Forever Trapped

Chapter 20

Lumabas ako sa kotse niya at naghanap ng masasakyan.

I'm pissed but on the ride home, I did some thinking and convincing. Isali na din ang linawin ang isip ko para maging kalmado. I don't know why I was pissed but I realized I should not let this type of emotion ruin me.

When I calmed down, I felt a different type of sadness. I had too much serious talk for today. I didn't want to share anything about my medical condition because I felt like no one would understand and I guess I'm right.

At sa totoo lang, hindi ko naman hinihinging intindihin ako.

I still have my dreams. I still have my plans. I'm still alive and life goes on.

I need a shower and a good night's sleep and hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

"What the fuck?" Laking gulat ko nang pagbukas ng pinto ay bumungad sa akin si Phoenix na nakaupo sa maliit na sala ng unit ko. Fucking hell, I didn't let him borrow my keys so he could give me a heart attack! "What are you doing here?"

"I want to talk to you."

"Well, I don't. I've said what I wanted to say and it's clearer than clear pero kung hindi mo man iyon naintindihan, I can say it again. Stop. Let's end this." I tried to say as calm as I can. I want this to be over but I don't want a fight. I know I'd still see him at work and the drive home made me think that if we can end things like adults, we would both be spared the drama.

"So please," Gusto ko talagang mapag-isa lang ngayon. I want to rest. I'm really exhausted. "Leave."

"When will we talk then? Kung aalis ako, kakausapin mo pa rin ba ako?"

"My God, Phoenix. I already told you, it's over so can-"

"Then I won't leave."

His persistence is admirable but it's not what I need

"I want to be alone."

"Zahara..." he moved closer and I just sighed in frustration. The longer he stays, the more I can't think rationally. Ngayon, parang gusto ko na lang sigawan siya para maintindihan niya ang gusto kong sabihin. "Just give me answers then. Just-fine, three questions. Just three questions."

"When did you start liking me, Phoenix?"

"What?"

Nabigla siguro siyang ako ang unang nagtanong. He's obviously surprised with my question too but I'm eager to make him understand just so he would stop because I think he is being insensitive right now. "When did you start liking me?"

"I told you before, I saw you first at the orphanage. Playing with the kids."

"And I can't have kids. If you want, I can even show you the results of my previous tests. I can tell you the story of how I would cry as a teenager because of dysmenorrhea. How the doctor found out about not one, not two but three medical conditions- pretty much all the reasons why I'm infertile."

"I cried. I cried because I'm still young. I was only fifteen. I thought I was too young to have a child but I also know I'd want one in the future and I thought I would be okay with it but I'm not. I was never okay with it. Kaya nga minsan, hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit iniiwan iyong mga bata sa ampunan, kung bakit sila sinasaktan. The kids did nothing wrong, the babies..."

I was starting to sob. I have never told anyone this before. Kahit sa mga kaibigan ko. It hurts so much to say it but words just naturally came out of my mouth. Para akong bombang sumabog na.

"It took a long time for me to accept it, Phoenix. I repeatedly told myself it was fine but I was never okay with it. But I can only deal with this alone. I want to. Ayaw kong may ibang tao pa akong iisipin. I can't imagine a future with someone without arguing, without regrets. Paano kung sisihin ako? Paano kung hindi ako sapat? I..." I was having trouble speaking because of sobbing. I've never cried this much in my life. These thoughts have been on my head for a long time, pabalik-balik at parang sirang plaka na paulit-ulit na lang.

"I just want to be okay." I struggled but managed to say. I took a few deep breaths after crying so much. Hindi pa rin kasi siya gumagalaw. I don't want to see his face right now. "So please, just leave."

I bowed my head so the part of him that I can only see are his feet walking. He's finally leaving. Or that's what I thought. He stopped his tracks just right in front of me and wrapped me in his embrace.

Hindi ko nakikita ang mukha niya. I can only smell his familiar scent and I don't know why I started crying again. Hindi ako gumalaw but my shoulder would rise and fall from the sobbing. I tried not to hug him while my hands are forming a fist.

"Are you happy when we're together?" he started to slide his hand through my hair. I didn't know how long I stayed silent but I didn't answer. I was trying to focus on calming myself so I'd have enough strength to tell him to leave again. He stopped caressing my hair but started to pat my back, both his arms wrapping me in an embrace. "Let's me rephrase that, do I make you happy?"

Lumayo siya sa akin so we're now staring at each other's eyes.

"I wouldn't ask for much but can you answer my three questions?"

"Phoenix, please-"

"Honesty," he said. "Just honest answers, Zahara. Yes or no."

"Yes," I answered and was ready to say the buts again pero inunahan niya na ako.

"Can you imagine us, together for a long time?"

"You're so selfish." Hindi ko maiwasang sabihin sa kaniya. I just poured my heart out and told him things I've never told anyone before tapos ngayon, sarili niya pa rin ang iniisip niya. Nakakainis lang. "Can you please stop asking these questions because it doesn't matter. The answer doesn't matter."

"I guess I'm being selfish. And I want you to be selfish too." Lumayo ako sa kaniya. Hindi ko na siya maintindihan. I massaged my temples, my head is really starting to ache with all this. "You make me happy Zahara. You just told me I make you happy too. I know things are complicated but I think you are underestimating my feelings. You always do. If you really don't want to be with me, I won't bother you anymore... I'll give you more time to think.

I just want you to know that I love you, for who you are and I will accept you for who you are not. I have my own fair share of imperfections too. I'm... I often feel like I don't deserve you."

We never really had a serious talk. I always thought it wasn't needed with our arrangement. Phoenix has always been the one-liner sweet guy. He would always give me those intense gazes, he would always hold my hand, and he would always hug me. He had always been affectionate and I always feel admired and wanted when I'm with him.

I may like him but I'm not confused about what I should do. Wala pa ring magbabago.

I just don't want to give him the answer to his questions because it would not match the plans I have in store for us. So I just stayed quiet.

"Okay, I can wait for your answer- ah wait, I mean answers because I still have one question left. You have always been clear that we're not in a relationship," payak siyang napatawa while looking away. "But I really can't help it. I really want you. I love you."

Bahagya akong napanganga. Why is he saying all these? Why is he telling me all these?

"I commissioned someone to make a necklace. I was planning to give it to you on your birthday but you didn't want gifts and... I was certain you wouldn't accept it but I did it anyway. Was that really selfish of me?"

Phoenix has never been more talkative, I noticed. Talent niya ba talagang baliktarin ang mga pangyayari?

"The pendant is a ring, an engagement ring. Consider it my proposal. I wanted it to be romantic. I didn't know when I'd ask you but I know it would be you I'd be asking. You see, Zahara, I was always sure. I'll have it delivered here."

"Don't," I said immediately. I don't even have to think. I just know I can't accept it.

"My last question would be Will you marry me?"

"I just told you. Don't do it..." I said with a small voice. Don't be weak, Zahara! I need to be firm with this, with everything even!

"You can give me your answer once you receive the ring. Give me that chance, at least."