Forever Trapped

Chapter 33

Who am I to judge him for walking away from me?

I know Phoenix loves me and that he would give me the world if he could but maybe, I pushed him to his limit this time. But maybe it's for the better.

That night, I cried myself to sleep thinking I may have lost my husband forever. My stay here is enough too.

So when I woke up, even with all the inhibitions, I started to pack my things. Hindi pa ako handang harapin lahat ng tao at kahit kakakita lang namin ni Phoenix, hindi pa din ako handang makita siya pero kung hihilingin niyang makita ako para tapusin na namin ang kung anong meron kami, even if it would tore my heart into a million pieces, I'm still willing to let him go.

He deserves to have what I can't give him. Baka kasi dumilim lang ang mundo niya simula nang dumating ako. How can I keep him when I know he deserves better?

Both Mary and Allen's eyes were on me when I walked out of the room. Sabay din silang napatingin sa maletang dala-dala ko. It was inevitable but my decision to go home last night was sudden kaya hindi ko na sila nasabihan bago pa ako nakapag-empake. I awkwardly smiled as I tried to relay my non-verbal apology. 

"I should've told you-" I was also about to say sorry nang mapadako ang tingin ko sa tinitingnan ni Mary. Phoenix was quietly seating on the antique wooden chair in the living room, eyeing me carefully.

Bakit siya andito? Akala ko ba ay umalis na siya kagabi?

It's hard to read what he was thinking with the way he nonchalantly looks at me. I was suddenly nervous wondering why he is still there.

"Uhm, kain ka muna, Zahara." Mary told me. The look of panic on her face was telling me she was trying to save everyone from this awkward situation.

Dapat nga siguro ay umalis na ako dito. Nahihiya na talaga ako sa kanila. I couldn't thank them enough for taking care of my needs during my stay here. "Thank you."

Hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin kay Phoenix with him just being quiet there. I should also tell him to eat  dahil baka hindi pa siya kumakain but it would be uncomfortable for Mary and Allen. I sighed. What an awakward situation this is.

"Phoenix, kain ka din muna." Allen tells him which saved me again from an awkward situation. Siguro ay nagpakilala na sila sa isa't isa because Allen already knows his name. Hindi din naman basta-bastang makakapasok dito ang kahit na sino. Cynthia must've told Phoenix where I am. I knew this would happen. I'm just thankful I was given enough time.

Surprisingly, sumunod naman si Phoenix sa amin but he didn't say a word still.

"Kumain na kayo?" Agad na tumango ang dalawa sa tanong ko.

"Kanina pa. Bago dumating si Phoenix."

I didn't want to refuse the foods they were offering kaya naman nauna akong umupo sa hapag-kainan. Nagpa-alam naman ang dalawa na may gagawin pa daw sila sa garden.

My eyes were glued to my plate the whole time. I was trying to avoid Phoenix's eyes. Kinakabahan nga ako masyado thinking he might say a word and I may not find my voice to answer him after everything I said yesterday but he didn't say a word which was both fortunate and unfortunate. I didn't have an appetite but I just wanted to cut the breakfast time short so I ate enough food for me not to be hungry during the ride home and as fast as I can.

"I thought you went back already," I said when I finished my food. I'm not sure whether I should stand up and leave him or just face him and talk to him. I decided to choose the latter.

He just acted and continued to eat his ham and rice as if I'm not in front of him. Ano bang plano niya? Bakit ang hirap niyang basahin ngayon? If he wouldn't talk to me then why is he still here?

My head was starting to ache with all these questions.

"I'm going back today," I informed him. Halata naman sa maletang dala ko but I have nothing else to say and he is still acting like I'm a ghost. "We can talk about annul-"

"You are going home with me." Kakatapos niya lang kumain. I can see that his place is empty. He drank a glass of water and wiped his mouth with a cloth.

I was just observing his every move trying to digest what he just said. I was even hesitant to call it home thinking I may be unwelcome there now but here he is, telling me I will be going home with him... Is this why he's here? To bring me back home?

I sighed at the thought of it. I'm really exhausted for him. Hindi pa ba siya napapagod sa akin at hindi niya ako maiwan-iwan? I know we've only been together for a short time but the rest of his life can still be saved if he would leave me. If we would just live it separately.

"I won't go home, Phoenix," I said to him. My decision is final. It would be impossible to live in our unit. Should I still even call it our unit? I think it's just his now. Kung babalik ako doon, it would be lonely again. "Babalik ako sa Manila but-"

"No buts, Zahara." he looks at me straight in the eyes. The shade of his eyes is darker than it's used to. It's the first time I'm seeing this side of him. "You may have decided for yourself but we're married. I have given you enough time and now should be the time that we start deciding things for us. Starting with going back to our home."

I was about to answer him but he already walked out leaving me alone in the dining area.

I wasn't scared of Phoenix pero nanibago ako sa tono na ginagamit niya sa akin. He was firm and he sounded so sure of his decision. Ibang-iba sa inaakala ko pagkatapos naming mag-usap.

"Asawa mo?"

I was brought back to my senses when Allen and Mary came to the kitchen. May dala na silang mga bagong harvest na prutas at gulay.

"Ah, oo." I answered even if we are obviously having problems. Hindi naman sila dumagdag ng tanong. I was ready to answer their questions though. I owe them an explanation, at least about why I'm here and why I was acting like I did but they didn't.

Instead, Mary just nodded. "Sinusundo ka na pala." She gave me an encouraging smile and I wanted to correct her but she spoke again. "Sabi kasi ni Sir may dadating daw na Phoenix. Hindi naman kami basta-basta nagpapapasok dito. Sumusunod lang sa utos ni Sir."

I wonder who she meant by Sir. So it's a he apparently. Hindi na ako nabigla sa koneksyon ni Cynthia but it's just that she didn't told us about the what seems like, mysterious friend.

"Nagpaalam na nga din pala siya at nagpasalamat. Sumakay na doon sa sasakyan niyo dala pati gamit mo."

"I'm sorry... what?"

"Phoenix!" I knocked on the car and I tried to open it again. Bumukas naman iyon this time. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Driving you home obviously."

He hasn't changed at all. Ilang beses ko na bang inakala that he has already given up on me? Yet again, here he is, proving me wrong again.

"Phoenix-"

"We better go now if you want to arrive sooner."

"You don't understand..."

"We're both exhausted. So why don't you say your goodbyes to them and talk when we get home?"

It was again, one of those arguments that I didn't know if I wanted to win or lose but Phoenix surely wants to win. His eyes are telling me there's no backing out and no compromising with that one.

So I said my goodbyes to them and had a silent drive home with my husband.