𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎... // 𝙵𝚎𝚛𝚛𝚊𝚗 𝚃𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚎𝚜

20

~ Author's Note ~

Look at that man; he's so fine.

Warning: Mention of porn

BONUS CHAPTER

Okay guys, so this bonus chapter (at least the first part; matters how many words this is going to take up) is completely unrelated to this story.

But trust me. It applies to football fans. Greatly.

Because guess what?

I'm going to really upset you, if you're a fan of football. No matter who you are. I will upset you. I'm going to give you a huge paragraph, and I bet you that by the end of reading, there will be SOMETHING that annoyed you/made you mad/you disagree with.

If there isn't, then I've failed.

Don't ask me why I'm doing this, because I'll just tell you I'm doing it for fun.

So here I go...

"Oh, you like soccer? Yeah, I've got a couple pairs of cool cleats. What is your favorite league? Premier League is for losers, La Liga is over-dramatic, and nobody freaking pays attention to Bundesliga, except for Jude Bellingham. People only like Dortmund because of him, too, but he's literally not that handsome at all. MLS is for posers, and nobody cares about it. Ligue 1 is only interesting because of Paris Saint Germain, the Messi lore, and the teenage girls being in love with the Mbappe-Neymar dynamic. Every other league doesn't even matter enough to note. Dude, let's talk Premier League. Man City. Erling Haaland literally looks like a duck with his hair tied back, and with his hair down, he just looks like a duck with hair. Phil Foden looks like Average Young Handsome Male Citizen Of London, England, and Jack Grealish should wash his hair. I bet he was dropped on the head as a baby, too. Have you seen that forehead of his? Let's talk Chelsea, then, huh? Joao Felix, everyone's favorite, for no reason whatsoever! He's super average and in some photos could totally be considered 'unattractive', yet somehow literally every female that is into football under the age of 20 is in love with him??? It must be in the water...? Christian Pulisic looks like every average American white guy, and British girls are in love with his 'American-ness'?? Or something?? That's just my guess, because why else is everyone obsessed with him. He just looks like Mason Mount but without the overwhelmingly British accent and the weird huge nose that's bigger than his brain. Like, think about it? Pulisic probably says 'soccer'. Along with all of Premier League, Arsenal is overrated, and Arsenal, Manchester United, and Liverpool are basically all the same average British teams with no real quirkiness except for their fans, the colour red, and British. Southampton is the only good team in Premier League, because they have heart. La Liga is all for the marketing, with their pretty rainbow logo. Barcelona is overrated. Literally meet anyone in Spain, chance is that they're a Barcelona fan, or they know a Barcelona fan. Their stars are a bunch of teenagers and 20-year-olds that have been professionals for less than 5 years and guys in their thirties who are rumored to be way better than they actually are. People like Gavi because 'Wow, look, it's a generic handsome Spanish guy!!!' when he can't stop raging on the pitch, has more yellow cards than trophies, and spends more than 45 of the 90 minutes in a game sitting/laying on the pitch, pouting to the ref about a yellow card when he was literally the one who tripped over his own shoelaces. Lewandowski is like their mascot who they stick on the cover of everything because he's the top-goalscorer. Like, I'm glad he makes goals, but when was the last time you saw him do anything else on the pitch besides score? That's all he can do!! WOW, SUPER IMPRESSIVE, right?!?!?!? And there's more new articles about Pedri's freaking soft muscle hamstring injury than his actual skill on the pitch. Like here Barcelona goes, selling have of their players now to get Messi, because wouldn't that be so nice and sweet to remember him and have him back as we send half of our team off to suffer in the hell that some might call 'Premier League'. Maybe Barcelona should be using their money to, like, I don't know, get some better medical staff???And Real Madrid? Their manager is some old man who thinks he's all fly and stuff. Their star, Karim Benzema, looks like, if his beard was a little bit more scruffy and if he had long curly hair, a typical pirate in a kids' picture book. Vini Jr. is always walking on one line or another, and fans praise him for every single stupid thing he does. Real Madrid sucks. Don't get me started on Atletico Madrid, too. Their front man is some pathetic Frenchman who always looks close to about to breaking down in tears who looks like a clown with his blazing pink hair, red and white jersey, blue shorts, blue eyes, and bright orange boots. He has teenage boy patchy facial hair and looks extremely small, even compared to those that are shorter and weaker than him. He looks pathetic. Another one of their men is Morata, who might be better at being the most ugly porn star on earth than he is at football. A veteran player, Koke, looks more like your nice uncle you gives you carved zebras from when he casually visited Africa or something instead of a football player. And I could go on about the rest of the teams in La Liga too, but I don't have time, much like how nobody else cares about them either! And then there's the French, A.K.A. P.S.G., because that's all people actually care about. Everyone likes Mbappe despite the weird sus vibes he gives off, and if you tell any 13-year-old female Neymar fan "I love Neymar", you better get ready to be saying your last words. Neymar literally is a 31-year-old man who spends more time doing silly TikTok dances than playing on the pitch, because he's always injured. The amount of pictures of Neymar Jr. crying/screaming/laying on a football field because he's injured on the internet is INSANE. And this guy is the love of your life??? He can't even hold on to any women, for goodness sake. And of course there's the issue of the Messi-Ronaldo debate; Who is better? Well, here I go, ending it right here, right now. Messi is overrated and too rich, and Ronaldo could never be called the best footballer in the world. But that's not even a big or important topic at all, anyway, so who cares about it? But yeah, anyway, I love football, too. Football is great."

:)

I hope you guys love me.

NO.

Okay, disclaimer, I obviously don't mean any of that crap. I just felt like annoying a couple people. Proving that I could say something that controversial about football to football fans that SOMETHING would not sit right with you.

If you agreed with everything I said there, then tell me.

Really, do.

Because then I will think of something that you don't like.

Because I'm really evil.

AnYwaY, don't kill me for that, it's a joke, obviously I don't mean ittttt <33

Man, that was a fun bonus chapter lolll

Thx for reading so far guys, and pls don't hate me <3

Byeeee