Termination of Desire

Kabanata 15

I didn't know how I went home that night. All I knew is that I went home with so much disappointment, embarrassment and guilt dripping from me. Ngayon wala na akong mukhang maihaharap kay Gunther.

My biggest secret is out!

"Why the hell did you do that?!" I confronted my sister.

"Why not?" inosenteng tanong niya pabalik, kunot ang noo.

From here, I can still smell the alcohol coming from her. I guess kagagaling lang nila somewhere na may inuman. It's almost dawn, and although it's super late, I didn't sleep just to confront her. And I couldn't sleep as well after what happened.

"Francine, it's not your secret to share!" sigaw ko. "Di ba sabi ko naman sa 'yo, ako ang magsasabi no'n sa kanya?! Bakit mo 'ko pinangunahan?!"

I was panting heavily, and my tears were about to burst out.
 
She laughed ridiculously and raked her hair with her fingers.
 
"Because this is too annoying! This set up is making me damn crazy! Aren't you aware of that? Now that Clay's black, I feel like I don't have the freedom to be with him because of that damn guy!"
 
I looked at her with disbelief.

"Akala ko ba nag usap na tayo tungkol d'yan?!"

"Yes! And remember that I told you that if this affects my relationship with Clay, then I'm out!"

"But it doesn't affect it too much!"

"Oh!" She laughed. "Really, Frances? Nawawalan na kami ng quality time together dahil pasulpo-sulpot 'yang Gunther na 'yan sa harap namin! So for everyone's sake, I told him the truth!"

"Francine!" Nagmamakaawa ko siyang tinignan. "You should have talked it out with me first! Bakit bigla-bigla kang nagdedesisyon without my opinion?!"

"Is your opinion really important, Frances? You...have gone too long! And it's about time to expose your secret. Para makawala na rin kami ni Clay sa walang kwentang set up na 'to!"

"I know! Pero dapat ako ang magsasabi!" I pointed at myself frustratingly. "It's my secret, Francine! It's my problem! I should be the one solving it!"

She rolled her sleepy eyes. She's flushing red and looking messy.

"If you don't fix it now, kailan pa? You should be thanking me for exposing your real identity way too early! At least alam na niya. Tinulungan na kita dahil alam kong nahihirapan ka. Though the main reason is Clay and I! Don't you get it?"

Napapikit ako at umiling iling.

"Hindi mo 'ko naiintindihan," mahinang sabi ko. "This... would be the end for me."

I sobbed and covered my eyes with the back of my hand. I started crying silently.

She scoffed and crawled back to her bed.

"I don't really care, bitch!" aniya at nagtalukbong.

This is the end. Sigurado akong bukas pagpasok ko, hindi ko na siya makausap. At...wala na rin akong mukhang maihaharap pa sa kanya.

I fooled him. I played with him. And I'm sure, he's as mad as hell right now.

Kung kailan naging komportable na kami sa isa't isa at nagsisimula nang maging magkaibigan, doon naman malulusaw lahat. 'Yung pundasyon na nabuo namin bigla na lang bumagsak. Dahil lang sa kawalan ko ng kumpiyansa sa sarili.

Just because of my low self-esteem and insecurities, I did something so wrong. Something so stupid and desperate. Now, I regret everything.

Kung alam ko lang na magiging iba siya sa lahat ng lalaking nakilala ko, hindi ko na sana ginawa 'yon. Hindi na sana ako nagpanggap at nagsinungaling. Now, I'm about to lose the person next to Mimi. The person for whom I felt truly cared for.