White Privilege

🔵 Chapter 18: I Won't Hurt You

Callum's Pov

White privilege. I had heard the term before. Not so much growing up but, once I entered college it was something I heard often. So much so that I took the time to research it because I wanted to understand. I felt that it was up to me to teach myself something that seemed so important in the world.

I wasn't racist. Not in the slightest.

My parents weren't even racist, which is one of their redeeming qualities. As shitty as they were to each other, I can honestly say they never treated anyone else any differently. Whether it be people of different skin color, social class, or sexuality, they gave them the same respect they wanted in return. It was true when they said that hate was taught. No one was born with it in their hearts, it was something they picked up from their surroundings.

Luckily, I knew better than to surround myself with people who had that sort of hatred. In college, I was able to truly see diversity and then after that, the news was constantly broadcasting the racial injustices of this world. I still remember the Back Lives Matter movement. I had been out there, fighting alongside them for a change.

Standing in those crowds of people you could feel it. Their anger, pain, and desperation. They were tired. They were hurt and all they wanted was to feel like they were being listened to. To feel like their lives held the same significance as the white man standing across from the shooting tear gas. I would never genuinely understand their pain but, that didn't mean I couldn't be a part of the solution.

Or was that the white guilt talking?

Baz's words replayed in my head like a record. Pain pulsed through my chest every time I remember the look on his face and the tears he shed in anger. Though his words hurt at the moment. I knew that they had nothing to do with me but, that didn't stop me from wanting to comfort him. Since I knew that nothing I would say would mean anything to him, I just hugged Baz. Sometimes words weren't enough and besides, I knew there were plenty of times when all I wanted was a hug. One that would let me know that I wasn't alone.

"You know that's creepy as hell, staring at someone as they sleep" Baz grumbled under his breath.

"Sorry," I whispered.

It was early in the morning and I had been up for about half an hour already just thinking about last night. After everything, Baz didn't speak and was pretty much out of it so, I took it upon myself to stay. To leave him alone at that moment didn't feel right. Even though we weren't that close, I still cared for him. After showering, we crawled into his bed and I held on to him until he drifted off to sleep.

"You don't have to apologize. I should be the one saying sorry for snapping at you like that. You didn't deserve it. I was just pissed" he sighed sitting up so his back rested against the headboard.

"You're fine. I know you didn't mean it the way it came out. Are you okay?" I questioned placing my hand on his thigh in a comforting manner.

"I'm good. Just the same bullshit, different day" Baz muttered his eyes drifting off.

I could tell he was about to get lost in his head again and I didn't want him to go through that again, at least not solo. Getting up, I moved my body so, I was straddling his legs. With my hands, I cupped his face and gently rubbed the sides of his cheeks with my thumbs as a way to ease the look on his face.

"Please let me in. I promise I won't hurt you. Just let me get to know you" I whispered gazing into his eyes. He was guarded and it was something you could easily see but, I wanted to get through. I wanted to understand him. I was willing to drop all my walls for him as long as he just let me see who he truly was.

"I used to have an older brother, his name was Quan. He wasn't just a brother to me though. Quan was my best friend and role model. I wanted to be just like him. I mean everyone liked him and knew that he was gonna be somebody. He was gonna get a scholarship and play in the NBA one day, or at least he was supposed to" he explained.

"What happened?" I questioned because he was using the past tense. That could only mean that his brother was no longer of this world.

"Wrong place and wrong time. We were heading home and ended up getting caught in a drive-by. It all happened pretty quickly but, I still remember the feeling of Quan tackling me to the ground. The sound of bullets. Neighbors screaming and crying. I remember pushing my brother's body off me and crying as he just lay there on the grass" Baz spoke and it was like he drifted back to that day as his eye glazed over.

"My goodness," I cursed. My chest ached even more as I thought about him as a little boy experiencing all this.

"Eight bullets. He took eight bullets for me while I only took one" he hissed pointing to the scar that resided on his shoulder blade.

"He protected you" I breathed getting up and sitting beside him.

To think, the worse thing I had ever experienced was a car accident. I never had to see someone I love die in front of me. I never had to live with that kind of survivor's guilt.

"After Quan passed, my mother was never the same. It was a lot for her. When I turned 21 she had a psychotic break. I tried to take care of her to the best of my capability but, once the doctor discover she was only getting worse he recommended putting her in a home. I visit her often and sometimes she remembers what happens but, most of the time she is unaware. Part of me wishes she would just forget altogether so, she didn't have to go through the pain but, then a selfish part of me doesn't want her to. Cause I don't wanna miss him by myself" he admitted glancing over at me.

The look was so raw. I had asked him to let me in and he did. He bared his soul to me and now I felt closer to him than ever. But there was a piece of me talking. It wasn't screaming but, rather just loud enough to gain my attention. This part of me was saying I made a mistake. That all I was gonna do was hurt Baz in the end and after hearing his story that was the last thing I wanted. It was saying this was too real, and that I never did well with real, which wasn't exactly a lie.

I never stayed in long-term relationships other than my friendship with Anthony. Mostly I was a fuck them and leave the next morning. My parents never really installed healthy relationships in my head but, I can't blame it on them. It was something in me that just always wanted to run.

"Am I too fucked up for you?" Baz asked pulling me from my thoughts. Looking into his eyes I could see his guard going back up due to my lack of response. That part of me was still saying to run but, the bigger part was saying stay cause this man needed me.

"No" I responded and he looked like he didn't believe me so, I leaned in and kissed him.

"Your perfect to me" I whispered and he just smiled a little and I swear my heart fluttered at the sight.

Maybe I needed him as well.

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