Forever Trapped

Chapter 25

"I now pronounce you husband and wife."

My smile grew even bigger. I never thought I'd be someone's wife but here I am.

"You may now kiss the bride."

I heard other people's cheers. It wasn't hard to distinguish their voices. Bilang ko lang din naman kasi ang mga bisita namin. I wanted Cynthia and Mikee to be present. Si Phoenix naman, si Kathea lang ang inimbita. It's just a small wedding but it's great. It's our wedding.

Phoenix leaned down to kiss me which I welcomed. I'm really sure now that this will be the man I'd be spending the rest of my life with. The mere thought of that was really terrifying but when I tell myself that it's Phoenix, nagiging okay na. I just stopped resisting and maybe that's when the magic really happens. When you give love and accept love. Trusting his promise and at the same time, give him my word.

"Now, you're stuck with me forever."

Napaka-corny talaga ng choice of words nitong asawa ko. Huh, even that sounds corny but I think I'm okay with corny now.

"It's hard no? Married life?" Nagpakawala si Kath ng isang napakalalim ng buntong hininga.

We've gotten closer mula nung ikasal kami ni Phoenix. I get why she is friends with my husband now. Gusto ko naman siya dati bilang boss but I'm comfortable with her now. Minsan nga, tinutukso niya akong technically ay boss niya ako dahil Figueroa naman na daw ako at asawa ako ni Phoenix even when Phoenix basically gave up his position on the business and just settled on being a stockholder, kind of.

"Hindi naman," I answered truthfully. Akala ko ay mahirap but it's actually not. I moved in on his unit and that's it. Wala namang dramatic na nagbago sa buhay namin. Our relationship did change but I think it's for the better. "There are fights here and there but not to the point na nakakapagod. It's better than what I've imagined."

"Annoying," nabigla ako sa sagot niya. Dahan-dahan tuloy na nawala ang ngiti sa mukha ko. "Dapat dini-discourage mo ako, eh."

"Oh, for the love of God, Kathea. Just propose to Atlas already. It's really obvious you want to get married." Natatawa na lang talaga ako pag ganito siya. Palibhasa kasi ay walang ibang kaibigan na mapagsabihan and she hasn't told anyone yet that she's in a relationship with Atlas kahit na umalis na siya dito to pursue architecture. Hindi ko nga alam na Architect iyon, kaya pala ganun ang mga design niya.

"Nope. Never. Never ever." Pabagsak niyang nilapag ang gunting and dramatically massaged her head. "Enough about me. Nas-stress ako. How about you two? Any plans of having children? Naiisip ko pa lang, nae-excite na ako. I'm so ready to spoil the Figueroa children!"

I bit my lower lip after a few seconds of thinking what to answer. Six months pa lang kaming kasal, hindi ko na mabilang ilang beses na kaming natanong kung anong plano namin. My workmates, Phoenix' parents who may not like me much but was still looking forward to seeing an apo.

I just tried to calm myself just like every time and readied my generic answer, "We have not discussed it yet."

"Alam mo ba, noon, I thought Phoenix would never get married but I was certain he'd have children. His face lights up when he's with kids. He never really said he wanted one but I just think it's something that he's looking forward. Ano ba iyan, di dapat ako nakikisawsaw. You both take all the time you need but I'm really excited for the both of you."

I didn't answer again and just smiled.

"How did they react?" I was staring on my laptop screen for a long time now. Hindi ko din maalis sa isip ko ang pinag-usapan namin ni Kathea. It shouldn't be a big deal and by this time, dapat sanay na ako. People would always share their two cents and I thought I'd get used to it.

Maybe I would, once I really accept that I can never have children... but I do. It's really hard because I want to.

I've been researching for hours now simula nang makauwi ako. I was aware that the chances are slim but I wanted to know if it's really impossible. Baka naman may pwede pa akong gawin. I saw that there are procedures that we can try. I've seen stories and testimonies na akala din ng mag-asawa na hindi sila magkaka-anak but they were able to conceive.

It's rare but still, it's miracle and I want that miracle too.

"Hey."

Agad kong nasara ang laptop ko sa gulat. I was so deep into my thoughts that I didn't notice he's already here standing in front of me. I was still thinking about everything kaya mabilis pa ang tibok ng puso ko sa gulat.

"Ang lalim ata ng iniisip mo, you didn't notice I was here."

"Yeah. Just some things..." He greeted me with a kiss and a smile. My lovely husband. Hinding-hindi siguro ako mapapagod na makita itong mukha na ito araw-araw. Okay, maybe there would be times I would but still, no regrets.

"Do you want to tell me something?"

I don't know if I should keep this to myself for now. I am aware of what may happen. I know I am hopeful pero ayaw ko din namang umasa lang si Phoenix sa wala. The longer I stayed silent, the more he looked worried. He wouldn't force me to tell what I feel pero kahit na.

I would be unfair if I decide just for me.

"Gusto mo bang magka-anak?"

I know the answer is yes. Pareho naman talaga naming gusto ata but we never talked about it again. Do we just know that I can't have children but is that really the end of it?

"Is... Is this bothering you?" he asked and I nodded. "I still stand with what I said before, Zahara. I'm okay with us not having kids. Masaya naman tayo ngayon, di ba?"

I nodded again. "I know... but Phoenix, I want to try." Naguguluhan na siguro siya sa mga pinag-iisip ko. Dati, ayaw kong makipag-relasyon dahil ayaw kong makasal. Ayaw kong dumating ang panahon na baka ako ang sisihin na hindi kami magka-anak. We were okay but here I am, contradicting my every plan. "I said I can't and maybe I'm being delusional. I just don't want to drag you into this and give you empty hopes because we're already aware of the chances. It's impossible but there could be ways... I was just thinking that maybe we can try. I sound so stupid, no? Maybe these thought would just pass by. Baka sa stress lang-"

"Zahara," he stopped me from speaking nonsense. I didn't notice I was already saying a lot. I was panicking. I can even see my fingers trembling. "You don't sound stupid. Of course, we can. You're my wife and as you're husband, I want you to know that I'll always be here. Whatever happens, we'll have each other."