who am i to you?

19.2

The next day, I was still wary of Saint's reaction. But when he saw me, he pushed my shoulder jokingly.

"Tangina, ikaw ah."

He pushed my shoulder again, teasing me. I laughed at him and did the same back. The hallway is not that crowded so even if we do this, no one's gonna bother thinking it's another thing. It's just two friends goofing around.

"Mahal na mahal mo talaga 'ko," he said.

I laughed, shoving his shoulder. "Sus."

Yeah. Friends.

I've bargained enough to God, and even to myself. I've finally come to face the reality that there's nothing else I can do but give myself false hope. Hope is what keeps my feelings alive but at the same time, believing there is hope is the slow and painful death that is crawling up to me.

It hurts. All the time, it hurts. It was never just happy. It's always happy then it's sad. It was never him and I. In the first place, it's so wrong. The pronoun "him" or "he" shouldn't be used to describe a lover or an admirer of another man. It's weird. It's always been that way.

Even if I try to change it, it's still like that. That's the lesson the people around me have been telling me. David, Brendan, Moises, Tony, Troy, Linda... Mom. They all tell me the same thing.

I'm wrong. Simply because I'm the way I want to be. And the way I want to be is not aligned to who I should be. Even if I try several times, they're there to remind me that what I'm doing is wrong. I should be who I should actually be because if I don't, it just causes misfortune to myself.

Mom had already planned my transfer to another school. But I can't transfer in the middle of the second semester. My school right now doesn't allow it. So I still have a few months left here.

Few months to be with Shi, to be with Drix, to be with Isla, Dani, Kath. I still have a few months left to be with Saint.

God must've miscalculated and given me more time than I should have. Is this Him telling me that it's fine even just until it ends or is this Him testing me? If this is really a test and I pass this, can I go to heaven when I die?

There's so many questions. But I don't have all the time I need and want to answer it. So, to not waste the time given to me, I shall use it accordingly and enjoy it.

When Mom is home and I can't go to practice, Shi would snuck me out. Saint is on his team, making sure I don't get caught. And for all the times we've done it, we were successful. A core memory to remember is whenever we have to run away from my house before Mom finds us.

"Takbo, Vy!" Saint yelled behind me, laughing.

"Shhh! 'Wag mo naman ipaalam sa lahat na tumatakas siya!" Shi shouted at him in a low voice.

Saint made a face, laughing. "Sorry!"