𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎... // 𝙵𝚎𝚛𝚛𝚊𝚗 𝚃𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚎𝚜

21

AWFUL

Jadrien's Perspective

I cried the morning after the night I kissed Ferran Torres, and did all that other crap, because I knew that we would never get together after that. I literally sobbed to myself, when finally Eric must have heard me, because he knocked on my bedroom door, asking, "Jade, are you okay?"

"Shouldn't you be at training?" I snapped.

"No...? It's nearly Christmas; there is no training until after Christmas." I watched as he walked in my room, saying, "What's wrong?"

To make that morning even worse for me, after I poured my heart out to Eric about what had happened, he showed no sympathy for me, saying that I had multiple chances to avoid it, and that I should feel guilty. In fact, he got mad at me for feeling more sorry for myself than for Ferran, saying I was so selfish, and all I cared about was getting my way, and I should've given up on the idea of being with Ferran Torres years ago. He said he was sure Ferran felt horribly uncomfortable at the whole situation, and showed more care about his friend in this situation than for his sister.

I'm sure he was right in his anger and what he said, but that morning, it sure didn't feel like that. I felt awful, because I was sure that was the end of any hope of having a chance with Ferran.

When I called Isabella, she said I did it all wrong, and it's too late now, and I lost my last chance to seduce and charm him, and I should feel so bad, which really was super nice, too. I felt like complete and utter trash that morning of December 23, 2021.

Christmas was 'nice'. As a family, we celebrated Christmas at our parents house, with our younger sister, Alicia. Alicia, even though both me and Eric would love her to, has never wanted to live with us. She's always been very independent, wanting to do things her own way and achieve by herself, which I think is good, and I honestly really understand. In many ways, I feel bad for her. She has two older siblings- one is a famous handsome football player, and the other is a famous pretty model. Alicia is very pretty herself, and very determined to be successful, but it's just been hard for her, having two extremely famous, rich, successful siblings. Sometimes I feel bad for her, but she never seems to. She'll just smile and say that it's all the more reason to work hard. She says that she might never be famous like us, but fame isn't what she needs, only a good life that she earned herself. Which I think is a very good way to think. I'm proud of our sister.

I tried to hide my pain through Christmas, and laughed at the dinner, and smiled at the presents, but Alicia, as she always does, caught on. She pulled me aside, asking, "Jade, is something bothering you?"

All I said was, "Just some rough stuff happened with some guy I was into. I am into. Anyway, why don't we go out and serve ourselves some of Mama's famous corn pudding, huh?"

To this, she smiled and nodded, and we went back out. She realised that I didn't want to talk about it. I really appreciate my two siblings. I love them both a whole lot.

Then, just like that, Christmas was over, and things got freaking awful. Ferran was always on my mind, but whenever I started talking about him, people shut me down, saying I had no chance with him, or he'll never like me, or there's no point to continue dwelling on it when it's not gonna happen anyway. I knew I should just move on. I knew I should. I just couldn't bring myself to let go of Ferran Torres. There was something about him that I could just never forget. Never stop loving. But I don't even know what it is, even to this day.

Things were awful. Ferran actively avoided me, understandably so, and everyone knew it. It's like he didn't even try to hide it. Being around me made him nervous, because he sure as hell didn't want to be forced into another kiss with me. And I understand that. Obviously. There's nothing odd with Ferran being like that. It's all my fault, for making a stupid decision and doing stupid things to the poor guy. I understand why he avoided me like the plague. He had the right to.

New Year's Eve was awful. I went with no one, because Isabella was going with singer friends and Eric was going with football friends. Usually I'd just tag along with the football friends and no one would care, because it's a lot more chill like that with Barcelona than it was with Manchester City. But Eric, as kindly as he could, put his hand on my shoulder and told me it was best I didn't come. He said Ferran would be there, and he didn't want there to be any more drunk accidents. That comment made me feel like crap. I ended up spending the night on the phone with Alicia, who also had no party to go to, and I emptied my heart to her. She, unlike Eric, was much more sympathetic, caring, understanding, and encouraging about the whole awful situation, so it ended up being really good to talk to my sister, despite the devastation that that was how I 'celebrated' the new year of 2022.

In those next months before the end of the 2021/22 La Liga season, my life was pretty much awful. The Barcelona boys stayed away from me, and Isabella was on a European tour, and I was being dragged around Spain for different modeling jobs, and I felt so sick and awful through it all, because by then, I was convinced I'd never find love. I still couldn't get over Ferran. I didn't want anyone but Ferran. I was addicted to the idea of him, and I saw nothing else in any other men. Eric said I should talk to a psychologist about that when I explained it to him, saying that sounds disordered. I denied, saying I didn't have the time or energy for that. I think he just wanted me to stop using him as my psychologist, as I often rambled to him about my pain and worries over our dinners together.

I wanted to get over Ferran and get myself a man, but I didn't want to. I couldn't. He wouldn't leave my mind.

Then I accidentally went to the bar after a Barcelona game. This time, at least, Ferran wasn't there to be another mistake for me. I just heard the voices of Eric's friends in Barcelona, and their opinions on everything.