Forever Trapped

Chapter 31

Zahara

When I heard Phoenix's voice, I wanted to speak but I couldn't find my voice. I also couldn't find the words to say.

I may not exactly know what he feels right now pero sigurado akong hindi din siya okay. He's been very patient and understanding with me that I don't know if I deserve all those things. I don't think I deserve a guy like him.

Ni hindi ko nga alam kung makakabalik pa ako sa kaniya. I would be shameless if I just go back to running into his arms. I do not want to take Phoenix for granted but I also don't want to ignore how I feel. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to think. I suddenly felt so tired and weak. And I tried not to beg for him to leave me alone but I really needed this time for myself because I was about to dive into despair trying to pretend that I'm okay even when I'm obviously not.

I know I was desperately trying to be a person I can't be at the moment. He knows I'm trying. As much as I want the idea of us together while I feel this... great emptiness. Hindi ko pala kaya.

Hindi dapat tinatakbuhan ang problema but I want to take this problem with me.

I wanted to stay at the orphanage but I don't think I can be with anyone for now. A hotel would be too suffocating. I didn't want to be found yet but I also didn't know where to go. As much as I didn't want anyone to know where I am, ayaw ko din namang mag-alala sila. So when Cynthia told me she knows a place that is secluded, far from gossip, and most especially, far from our families, ay pinuntahan ko na lang iyon.

I'm just trying to cling to her promise that she wouldn't tell Phoenix where I am. I trust Cynthia and I also believe Phoenix would give me enough time. Until then, I just wished that I'd be okay.

It has been weeks and I don't know if I am okay. Feeling this unsure, I guess I am not yet.

I turned my phone on again. I'd usually turn it off so I wouldn't receive any phone calls. It's really selfish to ignore their worries but I don't know what to say over the phone. Pero nung nakaraan ay gusto ko lang talagang marinig ang boses ni Phoenix. I laughed ironically. I answered his call because I missed his voice but I didn't even let him hear a single word.

"Umiiyak ka na naman."

I immediately wiped the tears on my face. I already know I look like I'm trying to carry the world with my problem pero ayaw ko namang idamay ang iba. Lalo na nakikitara lang naman ako dito. I was informed that the owner of this vacation house is a politician. There's no hint of that person on this house though. I wonder how Cynthia knew someone like him or her. She just assured me I couldn't be found here and I would be safe here. Hindi nga talaga siguro because I've travelled far. Even the tall gates and heavy security of the place, halatang importanteng tao ang may-ari.

I smiled at Allen, the one who takes care of the place. I am thankful that she didn't ask me any question or did not try to be nosy simula nung dumating ako dito. I try to do the same by also not asking why she decides to stay here in what seems like a lonely place in the middle of nowhere.

"I didn't even notice. I'm sorry."

She nodded. She looks like she understands what I'm feeling when I don't say anything. I guess it's one of the things I like here

"May tumatawag sa iyo." Sabi niya sabay turo sa phone ko. I stared at Phoenix's name on the screen. It was set on silent mode so it is just lighting up. 

If I would answer him, what will I tell him? That I'm sorry? That I will be going home? That we should try to act like I did not act differently towards him?

"Sasagutin mo ba?"

"I'm honestly not sure," I told her. He dropped the call and I didn't know if I should be thankful because every time this happens, I just feel bad. It's such a bitchy stupid move to ignore Phoenix's calls but it's even worse that every time his call would drop, I already think he's given up on me.

"Maghahapunan na, hindi ka pa ba papasok? Nagluto na siguro si Mary ng hapunan." She asked me, referring to one of the people who stay here. It's a huge place so there are three people who take care of the place. Two of them are Mary and Allen while the other one is a guy named Ben who I just seldom see. I think Mary mentioned once that he takes care of a nearby farm the owner of the house also owns.

"I will later. Thank you." I told her. I usually don't eat with them. I'm scared of small talk but aside from that, I also don't want to make them uncomfortable. My uninvited presence is already enough. Tumutulong nga ako as much as I can. I wanted to thank them and the owner of the place but they are really secretive about the owner. Pati nga si Cynthia, ayaw sabihin. I just try not to be a burden as a way to thank everyone.

I stared at the skies as it slowly turns darker and darker. I was seating on the patio for hours already, palubog pa lang ang araw. I didn't realize I'd been seating here for a while now.

Napansin kong hindi pa pumapasok si Allen. She's looking at me, or more like staring. I knew she wanted to ask me questions. She didn't verbalize her curiosity but I can still see it through her eyes. Tulad ngayon. If I'd catch her wanting to ask me something, she'd usually avoid my eyes but she didn't tonight.

I guess I look worse than usual.

I sighed, I sighed again until the sighs turned into sobs. I've been crying but not in front of everyone. I just couldn't understand what was happening... to me, to my life, to everything.

I covered my face with my hands as I cried even harder. Nakita niya naman na akong umiiyak but I don't want to see Allen's face as she watches me cry. I'm not sure if having someone by my side as I breakdown made me feel better. She pats my back and I didn't feel relieved but it felt like I had the permission to let someone see I feel what I feel.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto na ang lumipas. I didn't feel better still. I felt sad but it was the first time I let someone see I am.

"It was impossible for me to be pregnant so how could I lose my miracle in an instant? I should've known... Kasalanan ko 'to. Kung nag-ingat lang ako, I wouldn't lose my baby... My miracle..." 

I still couldn't accept it. I already gave up. Handa na akong tanggapin iyon. It was a hard pill to swallow but it was the reality that I've always known. Being with Phoenix probably made me think there was a chance. So I tried and hoped and prayed so fucking hard.

Then gave up only to learn I did have my miracle just after I lose it.

I feel so undeserving of everything. Hindi ko nga alam anong kasalanan ko but I felt like I don't even deserve to dream anymore.

I feel so empty.

My vision was clouded with my tears. And for a moment, I thought I was hallucinating but as I stared in confusion, the sight of my husband was becoming clearer too.