𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎... // 𝙵𝚎𝚛𝚛𝚊𝚗 𝚃𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚎𝚜

29

WORLDS APART

Ferran's Perspective

And I am trying to convince myself to, at all costs, make sure I do not fall in love with her. I have got enough issues right now. I do not need a love life on top of it all. I really don't... No matter how much my heart wants to love her, I can not let my mind allow my heart to take over. I need to keep my head.

It is hard to be around this girl, because sometimes my heart takes over way too often. My emotions push my rational thoughts out. And I fail to keep my head. And I hate that.

I guess I must have just been sitting there all this time, staring off, looking like a brain dead idiot as I thought about all this stuff, instead of answering her question. So she says with an empty sigh that shoots a pain through my chest, "Well... Can I ask this question? C- Can I ask where you always have to hurry off to after training?"

"I see a therapist," I say. "Trust me though- not that often. Once a week."

"And the other days?"

"On Fridays I usually go get lunch. Tuesdays I clean my house. Wednesday... well, nothing. I just go earl-"

"Why? You say you like talking to me? Is that a lie, Ferran?"

"No, no, Jadrien, it is not," I sigh, my head going down. I shake it. If only I could tell her, I would. I just can not. I don't want to spend so much time with her, because if I do, I'll just like her more and more. And if she knows that I like her... I do not want love right now. I just do not want to give her a hope, and then crush it. She can not know.

"Why do you go to therapy?"

I chuckle slightly nervously. "No reason, Jadrien. This is the last month I am doing it anyway. I am fine."

"No, no, no, Ferran, I did not mean it like tha-"

"I never said you meant it like anything!" I interrupt. "Did I?"

She sighs slowly, before saying, "No..." Then our drinks come, and as we speak, I sip it. "Ferran, I just want to know how you feel about me."

"I like you. You are a very sweet person. You make very good company," I say. And I am being honest.

"Then why do you not act like it? Why do you avoid me? Why, Ferran?"

"Because..." I sigh, resting my forehead on my hand. "Jadrien, I can not tell you. I am sorry... I am... Listen, I know you are so confused," I say, looking up to her. "But I wish you would just... I just you would just give up on me already."

"Do you think I have not tried, Ferran? If you couldn't guess, you're not the first person to tell me that!" she snaps.

"I'm the worst person for you to become obsessed with, you know! It was better when it was Phil! Do you want to know why? Because deep down inside, even though you loved him, you knew you had no chance. You knew he had a girl already. You didn't have hope! It's like with me, you do. You do have hope that I love you! But I... I..." I can't tell her I don't. Because that might actually be a lie. "Jadrien, I'm not looking for love."

And then she poses a question that honestly, I don't have a good answer for. "Why aren't you?"

I exhale slowly, before saying, "It's not what I need. I'm focusing on my career. I have friends. I don't need something else. I don't need someone else to be accountable for. I don't need something else to worry about. I can't be perfect at everything, Jadrien. So right now I'm working towards being a perfect football player- not a perfect boyfriend."

"So are you saying, Ferran, that if you did love me back, which you don't, anyway, but hypothetically, if you did, would you still say this? Would you still say love isn't what you need, because you're focusing on other things? Or is this an excuse?"

I feel a lump form in my throat, and I sigh again. What if... What if I do like her? Love her? What if that question isn't hypothetical? "It isn't an excuse Jadrien," I say, my voice tight. "If I really did love you, I would still feel the same."

Then the food comes, and of course I have to eat it, because she's paying and she took me out for dinner, but I honestly feel sick. I have no appetite anymore, so shoving this food, no matter how good it is, becomes honestly miserable.

Especially sitting across this girl.

I try to eat quick, and she must, too, because before we know it, we're walking out together. Jadrien stops outside the door and turns to me. And suddenly my self-control leaves me for just a moment, and looking at her, I can't help but hug her. "I'm sorry, Jadrien," I sigh. "I'm so sorry. I really do care about you."

"If you cared about me, you'd at least show it."

"You don't understand..."

"Then help me understand!"

I stand there, for some reason, unable to let go of her. It's like I'm never going to see her again. Just the feeling of my arms around her, my hand on her back. Something about it is so comforting. "I'm sorry, Jadrien," I mutter. "But I don't think I know how to make you understand."

"Ferran, are you okay?" the woman asks softly, leaning back to look me in my eyes. 

I let my arms linger around her for a second, before taking them back, away from her. I look into her bright, light, shining blue eyes and say, "Yeah, I'm okay, Jadrien. I'm always okay..."

"Are you?"

"Yeah, I am. But thanks for asking." I nod to her, and walk off, past her. As I walk past, our hands brush, and all I can think is that the two of us have got to be worlds apart right now.