who am i to you?

my home

TW: Death. Suicide.

***

If you ask me if I ever think of dying just to end my suffering, I would be lying if I said no.

It's that way but when faced with death, I found myself running.

Run, Vasily.

Run.

Run!

I was stumbling with my numb right foot. I was falling to my side, right side but with my unmovable right arm, all I can do is use the wall for support. I'm barely even running. How can I get away?

"Go, David!" Banjo's cheer echoed through the empty hallway.

Sighing the pain away, I moved again. I can see the elevator. Will I be able to run away with that?

A few more steps and I was in front of the elevator. I pressed the button, watching the number go up. I looked back only to see David just a few meters away.

Run.

Run!

I looked for another way to get out of there. The stairs. That was it. At the end of the hall, there are stairs.

Given the head start and David's slow walk, I was at the top of the stairs first. I looked down on it, not moving. I knew David would catch up to me. And he did.

"Hi, Sissy." He grinned, his knife reflecting the light from the bulb on the ceiling.

I had no choice. At that moment, I didn't want to die. I thought, no matter how messy my life is, death is not what I want. I want a better life, I want to kill the suffering inside me. Life may be hard but I still have time ahead of me. I still want that day to come. One day.

One day.

I pushed him away. I knew he'd fall. I saw the stairs. But it wasn't my intention to kill him. I didn't want him to die. I just wished him to stop.

But seeing David's lifeless body, it was not guilt that immediately overcame me.

Relief was first.

I was glad he died.

I looked at the edge of the building I now have memorized because of how many times I stood on the same spot.

Now there's nowhere for me to run.

"Sissy."