Words that can't be written

Chapter 1

"What the fuck Ashiana Bartolome! Anong natatandaan mo sa mga sinasabi ko? Hindi ba uuwi ka ng perfect lahat ng exam mo o di kaya gugustuhin mo rin na sa pag uwi mo ay may pasa kang makukuha sakin?"

I started to run to my room, afraid of being caught by my father. He always acts like that seeing my exams with one mistake. Is one mistake not enough for them? I did all my best to get a perfect score. Are they not satisfied with the fact that I was still a top one of the whole university I am in?

Narinig ko ang maingay na pagkalansing ng mga susi sa pintuan ng kwarto ko. "You will never go out of this room until you finish reading all the books and write an essay about it, Ashiana."

Naupo ako at isinandal ang aking ulo sa likod ng pintuan ng kwarto ko habang tinititigan ang makakapal na librong nakapatong sa lamesa.

They are just doing this Ashiana for your own good. It will make you smarter and will use it in the future, believe them, Ashiana. This is for you.

It's already 12 midnight, and I still haven't finished making an essay that will satisfy my lawyer father. I haven't eaten anything, my eyes become heavy and I start feeling dizzy but I can't stop until I finish this. My father will get angry knowing that I sleep all the paperwork.

"Puta, talaga! Ashiana, manang mana ka sa kapatid kong walang pakialam sa mga papel! Tinulugan mo ang mga pinapagawa ko sayo?! At sa tingin mo aangat ka sa mga pinaggagawa mo?!"

Nakatanggap ako ng marahas na sampal mula sa aking ina, tama ba ang nakikita ko? Umuwi si mommy? Kailan pa? She didn't want me being lazy like her sister. She always sees me as her sister. I am guilty for her pain.

Muli kong tinitigan ang mata niyang napupuno ng galit. Pwede ba kahit sa pagkakataong ito, ang makita ko naman sa mata nya ay pagmamahal ng isang ina? I need them. Kailangan ko sila mommy at daddy. Pwede bang magpahinga muna sa pagpapanggap na perpekto akong anak at mag-aaral? I'm tired. Can't them let me sleep and rest?

Napangiwi ako ng muli akong itulak ng aking ina sa sahig dahilan ng pagkakaroon ko ng pasa sa tuhod, nalasahan ko ang kalawang sa gilid ng aking labi at nalamang dumudugo na pala iyon mula sa sampal ng aking ina.

"Magmadali ka na d'yan, may pasok ka pa." Malamig nitong sabi saakin.

Kahit sumasakit ang katawan ko ay pinilit ko paring tumayo para maligo. Bawat haplos ng malamig na tubig sa porcelain kong balat ay siyang pagdaan naman ng hapdi mula sa sugat na galing kay mommy.

Nasanay na ako sa aking ina, sa tuwing wala si dad saakin lagi naibubuntong ang kanyang galit. They haven't divorced yet because they choose to remain their name clear even if it is already stained because of their issues.

Kung si daddy kaya akong saktan vocally well my mom did her best to hurt me also by doing it physically. Sino ba ang kapatid nya? Why does she hate her so much? Why did both of them see me as her sister? Can't I have my own name?

I'm tired of this life. I'm tired of everything.

As long as they are beside me, I'm good.

As long as I have family. I'm good.

As long as I have shelter. I am good.

Because that's how life works. It does not need to be perfect. You just need to keep going.