Forever Trapped

Chapter 19

"You came with Phoenix," Cynthia suddenly said when we were left alone at her party.

Mikee excused herself to get a drink but that was already thirty minutes ago. I think nakita ko siyang may kausap na lalake. That girl may have been thirsting for a date these days but she moves faster than the light.

"What are you saying? I don't remember entering the club door with a man on my side- or front or back." Patay malisyang sagot ko.

We weren't planning to but Phoenix said he won't drink tonight so he can drive me home. Oh, I have every intention to drink tonight. For the sake of convenience ay pumayag na lang ako. Hindi kami sabay pumasok for all our sake. But the certainty in Cynthia's tone is making me worry. Does she know something?

"Oh, you didn't. But I saw you come out of his car." She was giving me this chilling smile. Na para bang sinasabi niya na huli na ako.

I drank the glass full of beer. My face scrunched because of the taste. Shit, I wanted a drink but I don't like the taste of this. Bakit ba kasi ito ang kinuha ko?

"Are you together?" She asked. I didn't answer. Nagbabakasakaling may sumingit sa usapan or whatever type of interruption that could save me from this conversation. "Or you're still firm with your no dating rule?"

"We're just having fun," I answered shortly.

"I knew you were happy but I didn't know Fin's one of the reasons. Wow. That one really did try to work his charms huh."

"I don't need him to be happy." Marami namang rason kung bakit ako masaya. I'm getting better at my work which means I'm getting closer and closer to my dreams.

He's just a bonus I don't need. He's just there to scratch an itch. I don't want Cynthia to get any foolish idea or assumption, same with Phoenix. I couldn't make myself any more clearer than this pero hindi ako mapapagod ulit-ulitin na walang kami at walang magiging kami. Heaven forbids.

"You don't but he's here and admit it or not, he's making you happy... I hope."

I don't want to talk about this. Maybe I should reconsider na lang. Phoenix is too much maybe. I've had my fun but I'm not scared to end our game anytime.

"Don't end things with him, Zahara." Parang nababasa niya pa ang utak ko. Maybe Cynthia really knows how I think. Then she should also know I don't change my mind.

"Kailan ka pa naging guru?" I tried to make light of the conversation because she was already throwing me this serious look. I don't need this talk. Not from Phoenix, not even from Cynthia.

"Ngayon lang." she awkwardly laughed but returned also to her serious gaze. Shit. I hate it when she does this. "Zahara, if this is still about-"

"Nothing can change my mind, Cynthia. You, more than anyone should know that."

"But it's already what? 2015? Zahara naman... There are ways. Every year, science answers a question, and finds a cure. But even so, so what if you can't have a kid?"

I sighed. I really, really don't like talking about this. I've already made peace with my condition. I already planned how I'll live my life. I've briefed myself on what and what will never happen. Ayaw kong magulo.

"You can still love or date. I'm fine with your option. This I can promise you. But I don't want you stopping yourself from being happy, okay? We're here. Phoenix is here, believe me, he'll always be there-like it or not. You can talk to me. I'll always take your side. Don't worry."

I just didn't respond because I don't want to fight with Cynthia. I know she's just worried but I can handle myself. We can have this discussion some other time but I wouldn't change my views and plans still.

The party ended. Mikee is drunk so she's staying over at Cynthia's. I'm not even drunk. Wala din akong ganang uminom kanina. Not with all the things Cynthia said.

Nakita kong nag-usap sandali ang magpinsan bago kami umalis ng sabay ni Phoenix. I guess this is no longer a secret. I can't help but feel a slight frustration we weren't able to keep things to ourselves. If things would be over, I'd have to explain to Cynthia too. Iyon pa naman ang iniiwasan ko.

"Are you tipsy?"

"No," I answered as I wore my seatbelt. "Isang baso lang nainom ko. Beer tastes blah."

I noticed Phoenix is so serious. Parang naalala ko si Cynthia sa ekspresyon niya. Great, they're really cousins with that intense gaze.

Ayaw kong magtanong kung bakit ganyan ang mukha niya. I've had enough for the night already but Phoenix doesn't seem to have the plan of going pa dahil hindi pa kami umaalis.

"So," he said after a full two minutes of silence. "That's the reason why you won't date anyone."

I didn't say anything and just looked at Phoenix who seemed bothered and angered.

I don't see any reason why we should be having this conversation. Wala naman akong dapat ipaliwanag sa kaniya.

"Cynthia told you?" I just asked wondering if that's what Cynthia told him a while ago. Sandali lang naman silang nag-usap. Akala ko nga ay nagpaalam lang si Phoenix. I was wondering how much he knows though.

"I heard the two of you talking. I shouldn't have listened and I apologize. I didn't want to eavesdrop but I was risking it."

"Okay," This shouldn't be complicated. This whole arrangement was intended for simplicity. Ayaw kong may magalit sa akin, ayaw kong magpaliwanag. Maybe it's too selfish which was why I was clear about everything- that if he can't follow my terms, then we don't have to do this.

Pinakiramdaman ko lang siya. I'm trying to think for us too pero baka pagsisisihan ko lang ang sasabihin ko. I'm sober but I've had alcohol and I'm really tired. Right at this moment, I want to be alone, think until I fall asleep. Maybe when I'm awake, I can think of better things to say- whatever that could be.

"I'm tired, Phoenix. Can we go now?"

"You're avoiding this conversation. Even with Cynthia, you are avoiding it."

"My God." I'm exhausted and I think I'm being obvious too. If he can't take a hint, then it's not my problem anymore. "I don't want the conversation, Phoenix. So can we just please go in peace?"

"Cynthia's right-"

"Oh, for fuck's sake." Tinanggal ko na lang ang seatbelt. Sumasakit na iyong ulo ko. I wish he'd just shut up so we can continue living our lives in peace.

"Let's talk," he firmly said nang aktong bababa na ako sa sasakyan.

I raised an eyebrow. If he thinks I'll stay there while he talks to me about things I've made clear I don't want to talk about, then maybe we should be over.

"Okay," I said but left the door open. "But let's make this short. Let's stop. You obviously can't do this."