White Privilege

🔵 Chapter 22: Crushing Weight

Baz's Pov

"So when are you going to introduce me?" my mom hummed as she sorted through the many puzzle pieces spread out on the table.

"Introduce you to who?" I questioned glancing up from the piece I was working on. She just looked at me with a knowing smile.

"Sebastian, I raised you. I know when you are hiding something. Besides, I can see the glow. It isn't strong yet, but noticeable" she breathed.

"It is still new" I explained handing her a piece.

"Okay but, promise me you will introduce them. I would like to meet them before I fade away for good" she sighed.

"Please don't say that" I groaned stopping with the puzzle.

"It's true. The times where I remember are becoming fewer and fewer. We can't pretend like this isn't happening" my mom clarified taking my hands into hers.

"I know" I responded.

"So you have to introduce them soon okay? Even if they don't last...even if they aren't the one. I just wanna meet the person who makes you smile so, I know you are capable of doing it without me around. Okay?" she told me.

"Yes ma'am," I said offering her a small smile.

"Don't forget about church tomorrow. We went on a shopping trip and I got myself a new hat" she spoke excitedly changing the subject.

"Do we ever miss a Sunday?" I questioned laughing.

"No. You should bring your friend. The Lord welcomes all into his house" my mom hummed.

"Alright, if I agree to ask will you let go of this topic for now" I muttered and she just nodded.

We stayed together and managed to finish half the puzzle until I had to take her for dinner. As we sat and talked, I pondered about what she had said earlier about her memory. She was right, the times where she seemed lucid were becoming less and less. It was daunting to think about but, a reality nonetheless.

"My baby. You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. I'm sorry. I wish I could have done better for you and your brother" she whispered as I helped her into bed.

"You did your best" I commented.

"No, I didn't" she argued.

"Ma, Quan getting shot wasn't your fault" I sighed.

"It isn't yours either Sebastian" my mom stated.

"Okay. I'll be here tomorrow morning to pick you up for church. Goodnight ma" I hummed kissing her on the forehead before leaving the room.

Thinking about what my mom said reminded me of how I was when we first lost my brother. It wasn't unusual for me to blame myself. I mean my brother used himself as a shield to protect me. Who wouldn't feel guilty? That's why I'm thankful to my mom for getting me help instead of allowing me to struggle.

Mental health wasn't a favorable topic among the black community. It was believed that the 'struggle' is what made you strong and in my case, a man. When in actuality all it did was cause us to become comfortable with pain and pass it off to the next generation. Now I didn't mind struggling but, I rather it be against something I can't change, not myself.

"You look deep in thought" Callum spoke after he opened the door to his place.

"Just thinking about my family. How was your day?" I breathed stepping inside. I took off my shoes and jacket and placed them in the small closet he had by the door.

Callum's place was nice and very low-key compared to what I was expecting. Considering the wealth he came from, you wouldn't be able to tell. Now it wasn't no projects but, definitely not a penthouse as well.

"I spent most of the day trying to clean a virus from some of my co-worker's computers. Watching porn at work isn't as taboo as I thought" he sighed walking to his kitchen.

"Nasty motherfuckers" I muttered taking a seat at the counter.

"You hungry?" Callum questioned.

"No thank you. I just had dinner with my mom" I responded.

"How is she?" he asked.

"Good. Today was one of her better days. I've been so busy, I just wanted to make sure I spent some time with her. Even if most days she is out of it or disoriented" I explained.

"From what I noticed, you go above and beyond for her. She is lucky to have you" he hummed leaning forward across the counter to touch my hands.

"It's the least I could do. I don't want her to think I just left her there" I whispered.

"I'm sure she doesn't think that" Callum spoke softly standing straight up and walking til he was in front of me.

"There are moments when it's all too much, you know. The grief and the pressure. There are days.....there are days I wish Quan and I would have switched places. That he would be here and I would be 6 feet under" I confessed.

"Why?" he questioned and I could tell by the change of his tone that what I said had affected him.

"Hey, I'm gonna head out" I sighed.

"Baz-" he started but, I cut him off. The last thing I wanted was to lose my shit again in front of him, again. So, I got up and started for the door but, he quickly moved to block it.

"I want you to stay" he sighed.

"Callum move" I breathed.

"No, if we are gonna do this we have to do it right. I won't have a relationship like my parents. I don't want you to feel like you have to hide your pain from me. Don't just crack open the door, let me in. I promise, I can carry you like you can carry me" he explained.

"Nice speech" I snickered.

"Did it work?" Callum asked smiling. The word adorable had never come to my mind as a way to describe someone outside of a child until I met Callum. Him standing in front of me with hope in my eyes, hoping that I would not just stay here but, that I would stay with him.

"Yeah. Yeah, it worked" I responded.

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