Forever Trapped

Chapter 28

"How do you feel?"

I was feeling better. It took a few days, maybe a week for me to feel like I was doing better but I'm okay now.

Both me and Phoenix are busy with our work these days at siguro, isa iyon sa mga rason kung bakit mas okay kami ngayon because right after I found out I wasn't pregnant, we really weren't. I was sure I'm not.

I was drained and constantly asked myself where did I go wrong. Ayaw kong makaapeekto iyon sa amin ni Phoenix but who am I kidding.

"I'm better." Masaya ako na ngayon, I can finally say and mean those words. "Thank you... for being patient."

Binigyan niya ako ng tipid na ngiti. It was hard for both of us and I didn't want to blame anyone. I was blaming myself but Phoenix always reminded me that that is not the case. That if this is how things would be, then it is enough.

"Are you going home late tonight?"

"Hmm..." he starts to think about his schedule probably. Mas madalas kasi siyang late nakaka-uwi. I go home on time but I usually leave for work early and the time that we spend together has been shorter. "I don't think so. Do you want to do anything?"

I nodded enthusiastically. "Netflix?"

"Sure?" he asked, challenging me. Siguro ay dahil tuwing nagmo-movie kami, I would always end up sleeping. "After spending some 'movie nights'" he added some air quotes "with you, the meaning of Netflix in my head has changed into sleep."

"I really try to stay awake!" Tama nga naman siya. We even tried to watch a horror movie once but halfway through the movie, I fell asleep. Nagising naman ako and Phoenix was still awake watching the end credits. Nagkunwari akong nanuod pero tinatawanan lang ako, saying he knew I have been sleeping for an hour. "But fine! I'm really not a movie person. Inaamin ko na."

"Should we just eat outside?"

"Ayaw mo paglutuan kita?"

"Ayaw kong mapagod ka," mabilis pa sa kisap-mata na sagot niya. I was laughing so hard with his impressive reaction. Gumagaling na ata ang asawa ko.

"Hindi naman ako mapapagod. You know I love you, wife." Paglalambing ko pa even if at the back of my mind, I am also excited to eat out. To be brutally honest, I hate my cooking too. I think that one time I cooked adobo was the only decent dish I've ever prepared. Never really tried to be better so who else can I blame. But it's still fun to tease my husband.

I can even see him trying to think of probably an excuse or a way to survive this day without my cooking.

"I love you too which is why I'll take you somewhere- anywhere you like so you can eat any food you'd like."

"Okay. I want to have a lot of desserts tonight. Cake, ice cream, just... sweets. Lots of sweets."

I've been watching what I was eating to the point na hindi ko na din nai-enjoy ang kinakain ko. Even with my meals, I stress too much. I don't want to eat too much or too little. I wanted everything to be balanced but it really did take a toll on my mental health now that I'm thinking about it. But tonight, I'll just enjoy my night with my husband. 

I missed this. I missed us.

Gusto kong maging masaya din, same thing with how I want my husband to be happy. I want us to be happy together. I realized that if I'm only faking my smiles, it would be hard not just on me but on both of us. Masaya akong nagkaroon ulit kami ng panahon ngayon na magkasama.

I just mindlessly touched the ice cream and the Phoenix's face. Napahinto tuloy siya sa pagsubo ng kinakain niyang pistachio flavored ice cream. "My sweet, sweet hubby." I said which made him laugh.

Instead of wiping it. I looked around to check if anyone was paying attention to us. Not that I care really, but anyway, none was looking. I leaned and licked the chocolate ice cream on his cheek. "Yum."

"Naughty," he commented. "It's nice to see you like this again."

"Naughty? Really?"

"No. I mean, maybe? But that's not what I was talking about, silly." Kumuha siya ng tissue at pinunasan ang kamay kong natuluan ng na-melt na ice cream. "You're smiling and laughing like that again."

"I wanted to be stronger... but I feel like a piece of me fades away with the whole process," I told him honestly. "Phoenix..." Sa totoo lang, may sasabihin ako sa kaniya kaya gusto ko din sanang kasama ko siya ngayon. "You're okay with us, right? Just... us?"

"I'm okay as long as I'm with you. I'd be better if you'd be happy with me too."

"Would it be okay... if for now, we stop trying?" My lips were trembling when I said those words.

"Okay." He gave me a smile and I wanted to believe I'd be okay too.

Alam kong papayag naman siya. I never felt like I'm sacrificing anything for him because he always makes me feel that I'm enough. I'm just really wishing na matatanggap ko din ang katotohanan.

Tonight may not be that night but little by little, I hope I'd be better.

"I promise, I'd be on time."

"Kahit hindi na nga, okay lang." Tinawanan lang ako ni Phoenix sa kabilang linya even when I'm dead serious about being late at the family dinner with my parents. I don't know why but a part of me is already expecting a problem kasi parang iyon lang naman palagi ang rason kung bakit kami nagkikita.

"See you at home. Seven sharp."

"Kahit gawin mo nang eight." I'm really not excited for this dinner.

I'm on my way to the supermarket to buy some fruits and gifts. Okay na siguro ang wine. Phoenix said he'd bring something else kahit sabi kong hindi na mag-effort. Palibhasa ay gustong-gusto nila Mommy at Daddy. They've loved him since the first time they met him. Probably because of his net worth and background. Well, good for me I didn't have to fight them.

"See you, wife."

"See you-"

I wasn't able to finish what I was about to say. 

I couldn't speak, I couldn't move. All I saw was black.