Forever Trapped

Chapter 34

Phoenix said we'd have our talk when we get home. I was dreading that talk and at the same time, I know I needed that.

Ngayon na babalik na kami sa Manila, the silence while on the road gave me the chance to think about everything.

About the work that I shamelessly left. I'm wondering if Kathea would still accept me. Nahihiya akong bumalik but she was right. I should've given it more thought. Buti na lang and she suggested taking a leave instead of resigning. Alam niya sigurong kailangan ko lang ng space at panahon.

My family... Well, I don't think they're too much worried. My parents just probably think that I and Phoenix have one of those petty fights. My brother on the other hand has sent me concerned text messages asking where I am and to call him if I can.

Mikee knows I'm away. Cynthia knows where I am.

Now, I'm left with Phoenix.

I tried to preoccupy myself with a lot of thoughts while looking at the window. Terrified that Phoenix may speak any moment from now and I'll be left with no answer again. Instead, I tried closing my eyes and pretending to sleep just so I could avoid any conversation.

Nang buksan ko ang mga mata ko, hindi ko inakalang makakatulog talaga ako ng matagal dahil malapit na kaming makarating. I quickly glanced at Phoenix who was still focused on driving. 

I was thankful for the silence earlier but until when is he planning to stay silent? Pinaparusahan niya ba ako dahil sa paglayo ko at hindi pagsagot sa mga tawag niya?

Dumirecho na akong lumabas sa sasakyan nang dumating na kami. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang plano niya. Why he insisted I come back here right now. I'm not even sure if we're both in the right minds to have a proper discussion or talk. I was about to contact my brother and ask if I could stay in the spare room of his house because I wouldn't want to answer any questions Mom and Dad would ask.

Just... I could've made this easier but here we are on the difficult route.

Basta, wala pa din akong planong makipag-usap sa kaniya. It was a long drive. I am also sorry that he did all the driving. For both our sake, I wish we would just go home and sleep tonight.

Pagdating namin, dumiretso na ako sa banyo to take a shower and fix myself. Maybe stall some time away from Phoenix. Away from those eyes who do all the speaking that he couldn't.

It's terrible for me to ask for just a little more time but I just want this night to be silent. Ngayon lang.

There was already a burger and a chicken meal from a nearby fast food restaurant paglabas ko. I didn't even realize I was hungry before I came here. Mukhang nagutom din siguro ako sa sobrang pag-iisip. With the amount of food Phoenix ordered, sigurado akong hindi lang ito para sa kaniya.

He's also not in the kitchen or sala. I heard his footsteps earlier so I'm sure he's just around.

I sighed while grabbing the burger. I would thank him for the food he ordered later but for now, I'll swallow my pride first as I eat the food he ordered, which I assume was for us. I just quickly ate it there. I just naturally finished eating quickly dahil sa gutom.

Sa kitchen na ako nag toothbrush, scared again that I'll run into Phoenix at baka singilin niya ulit ako ng pag-uusap. I'll organize my thoughts for now. Okay lang din naman siguro kung sa spare room ako matutulog. I couldn't imagine the awkwardness if we'd slept in the same room, even more, the same bed.

I was about to go inside the room nang saktong lumabas naman siya galing sa kwarto namin. Droplets of water were falling from his hair. Kakaligo niya lang pala.

"Thank you for the food," I managed to say. "Uhm... I'll answer every question you have. We can talk if you want but let's rest for now." I told him. 

I'm sure he's tired too. We kind of agreed before na hindi na paabutin ng bukas ang pag-aaway but what if our talk wouldn't end on a note we'd like? Baka hindi na kami makatulog and looking at Phoenix, he looks like someone who hasn't slept for ages. I just hope that my being here would give him a kind of assurance or comfort, just for him to have the rest he needs.

I wanted to touch his cheek or maybe just give him a good night peck but before I could make up my mind and decide to do any of these, I made my way to the door of the second room. "I'll sleep here for now. Good night." I told him without saying an explanation. I'm sure he knows.

After making myself comfortable, I also doubt dahil hindi din ako matahimik knowing Phoenix is literally steps away.

I terribly miss my husband.

But instead of feeding my imagination of how badly I want to kiss him and hug him and just stick so close to his body to compensate for the lost time, ibinalot ko na lang ang sarili ko ng kumot. I can't do that. How fucking terrible would that make me?

The blanket felt like his embrace. Pati nga ang amoy ay parehas din kay Phoenix. I wrapped my arms around the blanket but the heat coming from it made me open my eyes only to see Phoenix with his eyes closed and his body so close to me, lying beside me on the same bed.

A short gasp escaped my lips with the surprise that was brought by his presence. Bakit siya andito?

I wanted to cry. His face this close to mine was enough to make me feel so.

I want to embrace him even tighter but I was frozen. I felt like I still owe him; an explanation, my thoughts, my stand, my feelings. Hanggang hindi ko iyon nasasabi lahat, I couldn't just go back to how things were without giving Phoenix all those.

So I didn't move. But he did move closer. So close that I could already feel his breathing on my neck... Just doing all the things I wish I could do first.

How lucky am I to meet this guy? I just... I'm not sure if I deserve this much understanding and love.

I almost cried but I didn't want to wake Phoenix up with my sobs so instead, I let some teardrops fall from my eyes as I tried making myself fall asleep with Phoenix by my side. I let him hug me, gentle but secure at the same time. After some thoughts and without uttering a single word, I also let myself hug him.