to plant a mini garden for her in my backyard, for her orange alstroemerias. I thought about asking my dad to start it for me, because I know that him and Laila will make sure that they grow, but it feels wrong. So I wait until I am moved back from university to start it, so I can care for them myself, which will be in two days.

I get the seeds from the florist, and one of the workers there tells me how to care for them, and tells me not to be discouraged during winter.

One night, a few days after I am back home with my dad and Laila, I go out to water them. There's a fox in the garden that is sniffing where I planted the flowers, and I stop short, because it is a family of foxes; three cubs.

The parent is spooked slightly by the garden light turning on, in a stance that looks as though it's about to take off any minute. I don't try to move towards it so it knows I'm not a threat, and there's a long pause of a staring-contest between me and it. It seems to be working out the best way it can get its babies out. The cub that was sniffing where the flower seeds are planted tilts it's head at me, curious nose sniffing the air. I stay completely still so as not to scare them even more.

The mother takes off first, not quite in a run, but not in a walk either, and the other two cubs follow her quickly, but the first cub stays, eyes still trained on me. I don't know how to feel about it, because I've never been stared at by a baby fox before. It seems to be very calm despite me being a potential predator. Not that I would do anything to hurt it, of course, but it doesn't know that.

The parent-fox has turned around, realising that one of its babies is missing, and trots back to it, eyes flicking occasionally over to me to check what I'm doing. When it reaches the cub, it prods it with its nose enough that the cub falls a little, making a tiny yelping sound. The cub gets back up to follow its mother, turning around to look at me again right before it leaves.

I have a weird feeling that I can't quite place, something that my mind tells me is familiarity.

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* guys i hope u read the words in the accents i put btw, when i type it i hear it in the accent😭

ANYWAYS FINISHEDDD I HOPE U ENJOYED IT AND IT DIDNT MAKE U TOO DEPRESSED!! 😭😭

btw feedback is more than welcome, i promise i won't be offended at all if u want to tell me what i could do better bc this'll just improve my writing:)

i already have another idea of another book i want to write !! i have picked the character names already (soren and juno) so i will hopefully start on that very soon