and it was perfect

Chapter 6

I had way more important things to focus on than Aiden. Most of all, my mental health. I had looked up the available therapists in Fairview a few days after moving here. There was literally one. I dreaded this day. I knew I had to start at some point, but I was so incredibly scared. Scared, that all the pain I had shuffled deep inside of me would break free again. And that I'd be the sobbing mess I used to be before leaving Seattle once again. I didn't want anyone to know how much I still suffered. Or that anyone would find out and especially ask that one specific question: why I didn't leave him earlier. I wished it was that easy.

My classes got cancelled that morning and I took it as a sign that this would be the day. I decided to drive instead of walking to campus as I usually did. That way I wouldn't have as much time to overthink it. Dr. Brody's office was in the main building, I had looked her up online before. She looked nice on the photo, and I was glad the only one available to talk about this was a woman. I reached the parking lot and took some deep breaths. „You got this." I quietly mumbled and stretched my fingers that were clenched to fists. My heartbeat sped up as soon as I had reached the building, but I pushed through. This wasn't a hard task, I literally just had to walk into her office and ask for an appointment. Easy. I took some deep breaths and walked up the stairs. With every step the knot in stomach increased. I felt sick. I stopped for a minute, trying to get my breath under control and continued. There it was, a blank white door, numbered as room 2.07. Dr. Susan Brody. My heart skipped a few beats. Fuck. I literally only had to open this door. But I was frozen.

I didn't want to talk to her. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I felt like my lungs had forgotten how to work. This wasn't the time for another goddamn panic attack. I tried to take some deep breaths. I wanted to forget this and never look back. Even just the thought of describing Nate to anyone made sick. I felt the tears building up behind my eyes. This was the right thing to do, I knew I would keep going down that spiral if I didn't seek for help. But fuck, I couldn't do it. I quietly sobbed and turned around. I didn't care that a few students gave me weird looks as I ran down the stairs, tears streaming down my face. I couldn't breath. As soon as I had reached my car I hid my face in hands. Fuck.

It took me minutes to finally catch my breath again. Thankfully my friends and roommates facilities were far enough away so they wouldn't see me right now. I plugged in my AirPods and started my favourite playlist to calm my nerves. Then I started my car. I didn't want to go home, I just wanted to be alone all day. I mindlessly started driving through town, after a few minutes I had no idea where I was. Another ten minutes later I had left Fairview.

I kept driving until I found a little parking spots heading towards a hiking trail. I'd never dare taking it by myself, I'd get lost within seconds, but I rolled down my windows and looked outside. I liked Oklahoma. The last traces of winter had slowly vanished and the trees were finally covered in green leaves again. This wasn't the most exciting State, for sure. But it was peaceful. I opened my glove box and took out my hidden diary. I took it with me wherever I traveled. Not that I had written much over the last couple of months, it was too damn painful. But if I wasn't strong enough to talk to someone, I'd at least force myself to write it down on paper. I stroke over the brown leather, took a few deep breaths and started writing.

When I headed home I was still in an awful mood. Finally writing in my diary again had helped, but it also brought way too many emotions to the surface. So when my bad mood and Aiden's and Zack's talk I overheard combined ... none of us held back. I was busy eating dinner when I heard their muffled voices. I shouldn't be listening, but I turned down the volume of my AirPods anyway. Zack quickly greeted me, Aiden remained silent, and they both fell down onto the sofa. It looked like they had just been to the gym.

"How comes Reed was even invited?" Zack continued their conversation. Aiden sighed annoyed. "I don't know. But it sucked." I couldn't help but look at him for a second. Our eyes crossed for a split second, me looking probably just as annoyed as him. I put my attention back to my meal and texted Alice about an upcoming project. My mind wandered off again and I didn't follow their conversation while they played a game until once again a girls name was brought up. "What about Hayley though?" Zack hesitantly asked. "What about her?" Zack kept quiet for a second. "Oh please don't fuck her, too. You know I hate that." Aiden once again sighed annoyed. His mood didn't seem much better than mine. And I was so incredibly sick of his fuckboy attitude. "Well.." Zack started but suddenly held in. Both of them stared at me. I hadn't realised I had actually snorted out loud, but given their looks they had heard me. Aiden raised a brow. "You have a problem?"