Termination of Desire

Kabanata 30

A/N: This is the last chapter before the Epilogue. Thank you so much for reading! Please bear with me until the end. 🥀

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WHAT DO YOU WANT?

A very simple question, yet it is hard to find an answer. It took years before I realized what I really wanted in life.

It started in kindergarten, when my teacher asked me what I wanted to become when I grew up. Ngumuso lang ako at umiling sa tanong niya dahil hindi ko pa alam. When I was in first grade, I wanted to become a doctor. When I was in fifth grade, I wanted to become a lawyer. When I was in seventh grade, I wanted to become a singer. And when I was in tenth grade, I wanted to become a perfumer.

I had so many desires that I wanted to pursue. And because I was born so big and healthy, this concerned the superficial aspect of my life.

I did care about my personal appearance. How did I look. How I was so envious with my sister. I've always looked down on myself, pitying myself, and that made me lose my self-confidence and begin to build insecurities.

Ang gusto ko lang naman ay matrato nang tama, mapansin at tanggapin ng mga tao. At habang tumatagal ako sa ganoong sitwasyon, natanto kong...hindi ako umuusad.

Natatandaan ko pa no'ng nasa kolehiyo ako. Our professor said, people who have many desires are the poorest of people and they seldom achieve any success in any field. Their lives are also the saddest, because they are the most superficial, dominated by too many desires that matter too little. That's when I started figuring out myself.

I had the desire for attraction.

Gusto kong gumanda. Gusto kong pumayat. Gusto kong maging sikat sa school. Gusto kong magustuhan lahat ng mga lalaki. Gusto kong magkaboyfriend ng lalaking gusto ko. Gusto ko nasa akin lahat ng atensyon. Tinitingala, kinaiinggitan.

I had the desire to belong.

That I have the right to be loved too. To be held in anyone's arms. To feel that I'm important. That I've been cared for. Sa pamilya, sa mga kaibigan, sa taong gusto ko.

I had a desire for vengeance.

I've been wronged. I've been betrayed. I've been hurt. And all I wanted to do was have my revenge on the people who sent me to hell.

I had the desire for independence.

When I fell to the lowest point of the ground, I realized no one was there to help me get up. That was when I found comfort only within myself. Myself was my only companion. I stood up and sought independence.

Those were just a few of my desires. I lived my whole life trying to fulfill them. But I've realized I have to let go of some things. Little by little. I let go of desires that didn't really matter. And the only ones left were the ones I wanted to focus on.

When I discovered my passion, I learned that whatever field of life I commit myself to, I have a tremendous passion to succeed.

Ngumiti ako matapos kong titigan nang matagal ang Eiffel tower sa malayo. It feels so good to be back. It's only been a month since I left the Philippines for my international events. And also to visit my flagship store. It's only been a month, but I already miss the people I left behind.

Sumimsim ako sa wine na iniinom bago naramdaman ang mga bisig na yumakap mula sa likuran ko.

"Your thoughts have gone too far, love. They woke me up," Gunther's hoarse voice covered my ears.

I smiled and caressed his arm. Humilig ako sa dibdib niya.

"What are you thinking in the middle of the night, hmm?"