Forever Trapped

Chapter 30

"What... Why?"

I knew she was hurt and that she was sad but I didn't know that this is how she feels. It has only been a short time but it seems like we really drifted apart.

My wife is crying in front of me and I'm standing in front of her wondering why is she feeling this way. It's really frustrating. It may be too much to ask for her some understanding pero pwede bang malaman kung bakit siya nalulungkot?

"Zahara, please..."

"I want some space for now. Phoenix, please." 

"Hindi ko maintindihan." I really don't and everything about us at the moment is challenging everything I feel.

"I just- I need some time."

She said she needed some time. She said it is what she needed. It was the opposite of what I wanted but I also couldn't let Zahara continue feeling what she feels. I believe that we can still solve whatever problem we are facing.

She asked for space so I did give her that. A day passed, I wished that was enough pero alam kong kulang pa. 

One week passed, I heard nothing from her still. I've been sending her text messages and I badly want to call her and ask her if she's fine but I stopped myself the past few days. I desperately want us to be together but I'm also determined to give her enough space.

Enough was enough. Two weeks have passed. I need to hear from her. I did try to call her but she couldn't be reached. Zahara... just- where in the world are you?

"She didn't tell you anything?" I finally asked Kathea hoping I'd get some answers from her. The last time I asked her, she told me Zahara asked for an indefinite leave.

"Phoenix..." I knew that tone and I was scared to hear what she'd say next. "Zahara actually tried to resign."

"What?" I didn't know this.

Did she plan this? Does she even have plans of returning? Bale wala lang ba sa kaniya ang kasal namin? Did she even mean those things she said in her vow?

I am really trying not to get angry at her. I've been spending days and sleepless nights convincing myself that Zahara has her reason and that one day, she'll go home. She'd explain everything to me and that we'd be together again. But it has been weeks already. And I still haven't seen even a part of her shadow yet.

"I tried to talk her out of it. I don't know exactly the reason and she said she also couldn't say it which is why she wants to resign but I can't let her. I did, however, let her take the leave. Kaya hindi ko din alam kung kailan siya babalik, Phoenix. I have not heard anything from her either."

I took another shot of the whiskey on the table. I guess this is another night without Zahara.

I've been patient. I've been so kind. I did try to understand her until I could not anymore. Hindi na pwede ito.

I guess the consecutive nights with different types of alcohol have significantly increased my alcohol tolerance. It's amazing how I've been seating here for hours already and still not feel a bit tipsy. All thanks to my missing wife.

I'm still not drunk but I'm more desperate than ever.

I searched through the contacts and tried to call Zahara. Like the past nights, I'm already expecting this attempt to fail. Minsan, hindi talaga siya natatawagan. Minsan, it would ring several times and I do try to call her as much as I can. I send her messages. I want her to know how much I've been missing her. I didn't want to tell her I've been miserable but I guess the number of attempts I've made to call her was enough evidence.

It rang, then rang again. Unlike my previous calls, my call has been rejected.

I laughed bitterly. Ano na lang ba ang mangyayari sa amin? Can't she even spare me some explanation?

I tried to call again. I didn't care if she'd reject it. I wouldn't bother her much but I just want to let her know that this is not the end of it. If she's determined to stop me, then she needs to talk to me. She can try but I wouldn't back out without a fight.

"Hello," I found myself speaking.

I was angry just a second ago. I was thinking all these thoughts and just one answered a call from Zahara, I'm back to being miserable and desperate- willing to beg her to come home there and then.

"Zahara?" I asked because no one was talking on the other line. I checked and she really did answer. I wasn't just hallucinating. "Are you there?"

She didn't answer and panicked suddenly that the call might end. I want to tell her everything. I wanted to ask her a lot of questions. I want to know when she would come back but in the end, I'm just really sad that she's not here with me.

How can she leave me like this because I could never do this to her?

I found myself crying, just wanting to hear her voice but if she wouldn't let me, I would like her to know a few things.

"Zahara... I love you. It has been hard but I won't give up. I'll find you. So please... come back to me."

My phone suddenly ran out of battery.

"Fuck!" I ran towards our room to get the charger. Then I tried to call her again but she can't be reached anymore. Fuck! Just fuck! Worst timing.

I tried to call her again but still, no luck.

I got so frustrated but I'm still left with a choice. One choice I know I shouldn't do but I really have no choice right now but to do this. 

"Hello?" Cynthia answered on the other line.

I immediately want to apologize to my cousin. She is my favorite, after all. She has been good to me but I need her to tell me some truths right now.

"Hello, Phoenix? Why are you calling? It's already late in the Philippines."

I sighed. "Cynthia, I need to know where's Zahara."

There was a few seconds pause on the other line. Alam kong alam niya kung nasaan si Zahara. She told me she didn't but I also know when she's lying. I've been convincing myself that whatever reason Zahara has, it was deep enough for Cynthia to not tell me the truth as well. But this needs to be over... all the hiding and the lying.

"I don't know." She said almost convincingly but her moment of silence was hesitation. "I wish I do but I'm really sorry Phoenix, she didn't tell me where she is."

"You spoke to her?" There was silence. "I need to find my wife Cynthia. You know I'd do everything just to have her back."

"Phoenix, I'm really-"

"Don't tell me you're sorry. If you are, tell me where she is."

"What- I told you, I don't know."

"I know you do. I'm really sorry for doing this Cynthia but tell me where my wife is or else-"

"Or else what?"

"You're in the Philippines right now with that man who is known to be together with another woman for publicity. I don't think anyone- our family or even his supporters would like to hear this news." I said the words through my gritted teeth. I know I'm doing the wrong thing. I shouldn't threaten Cynthia but it's unbelievable what desperation can make you do.

She stayed silent on the other line.

"I've been keeping your secret for a long time now and I'm sorry I'm doing this but I'm just... I need to know where my wife is."