Little Things | Hailey Upton (Book One)

019 | Struggling

I was exhausted as I finished my first shift back on truck, my doctor let me she the final check up a day later than it was scheduled for but I couldn't leave Hailey's side. I let out a Yawn as I made my way to my car which Sylvie got sorted for me, well she actually went to mine for me and waited for my mechanic. I had been hiding it but I haven't been sleeping, I made out that I had been sleeping so Hailey didn't worry about me, she didn't need to worry about me.

However I did have to worry about me. I was struggling real hard with everything and in all honesty I am scared what I'll do if I don't get help now, my mental health is that bad right now. I decided I want to go and talk to Doctor Charles, he came to see me when I was in hospital before I was to be discharged and said if I ever needed to talk then I can talk to him.

During my drive to med I had a sinking feeling in my stomach, I saw myself driving into the freezing lake as I drove down the road to med. it felt so real but i knew it wasn't, it couldn't be. I wasn't that bad was I. As I was driving   I tried to focus on the music that was playing 'running up that hill' By Kate Bush the last few days I've been obsessed with it, I get like that sometimes, sometimes I play the song on repeat, more than 3 times in a row, yeah I'm weird like that. I pulled up to Med and parked my car before heading into the ED. As I entered the waiting room I saw Maggie.

"Hey Maggie, is Dr Charles in or free? I don't want to go and knock if he's busy or not in" I said probably not making any sense.

"He's free the last time I heard. Do you want me to page him?" Maggie asked

"If it's not to much bother" I replied.

"Don't be daft, take a seat; I'll tell him your out here" Maggie smiled to me

"Thank you" I said before taking a seat near the doors. My thoughts were jumbled as I had bad thoughts. I knew that after talking to Dr Charles I'll go up to see Hailey, see if she's being discharged yet. Maggie paged Dr Charles while I just sat trying to focus on what was real rather than what was going on in my head, I ended up going into my thoughts, I saw bad things happening and I was causing them, I didn't know what to do about it.

"Paige, Maggie paged me, she said you wanted to see me" Dr Charles said pulling me back to reality.

"Yeah, is their somewhere quiet we could go?" I asked biting my lip as I felt anxious.

"We can go talk in my office if you'd like?"Dr Charles asked and I nodded. All the way to his office I fiddled with my sleeves like I used to do back when I was a teenager and I was anxious.

"So what seems to be the problem?" Dr Charles asked once we both sat down.

"I've been having bad thoughts, I don't know how else to explain it but they are bad, after everything that happened with Thomas it's been bad. At first it wasn't bad, I wasn't exactly sleeping properly before it but since that it's been harder to sleep. I would have nightmares or some nights not even sleep at all. And these bad thoughts well let's just say if I didn't convince myself to come and talk to you today then I would probably have done something stupid" I paused as I tried to think if I should bring up the thoughts I had on the way in.

"One of them bad thoughts were horrible, I saw myself driving off the road, into the freezing lake, I've never thought like that before but it felt so real, I thought about doing it but I then thought about Hailey, I thought about Dad, Elle, Liv. I thought about how the people who I care about and love would react. I don't know what I'd do but it's got to be bad" I said to Dr Charles.

"Well you've done the right thing by coming to talk to me. I'd like to keep you in over night so I can figure out the best way forward and because of what you've said about the thoughts you've been having. I'll have you discharged so you're out for shift. I'd that okay with you?" Dr Charles asked and I nodded. Anything to actually start feeling myself again.