Forever Trapped

Chapter 29

PHOENIX.

If only I could make it to the hospital faster, I would. All I could do is pray that Zahara is fine and safe after I heard that she was admitted to the hospital because of an accident.

I was already catching my breath when I reached there but I tried to calm myself before opening the door. Zahara is fine... Zahara would be fine.

When I opened the door, she was lying on the hospital bed while her back is facing me.

"Zahara?"

I was worried when I heard nothing from her but after a few seconds, lumingon din naman siya. I was relieved that she was safe. She had a band-aid on her head and I was really scared looking at the bruises on her body. She tried to smile at me for a moment but the look on her face after worried me more.

"How are you feeling?"

I walked closer and examined the bruises on her body. Takot akong hawakan siya, worried that it might cause her pain but she held my hands and didn't say anything. She just looked at me with sad eyes and it was enough to know she was not okay.

She didn't say anything to me the whole night...

I was told by the doctor that we can go home the day after the accident. She looked better after waking up, though I doubted if she got to sleep because of the dark circles under her eyes. Still, I tried to smile because I can see her trying to smile too.

Galit ako sa kung sino man ang may gawa nito sa asawa ko. That bastard was not able to control the speed of his car. That guy was on another hospital because his condition was a lot worse than my wife. He better get his shit together because that accident could've cost my wife's life. Baka masaktan ko din siya pag nangyari iyon... heaven forbids.

Zahara seems okay, she was trying but she didn't talk too much. I didn't want to ask her a lot of questions thinking it might bother her even more but I'm really bothered by how sad she looks when she's alone.

Sometimes, I would see her staring at nothingness when she was alone. It hurts to see her try to put on a mask whenever she's with me. I would love to see my wife smile but I would like to be that someone whose shoulder she can cry on or someone she can talk to when she's sad. 

For better or for worse, it's our promise.

Maybe just a little longer. Maybe she'll tell me why she's acting so distant.

"Dinner later?" I asked her because it seems like she's always late for work lately. Hindi ko alam kung sinasadya niya ba or she's just really just drifting away from me. I'm really trying and I've been so patient since the whole incident but I've been so blind lately too.

I just want some words from her... some honest words. Hindi iyong kasinungalingan. I wouldn't want her to lie to me.

She looked at her watch and paused.

"Around eight? or nine? Doesn't matter... I'll wait for you."

Zahara nodded her head and gave me another of those practiced smiles. "Okay."

"Really?" I asked because I need this. I want to talk to her. We can't continue being like this.

"Yes," she said. "I also would like to tell you something."

The time was painfully fast and slow at the same time... and it has been this way for more than a week already. I am always looking forward to going home and seeing Zahara. And every time I drive home, I pray to all the gods that hopefully, tonight, the smile on her face would be genuine. Tonight is no different. I am driving home, thinking and praying so hard I'd get to see her smile again.

I'll do everything just to see her truly happy.

It's just really frustrating on my part because I don't know what to do. I don't want to put any blame on her. I have seen her sacrifice. I've seen her endure the pain when we were trying to conceive. Just when I thought I couldn't fall for her even harder, during those times, I really did.

This time... this is just one of the bumps we'll face together.

I looked for her in the living room but she wasn't there. Wala din siya sa kusina. Did she go home already?

I tried to look for her in our room and that's where I saw her seating at the edge of the bed.

She flinched when she saw me come in... Why is she acting this way? I wish I knew why.

Hindi tulad ng mga nakaraang araw, she didn't try to smile at me. Is this better or worse? That she's not trying to fake emotions now but I can genuinely see her sadness.

"Zahara..." I can't take this anymore. I did try to give her space but now, I need answers because if we would try- both of us, I need to know how I can help her. "I know everything's not okay."

I kneeled in front of her so I could see her eye to eye. Probably also because I want to beg. If I have to, I would.

"Please tell me why..."

She took slow deep breaths as she tried not to cry but tears fell one by one from her eyes. 

"I promise, I'll do whatever it is I need to do. Whatever it is you want me to do. Everything will be better." I said but her eyes are making me doubt if things would really be better.

What she said next even bothered me more.

"I want to leave..." I've never seen her cry this hard and I want to stop her from crying and leaving but can I do both? "Phoenix... I feel so empty."

"B-but... why?"

I asked because this is all too sudden. Masaya naman kami noong nakaraan. All was great but seeing her like this made me wonder if things were really as good as I thought it was.

I didn't want to see her cry or leave either but she just sobbed and didn't give me any answer.