Forever Trapped

Chapter 32

I was crying and just seconds ago, I was feeling really sad for myself but at this moment now, with Phoenix in front of me looking the way he does, I feel so sad for us.

"Phoenix..." Hindi ko alam kung ano ang una kong gawin. Do I explain first? Do I say sorry? The questions I had were not hypothetical anymore. I wanted to swallow my pride that moment and cry in his arms but the looks of betrayal on his face were stopping me from doing so. How could I even do that to him?

Hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto kaming nagtitigan lang. My feet were glued to where I was standing. I have been running away and I'm afraid I could no longer do it anymore. Seeing the hurt in his eyes was like a slap on my face for what I have done.

Napansin kong wala na pala si Allen sa tabi ko. We were left alone outside. I know I shouldn't feel this longing knowing it was me who ran away but damn, I missed him.

"I'm sorry..." the words escaped my lips like a whisper through the thin air. I didn't know if he heard it because he didn't move. I moved closer even if every step was hard to take. Nakayuko lang ako and when I was standing near enough for him to hear my voice, I stopped. I was scared and ashamed to see his eyes but I swallowed whatever shame and guilt I felt and looked at him. "I'm sorry."

"Zahara..." I finally heard his voice from his own lips. Nakakapanibago. I wanted to touch his face when I saw how the tears fell from his eyes. He looked sadder than ever, it's more than just the dark circles under his eyes or how tired he looked. "Why..."

Why...

I wanted to know the answer because I know I owe him that. If I knew why I would say it but I don't. Up until now, I still don't know why. Kung bakit ganito ang nararamdaman ko, kung bakit nangyayari sa akin ito. I feel so unlucky up to the point that I feel like I'm unworthy of everything.

"I'm sorry," I said again dahil wala na akong ibang maisip sabihin.

"You should've told me," he said. "I almost lost my mind wondering what's wrong."

"I can't bring myself to say anything. Hindi ko alam kung paano sabihin sa iyo Phoenix because I was trying to understand why all these are happening to me. And everything was bad enough. Tapos parang dinadamay pa kita. I didn't want this to happen to me but I also don't want these things to happen to you."

The tears were back as I tell all this.

And then the memories were coming back again.

Nung naaksidente ako. Nung tanungin ako ng doktor kung alam ko bang buntis ako. Nung sabihin niyang wala na ang anak ko.

"I should've known..." I didn't know what I would do if I did but I'd give the world just to bring me back to that time. So I could try everything to make things right. "I didn't even have the chance... We didn't even get to... to know."

It felt like the world was writing me the story that was intended to just be... hurtful. How was that even possible?

"It wasn't your fault," Phoenix was about to take a step closer but I walked one step away from him.

I knew he would say this but I couldn't bring myself to believe it. Everything feels like my fault.

"This shouldn't be happening... Kung-kung siguro hindi tayo nagpakasal, everything would be just the way it is. Things would be better for us if we never met."

It was too late to take my words back. I knew that too well but even if I could, I wouldn't unsay it because I meant it. Kung hindi kami nagkakakilala, hindi mangyayari ang lahat ng ito. I would lose all my happy memories with him but we would be spared from all these tears.

He didn't try to hide the hurt in his eyes with what I just said. "Please tell me you don't mean any of that."

He is giving me the chance to unsay it but I still feel the same. Hindi ko kayang sabihin sa kaniya ulit iyon so I just stayed silent while watching him slowly nod his head and walk away from me.