Forever Trapped

Chapter 27

Nanginginig ang mga kamay ko. I tried not to cry but a single teardrop fell from my eye. "Well, it's almost expected. A lot of couples fail the first cycle."

Walang sinabi si Mikee sa akin and just hugged me which made just made me break down. I just cried there for a few minutes thinking why am I even crying when it has been expected.

I didn't want to get my hopes up pero mukhang hindi naman maiwasan. It wasn't easy to get ready for the worse.

My phone rang so I quickly wiped my tears. "It's Phoenix." It kept on ringing but I don't want to answer yet because I don't know how to tell him the news.

"Do you want to talk to him?"

I was still thinking when the phone stopped ringing. "It's just the first cycle. I know there's a huge chance that this will happen. Tanggap ko naman but it's just sad."

Mikee hugged me again. "It's okay to feel sad. What you're doing is amazing so, I know you're strong. Naloloka nga ako doon sa injections mo, eh." She said, talking about the pictures I sent the group. I like sharing with my friends my journey and they constantly ask me din kasi for updates. We're all excited about the thought of it.

My phone started ringing again. "I need to tell Phoenix."

"Sure?"

"I'll be fine."

I stayed to Mikee's guest bedroom. It has actually stopped ringing kaya ako na lang ang tatawag sa kaniya. I can do this.

It only took one ring before Phoenix answered. "Hello?"

"Hi," I tried to sound cheerful. Baka nag-iba din kasi ang boses ko dahil sa pag-iyak. I wouldn't want him to worry. "You didn't need to call. Besides, it's negative." I tried to say it casually.

Palagi ko naman siyang pinapa-alalahanan not to get too excited. We imagine a lot and it's hard to contain excitement sometimes but this is the reality. We know it's one of the possibilities.

"I'm okay. Don't worry. I'm staying with Mikee tonight so, I'm not alone." I added because he's still not speaking on the other line.

"I'm sorry..." I just felt the need to say so. Baka malungkot din siya ngayon. I mean, who wouldn't be? I was the one who initiated trying. I just felt sorry that even after all those efforts, wala pala.

"Don't be." He said. "Zahara, it's okay. I know we're both hoping for it to be positive but if it's not, you shouldn't be sorry. You did nothing wrong."

"Baka may ginawa kasi akong mali. Maybe I worked too much? Or didn't take care of myself properly? I don't know." I starting to cry again. Ano ba naman ito. Akala ko ay natapos ko nang iiyak lahat kanina.

"I'm sorry I'm not there with you right now. I shouldn't have left. I canceled the flight to Germany. I'm actually waiting for the flight to the Philippines. I'm sorry, Zahara. I promise I'll be home soon."

My supposedly one-week sleep-over turned into one night. True to his words, Phoenix took the flight home at ngayon, hinihintay ko na lang siyang maka-uwi.

I was feeling sick so I took a leave. Kath immediately agreed because I am almost never absent except when I'm feeling really sick. Wala naman akong sakit but I was so, so tired mentally that I didn't think I could work properly.

Habang naghihintay kay Phoenix na dumating, I fell asleep and woke up to the smell of a delicious aroma.

"You're home already?" Hindi ko pa masyadong mabuka ang mata ko and I'm not sure if I'm seeing Phoenix or imagining him.

"I didn't wake you up so I just prepared food instead." I looked at the food on the table. There's pizza, hamburger, colas- cheat food I stopped eating during the first cycle to keep myself healthy. I actually missed fast food and seeing all these at once was enough to make me drool. "Eat as much as you like."

I wanted to eat and I missed the food but seeing Phoenix again was even better. Lumapit ako sa kaniya and touched his cheeks so I could kiss him which he answered. I felt his hands on my waist as his lips moved with mine.

"I missed you," I said while trying to catch my breath. Sandali lang kaming hindi nagkita but I'm feeling a lot of emotions at once. I have to admit, it was draining. "I'm glad your home."

"Me too."

It's already been decided that we would take the second cycle after the first cycle of IVF. Phoenix asked me if I wanted to take a break. Sa totoo lang ay napa-isip ako sandali pero kaya ko pa naman. I just have to go back to the reason why I'm doing this.

I was given a higher dose for the injection this time. Phoenix always tries to stay with me when I administer the shots. Sometimes, he would put the band-aid. Sometimes, he'd just stay by my side.

"I'm bloated na," I observed. I was told that this is one of the effect of the shots. Hindi naman iyon big deal, the sting of every shot is even tolerable. Iniisip ko lang talaga palagi kung para saan lahat ang ito. For our family.

"Does it hurt?"

I shook my head. "It's nothing I can't handle."

I was crying after being on the phone with the doctor. I know I tried harder this time around. I was even more careful. I researched more, sinunod ko ang mga sinabi ng iba na gawin at di dapat gawin.

I know I tried but I just received a call that no egg was fertilized this time. We didn't even reach the stage of transferring the embryo.

Phoenix was busy in the office and I was alone when I received the news. Buti na rin siguro kasi gusto ko lang umiyak muna ngayon. I know I shouldn't. Some people would say it is not my fault. Maybe it's not but it feels like it is and I don't want to think this way pero hindi ko kayang pigilan.

I didn't want to talk to anyone for now. I don't even want to think.

Hindi naman siguro masamang mangarap na magkaroon ng anak. What have I done to not deserve to be a mother? If I did anything wrong, I wish I knew so I could make it right. Wala naman akong ginawang mali...

It took some days and some deep thinking to decide. Both me and Phoenix.

I would always assume that I can do it again because I've already done the cycle twice. This is already the third time pero paminsan-minsan, bigla na lang akong napapa-iyak. It's hard. It's really hard.

The pain has always been tolerable but I don't know if I can handle another failed cycle.

"Zahara..." I heard Phoenix call my name.

Gusto kong sumagot but I want to enjoy my silence for now.

I don't know how other couples do this. It takes so much courage and effort. You can't help but make yourself believe that there's some miracle in the making... or not. And then you try again and again and again until you either get your miracle or lose the hope of obtaining it.

I can feel the end. I just don't know how this would end.

Until that morning, I woke up and felt something different.

I went to the bathroom and cried and cried. I tried not to sob but I can't stop myself from crying.

I just got my period.