and it was perfect

Chapter 19

I got ready for bed and went inside her room. She was already lying in bed, texting somebody I assumed was Matt, given the huge smile on her face. I lay down next to her, and she turned off her phone. I switched off the light, and we turned towards each other. She didn't sleep with closed blinds, so I could still see the contours of her face. "You don't have to do this, Z, but I do appreciate it. Kind of feels like our sleepovers in my high bed." She laughed: "Oh my God, did we sleep at all back then? Your new Barbies were way too exciting." I laughed too. "They made you sleep in the guest room with your mom at some point." We started reminiscing about the times back then. We hadn't seen each other much but always had a great time.

"I wish I was there for you, Jen, back when ... whenever it happened, what broke you." she quietly whispered out of the sudden. I looked up immediately. She gave me such a warm and guilty look. "I- ... there was nothing you could've done." I mumbled and looked back down. "Still ... why didn't we try to keep in touch more. I love having you around so much now; we should have done that way earlier." I swallowed hard; I couldn't agree more. It had never been easy for me to accept any kind of compliment, especially regarding my character. Having an abusive boyfriend didn't quite help boosting your self esteem. Her enjoying my company warmed my heart. I grabbed her hand. "Definitely." I quietly agreed.

"Will you ... ever tell me what happened back then?" She slowly asked, lightly squeezing my hand. I kept quiet for a moment, then I nodded. It had helped me for sure to get a little of the pain off my chest when I gave Aiden the short version. Since I got here, I felt like I slowly built up some strength to finally open up more. I could tell it would help even more to talk about it with Zoe, someone who knew and understood me much better than he did. "I won't pressure you." she continued. "Just one thing. It has to do with Nate, doesn't it?" I nodded again, swallowing hard. "You don't get nightmares like that when someone just cheated on you, as bad as it sounds." She whispered, more to herself than me. I closed my eyes, and they filled up with tears before I could help it.

I wouldn't give her the full story tonight, but at least a hint of what I was going through back then. "Remember the accident I had last year when I fell down the stairs?" I knew Mum told my aunt back then; I even remembered her texting me asking how I was doing. She let out a sharp breath and got up a little, squeezing my hand even harder. "No ..." She whispered in a raspy voice. "There were no stairs, Zoe; I wasn't even at the goddamn car park. Nate threw a glass at me." She immediately sat up straight, gasping. "No ... he didn't. Please tell me this isn't going where I think it is." She asked me in a panicked voice, and her hands started to shake. I gave her a joyless smile. "I wish I could. Let's just end it by saying it was only the beginning." She started crying. "Oh my God, Jenna. This can't be true. Why didn't you-" she sobbed. She leaned back over and hugged me tightly; I could feel her tears rolling down my shoulder. I was crying as well now.

"I tried, Zoe. I couldn't. I just couldn't. I've never felt so weak in my entire life. We were the perfect couple; no one would have believed me anyways." I whispered, my voice sounding raspy now. "But he hurt you; how could he do this? I don't understand." She cried into my shirt. "He wasn't as perfect as he pretended to be. He lashed out frequently. I just loved him too much to let go of him for good. I always came back when he apologised. I ... just hoped it would get better with time. That maybe I could change him." I stared at the ceiling, memories flashing by in front of my eyes.

Him crying in my lap, begging me for another chance. His beautiful green eyes look so hurtful and loving at me. My heart still ached thinking about it. "You can't change monsters like that, Jen. You have to get out and run." I slowly nodded, and finally, she understood. She gasped for air again and sat up, turning on the light on her nightstand. She touched my hair. "You didn't just need a change after the breakup and give away all your stuff." - "At first, I just moved back to my parents, telling them he cheated on me, and we'd broken up. Mum was heartbroken; she loved him like her own son. I never told them what really happened; I couldn't." I added. "But it wasn't enough. I knew he wouldn't dare to come close to me again; I had started to collect evidence that he was abusing me. And lucky me, he's becoming a lawyer and wouldn't dare to risk me going to the police; it would cost him his career. Lucky me, he's selfish enough. But I still didn't want to stay, studying at the same campus. Or ever risk giving in again."

Zoe stroked my arm, tears still running down her face. "Your parents never understood why you came here." She quietly whispered. "They talked to Mum, being so mad that you just dropped out without telling them and applied here." I nodded. "They knew that I didn't want to see Nate anymore, but in their opinion, I totally overreacted. We didn't even study in the same faculty, and the campus was huge. But there was nothing they could do; I had already filled out all the paperwork; it was set." Zoe shook her head in disbelief. "And they never wondered if he did more than just cheating on you. That something else was up?" I scoffed. "Like I said, he was the perfect son-in-law." She just shook her head and put her arms around me again. Her scent was so familiar; it reminded me of easier times back when we only worried about ponies and, later, high school crushes. I rested my head on her shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Jen; I had no idea. I am so so sorry he did this to you." She whispered. "I wanna kill him." That made me smile dryly. "Trust me, I thought about it."

She stroked my back. "I wish I knew back then and could've helped you." she whispered. "I couldn't tell anyone, Zoe. But thank you. It was hard enough to leave him at all. He used to be all I ever wanted; he was my first love. I never thought I had to do this, let alone threaten him to expose what he had done." She let go of me to look me straight in the eyes. They were red and swollen now; I didn't think I looked much better myself. "You're officially the strongest person I know, Jen. I'm so incredibly proud of you. And I'm so glad you decided to come here."

Her words made me tear up again. It meant a lot to me to hear someone say this, especially someone who had known me for that long. I couldn't even say thank you, I just hugged her again. After this, we stayed still for a while, lying down, her still hugging me tightly. "He never ... raped you, did he?" She asked with a scared sound in her voice. I immediately shook my head. "It was a thin line, but no. He would lose himself and he was definitely rough in bed, but I know this is the only thing he would never have dared. And I'm so glad he didn't." She sighed, relieved. "Thank God."

"It would've wrecked me even more. At least I'm not scared of guys in general now. It took me a while to try it out, but getting touched by other guys doesn't bother me. I don't know if this is normal or just fucked up somehow." She shook her head heftily. "No, Jenna. That's a good thing. Like, I honestly have no idea about psychology, but I'm sure all women struggle with this after getting out of an abusive relationship, and I one thousand percent understand. So, in my opinion, you're just one of the ... luckier ones. God, this sounds so awful. I'm sorry." She shook her head. But I nodded. "Yeah, I guess that makes sense. It's all good; this whole situation is fucked up." She sighed again. "I'm so glad you told me, Jen. I've been wondering for months what happened. I don't know why I didn't put two and two together." She kept hugging me all night, and I could feel that a little more of my pain had been lifted. It was the right decision to tell her about it. We both were exhausted after this talk and fell asleep shortly afterward. I didn't have any nightmares that night.

As soon as Aiden saw my swollen face the following day, he knew what happened. "You told her." he realized while watching me tie my running shoes. I nodded and finished the knot. "It was time." He nodded in agreement, and we made our way out to the street and started running. We didn't talk for a few minutes, and neither wearing our headphones yet. "It's a good thing you did, Jen. She's your best friend." I agreed. He was right. I had never thought about it, but he was right. I had lost my best friends from back home as soon as I stepped out of Nate's and my apartment. Zoe was the closest to a best friend I had right now. She and Gene.

"You should be proud of yourself." He slowly added, looking straight towards the street. It made me smile, but I didn't dare to look at him either. He might as well could have told me he was proud of me too. I knew he was. My heart started beating faster, which had nothing to do with our inclined speed. "Thank you." I simply gave back, and we plugged in our headphones and ran silently for the rest of the way.

Zoe didn't look much better than I, as she ate her cereal when we returned. Her eyes were red, and she looked tired but gave me a loving smile when she saw me. I smiled back. Aiden squeezed her shoulder lightly while walking into the kitchen. This tiny gesture once more made me realize what a great guy he actually was. Sure, he wasn't interested in love and relationships, to my great despair. But he was way more thoughtful than I had ever expected, and he took great care of his friends. How could I ever think he was an asshole.