who am i to you?

22.2

TW: Homophobia. Bullying. Slurs. Violence. Suicidal Ideation

***

I can sense Saint's impatience as we go on with our practice. Every glance he gives me is telling me wants to hear about what happened between me and Shi earlier. I tried to act as if he's not staring too much and I managed to get home without giving up.

Right as I threw myself on my bed, Saint called my phone.

["What happened?"] His first question right when I answered his call. With a sigh, I rolled on my side, telling him the story.

I traced my index finger on my bed sheet, drawing circles as I waited for his reply after my long speech. It took him a while but I know he's there.

["Do you feel bad about it?"] he finally spoke, asking.

I looked at the window of my room, inhaling and garnering my thoughts.

Do I feel bad about it?

"Maybe. But it could've been worse." I blinked, the sides of my eyes wet. I'm glad he's not here. "I know it's not his real intention. I know him."

["Hmm..."]

His voice reverberated in my head. I feel like I need to say more.

"I—I think I'll just end up getting hurt more if he didn't avoid me." I looked back on my hand playing with my bed sheet. "And I understand that he doesn't know what to do."

The line fell silent, the only thing assuring me that he's there is the static sound of his breath.

["How's school?"] he asked suddenly. ["Tapos na first grading niyo?"]

I smiled bitterly. He knows I don't want to talk about it. And I hate it to be that way.

"Malapit na," I answered. I took my comforter and buried my face with it. I sniffed there, that way, he won't hear my sobs.

["How is it? If it's bad you can transfer back hanggang maaga."] He chuckled almost dryly but I know he's just trying to lift my mood.

I smiled, taking the comforter away from my face. "I wish I could."

["Still haven't talked with your Mom?"]

I stared at the ceiling, thinking about Mom. "She's avoiding me, I think. She's always away."

["What about a call?"]

"Busy."