Forever Trapped

Chapter 22

I looked at the phone just to check if we were still connected. I thought he hang up because it has been silent for a while.

I didn't know what to say next. He is also not saying anything. I placed the phone on my ear again, listening to the silence.

"I've never dated anyone, you know." panimula ko. I kept telling myself before that I don't want to explain myself to anyone kasi hindi naman talaga kailangan iyon. As far as I'm aware, I'm not harming anyone.

But these days, I find myself wondering what Phoenix thinks of me. Kung naiintindihan niya ba ang sinabi ko. Kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng tingin niya o baka ba biglaang reaksyon lang ang pag-amin niya dahil naaawa siya sa akin. Maybe he thinks of me as a challenge.

A desperate sigh escaped my lips. "I don't know how to date. And it's a really stupid move to give someone like me a ring."

"Did you get it?"

"Yeah, but I haven't opened it." I looked at the box closely. Nasa kama ko din ito. It's amazing how I managed not to open it until now. "I wanted to give it back to you without opening it."

"You decided already?"

"I have."

"Okay."

I think I miss him. Nung may sakit ako, hindi ko naman inaasahang bibisita siya dahil hindi niya naman alam. I wanted and needed the space but it's weird because the longer we stayed apart, the more I missed his presence.

"Can you give me the answer later?"

"I can tell you now. I am ready."

"I don't think I am. Can we talk more before you do?"

His tone of voice is different. Nakakapanibago lang. Phoenix is so different in my head but he always turns out better than the guy I imagined him to be.

He is hot but he is also sweet and caring and kind. I feel like I don't deserve to be admired by someone like him.

Hindi magandang mag self-pity but it's not that. I am proud of myself, of the person I have become. Hindi man ako perpekto, I try to be better.

But Phoenix... he is just the best.

"What do you want to talk about?"

"I don't know. Your favorite place in the world? Your favorite movie? Your favorite memory? You can tell me anything you want."

"What the heck." He's being silly right now. "You sound like a slambook questionnaire. Baka naman gusto mong itanong sinong first crush ko?"

"I wouldn't like the guy exactly, just a warning pero I would welcome the information. I just want to hear your voice, Zahara." Malungkot akong napangiti sa sinabi niya. "I missed you. I really do."

I touched the lavender box, the temptation to open it is here again. Hindi naman siguro iyon nawala but the longer it stayed by my side, mukhang mas lalong nagiging tempting.

"I missed you too." I lay on my back and stared at the ceiling instead to give myself a different view. "I never had the chance to ask you. Ilan na ba naging ex mo? But don't tell me their names. Please."

I feel like we're two people on our first date right now. Hindi naman kasi kami nagtatanungan masyado. I never asked him questions because I thought it was unnecessary and I saw him stop himself from asking me questions. He's really an open book.

"Huh?"

"You heard me, okay? You said you wanted to hear my voice. It wouldn't matter what I'd say so I'll just ask the questions and don't judge me. I'm just curious but as I told you, not enough to know the names."

I wanted to hide the fact that I didn't want to know any names dahil baka magdamag akong mag-sesearch sa social media at magpapaka-private detective. It would not be healthy for me dahil alam kong ikukumpara ko ang sarili ko sa kanila. I am thinking of the worst already.

"Four. One in high school, two in college, and the last one was a doctor. All break-ups have something to do with a busy schedule. Either they're busy or I'm busy. It's just always like that."

"Hindi ka naman busy palagi," I told him. I really thought he was pero nakaka-punta pa nga siya sa workplace ko minsan. He is an investor but aside from the finance part, wala naman talaga siyang masyadong involvement.

He's busy with his other investments and business ventures pero palagi ko naman siyang nakikita which made me realize, that maybe he's really not that busy. Minsan nga, parang gusto kong itanong sa kaniya kung nagtatrabaho ba siya kasi halos available naman siya pag kino-contact ko.

His cheeky laugh can be heard from the other line. "I always made my work an excuse and I always felt like I'm always busy in the past too but I managed to work smartly and find a way to spend more time with you."

"Corny."

"It's really a matter of priority, Zahara. I'm not with you because I have spare time or I'm bored. I stayed by your side because I wanted to."

"Ayaw kong madadag sa listahan." I told him and I meant it. I've thought about this and I think I'm sure of what I really want to happen. "So, can you get your gift here?"

Wala siyang sinagot sa akin at nang masiguro kong hindi siya magsasalita, I heaved a deep sigh.

"I haven't opened it yet. If there's a ring here like you said, I want you to be the one to place it on my ring finger." I smiled slightly. Finally, I managed to say it.

I guess dating is not really for me and he's probably the right person for me because I didn't need a boyfriend but I suddenly find myself getting excited with the thought of calling someone my fiancé.

Maybe this is really a stupid decision but it's really either I'm out or I'm all in.

"If you're going to propose, propose properly, Figueroa."

And he makes me want to go all in.